Friday, December 31, 2010

2010 in Review

I took this "year in review" list of questions from Loribeth at The Road Less Travelled.

1. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?I didn't really make any resolutions last year. I was all about our upcoming IVF. This year, I want to continue working out as frequently as I have been, and I hope that that will help me get a little skinnier. I'd love to be a size 10 again, whatever weight that would require me to be. Mostly just so I can fit into all the cute clothes I see.

2. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
I gave myself injections in preparation for IVF. I emotionally survived a failed IVF.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes. Several friends did.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not super close, but a friend of my parents died. My family used to go camping with her and her husband and two daughters every summer. She came to both of my bridal showers.

5. What countries did you visit?
Nowhere outside of the US.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
I used to answer this type of question with "a baby" but I'm slowly moving past that thought. I can't say I'd like more emotional strength either because I impressed myself with what I do have. So I guess now I'd like to have a higher metabolism. :)

7. What date(s) from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
February 23rd because we got a positive beta after IVF; February 25th when we found out the numbers were decreasing and that we would be living a childless life together. Our anniversary when D gave me the sweetest card that basically said all he ever needs in life is me. It was exactly the sentiment I needed to hear.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Surviving infertility with my marriage and sanity intact.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I was so focused on infertility and treatments and surviving the failure of IVF that I didn't give my best to my students in the first half of 2010. I still went to work and did my job, but I wasn't completely there with them.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Just a few colds here and there, and my achilles tendon is sore in the mornings when I first wake up. The colds are a side effect of working with teenagers and the tendon soreness is a side effect of getting older and less flexible.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Plane tickets to visit my sister and her husband in Phoenix, and then plane tickets for them to come to us for Halloween.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
My husband's. I never would have made it through this year without his support and encouragement to see the positives in a childfree life.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
I can think of several high school students who do stupid things that depress me (pooping in the school's pool would be one of them). But mostly friends who said or did unsupportive things to me and D while we were trying to make the best of things. "What about adoption" ranking as one of the highest and most commonly asked.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Clothes and books. Now that we are not scrounging to save money for IVF, I've taken an interest in clothes again, not like super fashionista or anything, just an interest in looking good. I think I dressed like crap throughout the 2009-2010 school year, and wearing looser clothes contributed to my weight gain. "I have room to fill up!" Now that I am not borderline depressed and eating to comfort myself, I have an interest in looking good in my clothes. And well, books, are my thing. So again, because we aren't trying to save up money for IVF, I have the freedom to buy books when I want to. Now I just need to read all the ones that I haven't yet.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Visiting my sister, her visiting me, and then she and her husband deciding to move here to live closer to me and my husband!

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
Superchunk's "Learn to Surf."

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?
a) happier b) thinner c) richer This question really puts things into perspective, huh? :)

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Traveling. We had some plans to visit Cedar Point, but we got a little spend-crazy, so we couldn't afford it.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Crying and comparing my life to others' and complaining about how unfair life is. It is what it is, the best thing I can do is enjoy what I DO have.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Driving to see my family, and then having Christmas dinner with them, opening presents, and playing with my nephew.

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?
Stayed in love with my husband and discovered new traits of his that I also love, so yes.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Probably How I Met Your Mother. I love Neil Patrick Harris.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you did not hate this time last year?
I like a lot less several people, but I don't really hate them. I don't want to spend any time with them, but I can't really say I hate them. There were several people that got cut out of my life after/during infertility. I think I just realized that they either weren't good for me, or have served their purpose in my life and it was time to move on.

24. What was the best book you read?
I can't pick just one, so I'll say The Hollows series by Kim Harrison. I've spent this year rereading them and they are even better the second time.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I didn't discover any new bands, but I did discover that one of my students has VERY similar taste in music to mine, so we've been sharing/suggesting bands to each other. And I found out that The Get Up Kids are back together and have a new album coming out early 2011, so that is pretty awesome!

26. What did you want and get?
I wanted to work on getting out of debt. I paid off my student loan and have been making progress on my other debt. So I think I will definitely meet my 2 year goal (I have about 15 months left).

27. What did you want and not get?
A baby and a family of more than two with my husband.

28. What was your favourite film of this year?
Has to be the A-Team. I loved it, and Bradley Cooper isn't bad to look at.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 35. We ate for the first time at a cuban restaurant near us with a group of friends and then went cosmic bowling. I wanted a white russian at the bowling alley a la The Dude from The Big Lebowski, but the bar didn't have milk. So one of my friends went to a grocery store and bought me a little carton of milk so that I could have my white russians. And the bowling alley had these machines that dispensed stick-on facial hair, so we all had fun attaching mustaches, goatees, and sideburns.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Again, a baby. But I am in a much better place now than I was six months ago, so I'm actually pretty satisfied with how things have gone, emotionally speaking anyway.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Pulled together, polished, classic. That's what I'm going for, even if I don't achieve it everyday.

32. What kept you sane?
My husband and discovering the community of childfree after infertility women. Knowing there are others out there helped, but actually reading their stories and how they coped/are coping really helped me get where I am now.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Bradley Cooper for the dreamboat aspect, Jason Segel for the hot cute guy thing, and I always love Cameron Diaz. I'm not sure why; she just seems really laidback and seems like she'd be fun to hang out with.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Gay marriage and illegal immigration.

35. Who did you miss?
My parents and my sister and my nephew.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
My friend Tracy who is super fun and is a published author.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.
a)Contrary to what I've always been taught, "try try again" doesn't always work or make you happy. Sometimes the best thing you can do is to stop trying and move on to something else completely.

b)Also the whole "if you set your mind to it, you will achieve it" is another BS sentiment. Sometimes no matter how much you want something and how much "visualization" you do, it just won't happen, and you have to be okay with that.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
From Superchunk's "Learn to Surf": "I stop sinking and learn to surf."

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

future plans

My husband is a police officer, and he has gone to the police memorial week celebration in Washington DC twice. It's always on the same dates, which are horrible for me since they land in the week before last of the school year. In 2011, however, they land on a weekend. So I am going to take off the Friday, and we are going to fly to DC Thursday afternoon/early evening. D's flight and hotel will be covered since he is on his department's honor guard; the union is going to pay to send all the honor guard members. Which means we only have to pay for my flight and portion of the hotel! I am totally psyched for this trip. I've never been there before, so D and I have been talking about where we want to go and what we want to see.

My dad went there not too long ago, and he was telling me that he was very disappointed in the Arlington National Cemetery. He is a Viet Nam vet, and within the last few years has gotten in touch with his troop, and now they have get-togethers very frequently. One of these was to see the Viet Nam Wall memorial, and naturally, they went to see Arlington. He said it wasn't very well-kept, and it made him sad at the state it was in. I know I will go see it too, and I'm hoping it was just an off-time for it, and that it actually is as impressive as it always looks in photos.

Anyway, DC is our next big-ish trip, and again, I can see the advantage to not having children so that we can go. Otherwise, we'd have to figure out who was going to watch the kid(s), or we'd have to take them with us, and then figure out who got to go out and party at night while the other stayed at the hotel with the kid(s).

I'm really looking forward to being a part of the police officer family. When D was telling me about his most recent trip, I was amazed at the level of family and comraderie (everyone is referred to as a brother or sister) that they all have because of their shared profession. There aren't many occupations that have that, at that level. And now that I am a police officer's spouse, I am in the family too. So I can't wait to be there, and see how it feels to be a part of something like that.

end of semester

It's been a crazy busy, stressful few weeks finishing up the semester. Today was our last day until January 6th, so I get a nice two weeks off. To celebrate, I am treating myself to a hot stone massage tomorrow afternoon. Then D and I will have Christmas Eve lunch with his parents at a Chinese food buffet. Weird, I know. Since we will be driving to my parents' house Saturday morning (to avoid the nephew opening gifts Christmas morning), I thought we'd do Christmas Eve with D's parents. But, again, since we will be leaving the next morning, we didn't want to cook a big dinner and have a bunch of leftovers to sit in the fridge while we were out of town, so we thought we'd go out to dinner with them. D's mom didn't want to go to dinner somewhere, so instead wanted us to meet them for lunch at the China Buffet, that she and D's dad eat at once a week. Totally special. Have I mentioned how bat-shit crazy I think she is?

I'm looking forward to the visit with my parents; it's going to be several days instead of our usual quick three day weekend visits, so that will be nice.

Since today was a half day for the students, I basically just showed them their final exam scores, and their final semester grades, and then we watched Dr. Horrible. It was awesome.

Friday, November 26, 2010


So a few weeks ago, I noticed that I had 99 posts. I kept thinking that I needed to do something special for #100. Of course, by thinking this, I kept procrastinating the "special" post. So I'm just going to post everything that I've thought of in the past few weeks, so this might get a little long.

1) Our Halloween party was a success. Some pictures of our costume (The Dude and Maude Lebowski from the Gutterballs scene) and some of the food:

Apple mouths:
Gelatin eyeballs in blood sauce:
"Finger" cookies (my sister added the 'dirt" and "blood" details):

Our costume (the dress took FORVER to make, but it turned out pretty well):

2) While my sister and her husband were visiting, they told us that they had decided to move here to live closer to us (and our parents who live about 6 hours away)! They will be moving here in March.
3) November 15th would have been our approximate due date if IVF had worked. D said that we needed to do something special just the two of us. I loved that he was the one that suggested it. He even was the one to bring it up in the first place. He told me he had been thinking about it, and it made him sad. The day didn't turn out according to plan (something I've decided must be the theme of my life). D was working on his beloved Jeep the day before, on the leaky gas tank, with a friend of ours. They didn't get finished, so needed to finish on the 15th. While they were working, another friend came over to help. Then his wife called and decided that she and their 7 month old needed to visit. Then D's parents kept sending picture after picture of D's sister's new baby. So instead of us getting to spend time alone mourning what could have been, we were instead inundated with other people's babies. After they left, we cuddled on the couch with the fireplace on, drank hot cider, and watched How I Met Your Mother. So all in all, not a horrible night, just, again, not exactly what we had planned.
4) A student asked me if I had any kids, I said no. Then she asked if I was going to, I said no. Then she asked why not, so I told her we couldn't. That finally shut her up. Then a week later another student asked me WHEN I was going to have kids. This time I just said "that's a really personal question, don't you think?" That at least made her feel awkward too. After class, she told me she asked because she couldn't remember if it was me or another woman she had talked to that had said she didn't want kids ever. I told her if she had led in with that, that would have been a lot better.
5) I went to see the new Harry Potter, and liked it, but still think the book is WAY better. I've seen all the movies with the philosophy of "I'll see it once, but I don't need to own them to watch over and over." This one is a lot darker, and more people die, so it made me cry. And then I saw a little boy running back with some popcorn, and I cried some more knowing that I will never have a child to share Harry Potter with. That made me think about all the other things that I won't get to pass on.
6) My brother sent me a picture of his son cuddling with my dad for an after Thanksgiving nap. It was cute, but made me sad that I won't ever see my dad cuddling with my kid.
7) D and I are going to visit my parents near Christmas. At first I was thinking we could be there ON Christmas, but now I'm thinking maybe we should do Christmas just the two of us (maybe dinner with his parents), and then go to my parents the day after. I just don't know if I'm ready to be happy watching my nephew open gifts from Santa, knowing that I will never watch my child doing that.
8) The last three things make it sound like I am not doing well at all with this whole childless not by choice life. Most days I am totally fine, and can even see some perks to it, I just know that certain images really press my buttons. And I think, for this first year, it's okay to avoid them when I know that they will only make me sad. Now the hard part is explaining to my parents why we won't be there on Christmas when we could.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

good music

Superchunk has a new album out! I just saw the video for "Digging for Something" and it's awesome (both the song and the video). I can't wait to hear the rest!

Monday, October 4, 2010

mother in law

My mother in law is a whack job. I won't ever be able to express to you how insane and intrusive she actually is, but here's the latest.

She knows all about our infertility troubles and knows that we are not going to have children. She talks non-stop, and was rambling about the latest movies she has seen. She said she saw "Up" and loved it and thought it was adorable. I piped up with "I thought it was depressing." She goes "why??" In my head "really? you have no idea why I might think that movie is depressing?" In reality, I said "well, the couple couldn't have kids, so they planned to take this awesome trip together instead, and never got to." Her response was "well, at least he got to go, even if it was later in life." I said "but they didn't get to go TOGETHER and that was their whole plan, and it was sad that they didn't get to do that." Her response was "yeah, I guess some of the kids in the audience were sad." What?? I don't know of any CHILD that got how sad that movie was. You'd think an adult who actually knows someone with a similar life (can't have children, plans to take an awesome trip instead...) might see how the movie might be depressing as hell. But she didn't.

So I just shook my head, and bitched about her later to my husband. I love that he is okay with that (well, especially since he thinks she is insensitive and crazy too).

Saturday, September 18, 2010


My husband and I LOOOOOOOOOOVE Halloween. Today, we bought the fabric to make my costume (top secret* until our Halloween party on the 30th), and a few props, and a few decorations, and a couple Halloween themed serving dishes.

On the menu for the party:

alien autopsy shots
hot apple cider (alcohol can be added by guest)
bright green punch (alcohol can be added by the guest)

witch finger cookies
spiderweb peanut butter rice krispy treats
marshmallow eyeballs in blood (cherry) sauce
"candy corn" trifles (angle food cake, orange colored vanilla pudding, lemon jello)

apples shaped like mouths with almonds for teeth, carmel sauce for dipping
bean dip served in a skull dish
mummy hot dogs (wrapped in crecent roll strips)
pizza topped with jack o lantern pepperonis
some other hearty dip served in a crockpot

*I will post pictures once it has been revealed. I know I still owe pictures for my redone roller derby tank top. I kind of suck at the whole loading pictures on my computer in order to upload them to a post.

Monday, September 6, 2010


So I have a conference I might go to in Denver on a Thursday and Friday. D said if he can get off work that weekend, he'd meet me there, and we can spend the weekend in Denver. So then we spent an hour looking up stuff to do.

Then I got the idea that a road trip in the fall to look at leaves changing would be fun, so I started looking up within a day drive spots. I found some cool things in northern Kansas, and then D found some cool stuff in southern Nebraska, so we have a whole round trip planned out. Some of the cool things we found are a pony express station, the biggest porch swing in the world, the center of the contiguous United States, the biggest ball of twine (and staying the night at the Ball of Twine Inn), although Weird Al misled me: I've always thought the biggest ball of twine was in Minnesota, when really he was singing about the biggest ball of twine that was IN Minnesota, not that the biggest ball of twine EVER was in Minnesota.

Now we just need to decide when.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

prep time

My parents are coming to visit us over labor day weekend, and they are bringing my nephew. I finished cleaning last night, and today I will be baking bread. I have a couple meals planned for them while they are here, so I want to do some of the prep beforehand. Friday, we will go to this awesome barbecue place that I think my parents will love. Saturday, lunch will be grilled pork chops and sugar snap peas, then the zoo, and dinner will be spaghetti with our homemade sauce, homemade bread, and a salad with most of the ingredients from our garden.

I'm looking forward to it. Our visits are almost always at my parents' house, so it will be nice to have them see (instead of just hearing about it) all the work/decorating we've done to our house since we got married. We painted pretty much every room the summer after we got married, and now our basement looks really good, and I have my cozy girl room. I guess I kind of want to show off what we've done.

And it will be fun to see my nephew and take him to our zoo. My parents took him to Phoenix to see my sister and her husband over the summer, and they took him to that zoo. He's three and a half, and that was his first visit to the zoo. Which makes me kind of mad at my brother and sister-in-law. The zoo where they live is free, and they've never taken him. Of course, they never done a lot of things they should have done as parents. He barely talks because they rarely interact with him beyond watching TV, and they're not kid shows that would help his language development. They finally got him tested and he now attends a school for kids with learning disabilities, so he's improving. My sister and I often wonder if he would have this learning disability if they had worked with him at an earlier know, like reading to him. Anyway, they now live with my parents (financial issues), and my mom is stepping in to raise my nephew because now that she sees exactly what my brother and sister-in-law do with him, she knows they aren't doing enough. It's sad that she has to basically raise him for them, but it's good for my nephew.

Monday, August 23, 2010

working out

I've been working out more lately, and have noticed my arms and legs are starting to get more tone to them. Unfortunately, I am an apple shape, so I store almost all my fat in my core. And when I get bloated, which now happens around ovulation AND right before my period (awesome, I know), because I already have a nice storage of fat there, it is VERY noticeable. I'm trying to lose some of the belly fat, but I know, due to my body type, that it won't ever completely go away. I'd settle for it just being a little flatter, so that bloating doesn't make all the women in my department make not-so-subtle glances at my stomach. I kind of want to shout at them that I am not pregnant, and never will be, I'm just bloated, so stop staring at my stomach.

Okay, with that being said, I am off to work out.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

coming to terms

I've been thinking a lot lately about how quickly it seems that my husband and I have come to terms with living childfree after infertility. We talked a little about it, and it makes more sense to me. I keep reading about people who took years to come to terms with their childfree life, so I was trying to figure out how we came to this point, where we are mostly happy with our lot in life, in a matter of months. We came up with a few reasons why we made the adjustment so quickly.

1. I was married once before, for seven years. My first husband and I had talked about having kids, and we had decided that we would wait five years to start trying since we were so young when we got married. All of our major purchases (house, car. etc) were chosen based on us having kids in the future. When we moved in to our house, we chose the bedroom for the office based on which room would eventually be a kid's room. You get the idea. When the five years were up, he said he wasn't ready yet, so we put it off for another year. When that year was up, he said he wasn't sure if he wanted kids at all anymore. I was devastated, but told him to make up his mind, because then I would have to decide what I wanted to do about his decision. he went back and forth with his decision for months, until finally, ultimately, deciding that he didn't think he'd ever want kids, and if he did, it wouldn't be for like 10 years. Well, since I was 29 at the time, I knew I wouldn't be okay with waiting. We talked about some compromises and what might happen with each: we have a kid anyway because I want one, and he grows to hate/resent both of us, and we still end up divorced; or we don't have a kid because he doesn't want one, and I grow increasingly jealous and bitter, and we end up divorced; or we have a kid and I am the sole caretaker, which we decided wasn't a good life for the child; or we have a kid, and he magically loves it and is happy with the decision; or we divorce somewhat amicably and I can at least try to find someone who wants to have kids with me. We met with a therapist and told her all of these things, and she said we were making very logical decisions in a very emotional time. So we divorced and have stayed in touch with each other ever since. But since I was almost 30 when we divorced, and I knew it would take some time to get over the devastation of having my life not turn out how I thought it would (one marriage, grow old together, have a family, etc), and then time to find someone to fall in love with and marry, I knew my chances of actually finding someone to have babies with while I was at an age that I wanted to do so, were slim.

2. My husband had not had a long-term relationship for a long time (we're talking years and years) before he met me. He told me he had basically given up on the idea of finding someone to marry, which in turn, had him giving up on the idea of having a family. When he met me, and our relationship progressed, he reverted a bit to thinking he could actually have it all: marriage and a family.

3. We talked about how far we wanted to go with treatments once we got the diagnosis of severe male factor infertility. We wanted to try everything that was available to us once, so that we wouldn't one day think "well, what if we had tried IVF?" We wanted to know that we had tried everything. We also talked about our Plan C before going in to IVF, mostly as an emotional safety net, so we had something positive to look forward to in case it didn't work. I started planning our trip to Phoenix two weeks after we found out the numbers weren't doubling.

So with all of that in our backgrounds, I think we were each halfway (or more) to accepting that our lives might not include children when we met each other. So once the having children part of our lives didn't work out, we didn't have much further to travel in order to come to full acceptance. I also think because we didn't really spend that much time going through treatments, that we didn't have as much to get over. I always think it's like Charlotte's (from Sex and the City) philosophy on getting over a failed relationship: it takes half the length of the relationship to be ready to move on. If it lasts four months, you will be ready to move on in two. We were in treatments for about a year, so it should take six months to be ready to move on. And this month is six months from our failed IVF.

I still have bad days where I get sad or jealous or bitter, but those are so far and few between now. I know I wanted kids; I wanted them my whole life. But our Plan C looks pretty good too.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

baby announcements

At work, at each meeting we have (about every three months), our principal asks for "celebrations." They are almost always pregnancy announcements, with the occasional engagement, house purchase, masters completion, etc, but by far, the majority are pregnancy-related. So at the one for the beginning of this year, the principal asked for any celebrations, and no one spoke up, so then he starts asking all the people who had babies last year how they are doing, and then went on and on about what a babyfest it was at the end of the school year. Luckily, my PMS was over, and I had already had a good cry about other people getting to have babies, so it only annoyed me instead of making me sad. It mostly annoys me that I have to hear about the announcement of the pregnancy, and then I get the mass email birth announcement, do I really need ANOTHER celebration for the same thing?

And I've also noticed that people without kids have a little more to talk about. They ask others how their summer was, and if they traveled anywhere, and then share stories about what they did over the summer. People with kids talking to another with kids only seem capable of asking "how's the little one(s)?" I'm sure I wouldn't notice this if I hadn't gone through infertility, but it's so obvious now. I was having a perfectly good, flowing conversation with a coworker whose wife just had a baby in May (our conversation was completely unrelated to babies). Then another coworker pipes in with "how's the baby?" He answered the question, and the conversation just kind of died because there wasn't any kind of follow-up or resulting flow of conversation. And then he and I picked our conversation back up. It was nice to talk to someone who didn't constantly steer the conversation back to his kid.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010


I got an award! Thanks, Sweet Pea! My positive NOW thought is that I am looking forward to starting my 12th school year as a high school math teacher. That and the Social Distortion concert tonight. Should be a good time even if it will make getting up early tomorrow a little difficult! For the future: I'm hoping that my husband and I continue to enjoy each other's company and continue to discover fun things to do together.

And now to pass on the award: Here's what you need to do ! Put that picture up; that one up there on your blog and blog about one thing you're happy about right now and one thing that you're hoping for in the future. You are acknowledging something that's making you smile right now and also putting out there that you have hope for thing one amazing thing to happen in the future, for you to bring you even more happiness! oh and then you have to pass this award onto anyone who you believe would benefit from looking at their surroundings, their life now and finding happiness in it!

The following women amaze me all the time with their strength and support, so I'd like to share this award with them: Jem, Danielle, msfitzita, Lu, and wifey. There are others, but they were already given the award on someone else's blog.

And I'd also like to give a shout out to Life Without Baby and Silent Sorority because without them, I wouldn't have found a lot of my support group members on the internet, along with the support found on their sites.

Monday, August 9, 2010

two is my limit

Well, I just heard a third pregnancy announcement in as many weeks, and that triggered the tears. I didn't cry at all with the first two. I blame, at least a little, PMS, and the fact that my husband slipped the other night and said "our kid is going to have" and then quickly changed to "our kid would have had...." Just thinking about it makes me sad because it tells me he's not quite as moved on as he likes to say he is. I think he's probably in about the same place as me: accepting of our new life, but certain reminders (of what we would have done with our kids, that other people get to do those things and not us) feel like a kick to the stomach.

Apparently, I can handle two kicks to the stomach. Three set me over the edge.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Fun day/night

We went to the peach festival at a nearby orchard, had samples of local BBQ, and had samples of some orchard wines. The sweet red was pretty good, but the strawberry wine, peach wine, and apple wine were not as good as they sounded. The strawberry tasted EXACTLY like cough syrup, gross aftertaste and all. Then we shopped and bought peach cobbler in a jar for D, black walnut syrup for me, cucumber dill salad dressing also for me, cherry cider for D, and fresh peaches for both of us. We got home and ate one peach each. VERY good.

Then we went to dinner at a local restaurant that we've been to before; nothing spectacular, but still good.

And then we went to a women's flat track roller derby bout. It was our first time seeing one, and it was awesome. D caught a tank top that was thrown out in the crowd and promptly gave it to me. It is an extra large, so I am going to take it in a bit, and add a punk-rock looking skirt to the bottom to create an awesome dress. Assuming I can manage to do so in a way that doesn't look like crap. If it turns out well, I will post pics. The next bout is on the 21st, so I'm hoping I can find time to do some sewing before then.

We sat in the front row; the place was loaded with signs that said no one under 18 is allowed in the front row. So I said to my friend, "there's a good reason to not have kids; I can sit in the front row at roller derby." She then goes "would you have even brought your kids if you had them?" I looked at her and said "um, yeah." I really have no idea why you wouldn't. D and I talked about that on the way home, and he agreed with me that we totally would have taken our kid to a roller derby bout. Of course, we kind of like all that punk rock, rockabilly culture that goes along with roller derby, and I don't think she's as into that scene as we are.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

well, I THOUGHT I was making progress

A few weeks ago, a friend told me she was pregnant, and my first reaction was happiness for her.

Today, I found out that another friend is pregnant with her second (her first just turned a year old), and it was an "oops" baby. My first reaction was to roll my eyes.

Is it the fact that it's an "oops" baby? I don't know, but I'm definitely not to the point of being happy for her yet.

Monday, August 2, 2010

top ten finished!

1. Sleeping in.

2. Having the freedom to switch my sleep schedule to my husband's on my weekends and summers off (he works night shift).

3. Getting to have spontaneous date nights with no worry about getting a sitter.

4. Having the freedom to watch whatever I want, whenever I want, and not worry about appropriateness.

5. I can have all the road rage I want, and swear all I want, and not worry about setting a bad example.

6. I can continue to spoil my kitties with attention and cuddling for hours at a time.

7. I can talk on the phone to my sister for hours with no interruptions.

8. We can take a trip anywhere we want to.

9. We can save a bigger chunk of money each month toward our dream cabin in the woods, so it will actually happen before we retire.

10. It's a lot easier to experiment with recipes when I only have to worry about two people's preferences.

Friday, July 30, 2010

It has stayed in my head

Okay, so I had a meeting today for work, and I was talking to a friend/co-worker there, and giving her the update on my emotional status. A part of our conversation was how I felt unsupported from some of my colleagues last school year, and how some of the things they said or joked about were pretty insensitive to the infertile in the room. Then my friend says "well, YOU are fertile; you just had to deal with slow swimmers." While this is technically true (even though I'm sure my age or something was the cause of us only getting three eggs and a chemical pregnancy from the IVF), I don't really think of myself as fertile and my husband as infertile. I think of it as WE are infertile. It just seems like I am putting blame on him if I say it the other way, and all along our TTC path, it was a team effort. His sperm having low motility was a blow to both of us. I never thought "shit, my husband is infertile." I thought "damn, we have some infertility to overcome."

I don't know. That comment about me being fertile and my husband not being fertile kept going round in my head, so I had to get it out. I would hope that if the tables were turned, my husband would think of it the same way that I do.


"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as the hell don't deserve me at my best." Marilyn Monroe

So this pretty much sums up my attitude towards people who were insensitive or uncaring during our infertility struggles. Is it wrong to pretty much cut them out of my life (to the extent that that is possible)? Some of them are co-workers, and I feel like their treatment of me was the deciding factor in whether we are friends or colleagues. I used to listen to their talk about their spouses and their kids (or plans for kids), and now I kind of don't care to hear any of it. I don't really want to talk to them about anything other than work stuff. And the so-called friends that turned the other way, I feel like they don't deserve my friendship ever again. Why should I be friends with someone who can't support me (or just be nice to me) when I am down? I had one that actually said she couldn't be my friend while she was pregnant because it made her feel guilty. Niiiiiiiiiice.

Thursday, July 29, 2010


I thought of something that I will miss with us not having kids....decorating a nursery, and redecorating the kid's room periodically (I walked by the kids' room aisle at Target today). I love picking out colors and matching bedspreads and curtains and things. So I know that I will probably redecorate rooms in our house every once in a while to satisfy that urge. Well, the ones that are easily paintable anyway, bathrooms and our bedroom mainly. The living room has super high ceilings, so that one is going to stay the same for quite some time. We've just fixed up the basement gaming area and I'm in the process of redecorating my girl room. So I'm good for a couple years at least. :)

Thursday, July 22, 2010


I'm getting really tired of people asking if we've thought about adoption. I want to shout at them "What??? adoption??? I've never heard of it. You mean, they just give out babies?!?!"

Of COURSE, we've talked about adoption (what infertile hasn't), but it's not for us. And I'm perfectly okay telling people this, although I do feel a little bad telling people who are adopted that I feel that way; I feel like I'm saying "we wouldn't want a kid like YOU."

And I have one friend who is technically adopted, but he is adopted by his stepdad. So all his dad had to do was marry my friend's mom. No home visits, no intrusive questionings. A little paperwork, and he was done. My friend likes to tell me how awesome his life turned out because of his dad. Anytime I mention that D and I are not going to be having kids now, this friend says something like "unless you adopt..." I kind of want to tell him to fuck off because his adoption is not even close to what ours would look like if we were to choose that.

But since we are not choosing that, I just smile and nod. For now. ;)

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

top ten

On the site, there is a forum post about the ten best things about not having children. I've been trying to come up with my list, but I haven't quite gotten to ten. I've been working on the transition to thinking positively about our situation.

I recently started reading a book called Some Girls Bite by Chloe Neill. It's about a girl who is changed into a vampire to save her life. Well, she's upset because she didn't choose it. There's a passage that I SOOOOO related to: "I knew I needed to buck up, to let go of what I'd lost and find a way to survive, to thrive, in my new world. But how do you let go of a lifetime of plans? Of assumptions about your life, about who you were and who you were going to be?" (p. 73-74)

And then later: "I could make that choice. Here and now, I could take ownership, take back my life again." (p.119)

Anyway, that's what I've been trying to do. I do have a choice in how I live my life. I can live it in sadness and grief, constantly lamenting what I don't have, or what I didn't get to do. Or I can live it in happiness, treasuring what I do have, and what I do get to do.

So I WILL write a top ten list. This is what I have so far:
1. Sleeping in.
2. Having the freedom to switch my sleep schedule to my husband's on my weekends and summers off (he works night shift).
3. Getting to have spontaneous date nights with no worry about getting a sitter.
4. Having the freedom to watch whatever I want and not worry about appropriateness.
5. I can have all the road rage I want, and swear all I want, and not worry about setting a bad example.
6. I can continue to spoil my kitties with attention and cuddling for hours at a time.
7. I can talk on the phone to my sister for hours with no interruptions.
8. We can take a trip anywhere we want to.

Monday, July 19, 2010

date night

My husband has mentioned more than once (rare) that he wants to see a certain movie (Knight and Day, he loves action). So we are going to go see it tonight, eat some dinner, and try a new bar that recently opened up. It's called Indulgence Lounge. Should be fun!

Oh, and just to keep in theme of this whole blog: we don't have to worry about a babysitter!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


1. Our garden is coming along nicely. I'm waiting (not so patiently) for the tomatoes to redden so I can eat them. Garden fresh tomatoes are AMAZING. There are a couple cucumbers just about ready for picking too. If the tomatoes can time themselves with the cucumbers, I am infor an amazing salad. The bully green beans knocked down my peas, so they are mostly dead now. Boo. I was looking forward to shelling peas. Maybe next year. Of course, next year they won't be next to the bullies.

2. My mother in law is still not my favorite person. They came over to drop off some stuff for my husband, and while he and I were trying to talk to our nephew, she kept babbling, and calling my name to make me pay attention to HER. Then she went on to tell me about some home buying grant for teachers and cops that she had heard of, so if we wanted to buy a different house, with a floor plan that we liked better, since she remembered me saying I didn't like the floor plan of the house my husband bought before he met me, blah blah blah. So I said that the floor plan was only a problem if we had more than one kid (which we had said at the time; there's only one other bedroom on the main floor with us, the other is in the basement), and now that we won't be having kids, the floor plan is fine. So then she keeps going with it, because she has to be right or make me uncomfortable, and says "well, I didn't know if using what was supposed to be the nursery as your sewing room would make you sad, so buying a house with a different floor plan would be a fresh start." Um, thanks for picking the scab off. So I told her that USING the room that was supposed to be a nursery was a lot less sad than leaving it sitting there empty. And then apparently, her brain went "speaking of babies..." and she went on to tell me how D's sister is so tired of being pregnant because her ankles are swollen. Wah.

3. I LOVE my girl room, and I LOVE our house. All our redecorating and organizing has really paid off, and it is so cozy. I kind of don't want to leave it. That doesn't mean I don't want to socialize with people; I just want to do it at our house and not at theirs. :)

4. Now that we are no longer trying to get pregnant, I am looking forward to a school year in which I do not have to set doctor appointments, or try to have private, fertility-related phone conversations where my students/coworkers cannot hear me.

5. Of course, there are at least two immediate coworkers who are starting TTC this summer, so I am NOT looking forward to hearing about how quickly they got pregnant and the follow-up of comparing pregnancy symptoms when they are pregnant together.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

new friends

We had a cookout today, and I met some cool people. One is the fiancee of one of my husband's friends, and the other is a new-ish girlfriend of one of our friends. The fiancee loves Sex and the City and Friends, and has a great personality. The new-ish girlfriend seems really cool, and is a three-time published author of fiction books that sound really good. I'm probably going to go to her book signing on Wednesday and pick up her three books. (They are a paperback series about vampires.)

So all in all, a pretty good day!

Tuesday, June 29, 2010


I was feeling a need for a crying session, so I watched Up. Yikes. Instead of a simple release, I got a major sobbing session. I pretty much cried off and on throughout the whole movie. I guess I needed it because I feel better now.

Thursday, June 24, 2010


In December, when we were optimistic that IVF would work, we painted the spare bedroom a nice gender-neutral shade of green. When science failed us, and that meant moving on to life without children, we had to decide what to do with that room. I didn't want it to just be a spare bedroom for guests because the idea of it sitting unused and having to walk by it was going to be too sad to bear. D has his "man cave" in the basement where he has a workbench to do all his gun work, so we decided that the spare room would be my "woman cave." It now has my oversized chair and ottoman, my bookshelves and books, and my sewing machine. I love it! It is incredibly cozy, and our two cats love it too. They might be in it more than I am!

We have also purchased a foosball table; I've wanted one since I was probably 12 years old when my uncle had one that we played on all the time. (Funny, I used to say I knew I wanted to have kids since I was 12, but owning a foosball table is something I can actually control.) Along with the foosball table, we are sort or reorganizing/redecorating the basement. It already had a pool table and a bar, and I bought D an electronic dart board for his birthday last year, and now we have the foosball table. Since it is quickly becoming the ultimate gaming room, we decided that buying some bookshelves to house all our board games would be a good idea, so that they are visible and not shoved in a closet somewhere. So once we have the shelves put together, we will be set.

It feels really good to be doing something together for our home, as a couple. The only thing that we've done together for us in the past two years is our vegetable garden (which did rather well considering that neither of us has ever been able to keep a houseplant alive!). All other energy was directed at making a baby. Now that that is over for us, we have all this spare energy to redirect. I'm just thankful that we are redirecting it at a project for both of us, and not sort of going our separate ways. I guess it feel like a reconnecting sort of thing.

Thursday, June 17, 2010


In my friend group, there are a lot of recent babies. At the last cookout (all friends from my husband's group, you know, HIS friends from before we were married, my friends now too), there were three new moms (babies 7 months, 3 months, 1 month). I avoided them because the moms sort of isolated themselves in their mom club. The three moms sat on a blanket in the front yard with the babies, while everyone else was in the back yard playing the washer game and launching water balloons. Since I don't have the prerequisite to be in their club, I barely talked to any of them.

Last night, we hosted an impromptu poker night. The guys played poker in the basement, and the girls talked upstairs. Only one mom in the bunch, and she brought the baby. I held him and played with him, and it felt like old times when I ALWAYS wanted to hold and play with babies. I didn't even get sad when I had to give him back because while I can enjoy their cuteness, I can also focus on the hassle of all the crap that goes with bringing a baby anywhere. I counted two bags of stuff plus the carseat/baby carrier.

So I've learned that I CAN enjoy babies and even talking to the mom about mom stuff when it doesn't feel like they have formed a club that I can never join. So I guess one at a time is best. When they gang up on me, I can't handle it. Maybe someday.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


World's Oldest New Mom Dying After IVF Pregnancy at Age 72 - Pregnancy -

I particularly like the comment from the IVF doctor saying that at least the woman doesn't have to die with the stigma of being barren. Nice.

Monday, June 14, 2010


On our honeymoon, D and I went to Jamaica, and we tried rum cream. We both LOVED it, and bought a bottle to bring home with us. It didn't last long, and we have been unable to find it anywhere. There is a specialty shop that supposedly does custom orders, so I'm going to go there sometime soon because I really want a Jamaican Smile (this drink combines a bit of a strawberry daiquiri with a bit of pina colada, all topped with a bit of rum cream; after trying a few drinks, I stuck with this one for most of the honeymoon) this summer.

Over the weekend, we went to a wine store, and attached to it is a wine lounge of sorts. You basically have a wine card that you insert in the machine, choose your wine and the amount, and your card is charged. It's a pretty great way to try several wines without having to buy an entire bottle.

At the store, I found this wine called ChocoVine that I had read about online. It's a mix of a cabernet and dark chocolate. I tried some of it tonight, and it is AWESOME! It is kind of like a boozy chocolate milk because it is chocolatey, and creamy, with just a hint of alcohol flavor, and it's pretty strong for how little it tastes like alcohol. It's so good, I want to put a straw in the bottle and drink the whole thing. It's like Yoo-Hoo for grown-ups!

And tomorrow, I am going to attempt to make sangria for the first time. I want to make it for our 4th of July cookout, but I need to have a trial run first. I did this the first time I made mojitos too. A trial run (or two) to fine-tune things makes for a hit at the actual party!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

trip #1

So D and I just got back a couple days ago from our first post-TTC trip, and it was AWESOME! We chose Phoenix, AZ because my sister and her husband live there. My sister was so excited to have us visit (we haven't had any visits with them that weren't the entire family, and the dynamic is much different with our parents and my brother and his wife and son around) that she played travel agent for us, and basically set up an entire itinerary. When we are on a trip, my husband and I try to only eat at places that we don't have access to where we live, so eating places were a big part of the itinerary.

Day 1: arrive around 6pm, check in at hotel, go to dinner at the Heart Attack Grill (waitresses in nurse outfits, incredibly delicious burgers, we had to wear hospital gowns and hospital wrist bands)

Day 2: get up early for our road trip day, eat free hotel (hot) breakfast, rent a car, buy snacks for the drive, drive to Meteor Crater, see the sights, drive to Grand Canyon, see the sights (sunset), drive back to Phoenix, ate at ridiculously overpriced pizza place

Day 3: free breakfast, pool time, Chik-Fil-A for lunch, more pool time, Joe's Crab Shack for dinner, "first Friday" art walk in downtown Phoenix

Day 4: free breakfast, cheap lunch (Safeway fried chicken and fruit) in the hotel room, pool time, dinner and a ball game at the "home run porch" at TGIF (best way to watch a baseball game EVER)

Day 5: free breakfast, pool time, more cheap lunch (leftovers), then beating the heat advisory with some rockin' games of Scattergories and Scrabble (we actually used EVERY tile!)

Day 6: free breakfast, pack, In 'n Out for lunch, hang out with sister and her husband talking about our next trip, leave :(

We decided that at some point in the next year or so, we will go on a road trip/camping trip with the two of them to see Mt. Rushmore, Devil's Tower, a missile silo, the Black Hills, and Carhenge. I can't wait!

And since D and I will never have our own kids' pictures on the walls of our house, we have decided that we will create a display of postcards from all our travel destinations. So now we have three (Meteor Crater, Grand Canyon, downtown Phoenix) to add to our one Jamaica postcard from our honeymoon. The only trips we've taken between our honeymoon and this one have been to visit my parents, and my sister's wedding, so it's going to be pretty awesome taking a trip each year for pleasure and not just family obligations.

And seriously, seeing all the "accessories" that people with babies and little kids had to take on the plane made me see a nice benefit to it always being just me and D traveling.

Friday, May 21, 2010

last day

Today was my last day of work for the summer! So today was the goodbye meeting for all the teachers leaving the building/district. We get breakfast and social time before that part starts. One of my department co-workers got engaged last night. Most people simply said congratulations, but the few jokers have to pipe up with "oh, is she pregnant?" If it had been said just a couple times, I could have handled it, but they kept going on and on and on and on with the joke until I got fed up and left the table. I think some of them finally realized that joking about accidental pregnancies might be a little insensitive to the infertile sitting at the table. And yes, they all know that D and I won't be having kids, and they know the reason for it. I think they figured it out because as soon as I returned to the table, they immediately started asking me about our upcoming trip to Phoenix. It felt sudden and awkward, but it was nice that they changed the subject and were making an effort to include me in the conversation.

And now I have the summer to further my transition into non-momhood so that their stupid jokes won't piss me off so much. :)

Sunday, May 9, 2010


Today, I'm thinking about all the mothers that I know and all the "non-mothers" I know that long to be a mother as well. Some of them have been through hell, and today I celebrate their strength and perseverence.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

questions and advice

So this weekend, I have been asked by three different people if Dave and I are pregnant or are thinking about trying. I responded with the truth to all of them "We were trying, but we can't get pregnant. We even tried in vitro and it didn't work. So now we won't be having kids." All of them rolled with it fairly well, and changed the subject pretty quickly. Of course, they all asked or mentioned adoption. With adults, I can answer well enough. When it's one of my students who has been adopted, it's a little trickier. For them, adoption is awesome; they don't understand how difficult and emotionally draining it can be on the other end.

And then one of my friends, who knows all about our struggles the past two years, sent me an email telling me of some success story woman she knows who did 6 IUI's and 1 IVF without success. And then, lo and behold, she tried acupuncture, and got pregnant naturally. So I reminded this friend that we have male factor infertility, so unless the woman getting acupuncture somehow improved her husband's motility, it really doesn't apply. (I said it in a slightly less bitchy tone though!)

And then my ex-husband, who only recently found out about our infertility struggles, emailed me after I made a post on Facebook with a few links for Infertility Awareness Week (I guess I kind of "came out" to everyone with those). He felt bad for basically wasting my best fertile years when he was on the fence about having kids. I told him I didn't blame him; when we split up, I always knew there was a chance that I might not have kids, especially if it took me a while to find the perfect person for me. Luckily, it didn't take long to find D, but the baby thing still didn't work out. And even if my ex had made up his mind earlier in our marriage, I wouldn't have been the same person or the right place to meet D.

I was very proud of myself though. It was actually fairly easy to answer their questions, and I didn't have a meltdown at all!

Vegetable Garden 2010 update: We have sprouts!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


Today at lunch, I walked in to the main room where the other teachers eat lunch, and one of the teacher's husband had brought their baby for a visit to mommy. I've been making an effort to eat lunch with them again since my seclusion during IVF, but god damn, I don't want to spend my lunch with a baby who looks so much like his dad that all it does is remind me that I will never have a baby that looks like my husband.

So I held in the sadness until I got home, so now the tears are flowing.

Fuck. I was doing so well too. So much for National Infertility Awareness Week. Apparently, my co-workers don't give a shit, or are too clueless to realize that a lunch spent with a baby or talking about babies constantly (brought on by the presence of the other baby) might not be easy for me. I guess I'm just supposed to avoid them because none of them have enough sensitivity to actually make sure I am included in the conversation. Fuck 'em.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

mojitos and other random thoughts

My husband and I make our own mojitos and they are fantastic. Steeped mint, freshly squeezed limes, etc. My in-laws only seem to remember that we LIKE mojitos, and so every time they see any mojito mixers on sale, they buy it for us. Then they call D like it's this great thing that they've done for us. Sure we do like them, but we like OURS. So now we are getting a fucking bucket of mojito mix that we don't want. Can we donate that to the food pantry? :)

I was thinking about the movie (and book, I suppose) He's Just Not That Into You, and realized that all the helpful comments that are given to women by other women ("I know this one guy who proposed after seven years," etc) are very similar to the helpful comments fertiles give to infertiles ("I know this one couple that couldn't get pregnant, and once they stopped trying...."). It makes me wonder if this kind of thing happens in all circumstances of life.

I recently read the book Silent Sorority, and it is amazing. It is tremendously helpful as we navigate the tricky path of living without children after going through infertility treatments. In one part it mentions how the author was raised to include other people in the conversation, so any conversation that excludes anyone should be limited. And of course, most parents do not do that. It made me think of my co-workers and not-so-close friends. They talk about football or other sports or their kids almost constantly, never taking in to consideration that some of those around them aren't interested or have nothing to add or get out of the conversation. Apparently, it is now more common that if the majority of the group is included, that is enough.

And there is this one "friend" that I have on Facebook. She knows about mine and D's new path in life, and her response to my message to her about it was "I have a friend who also did IVF, and on their last transfer it finally worked! Stay positive." Um, did you even read the message I sent you? We already HAD our last chance and it didn't work. Unless, maybe she has an extra $12,000 that she wants to give us? She is also one who only posts about her kids, or some stupid positive comment like "If you want something bad enough and try hard enough, it will happen." I usually comment back with something like "or if you throw enough money at it." She never comments back.

Update: I just responded to her last message that she sent me where she told me about her friend whose last chance with IVF worked and that I should "keep the faith." I kind of told her that that kind of comment is insensitive and re-explained that I already had my IVF last chance and it didn't work. So telling me to keep the faith is pointless and implies that I didn't think positively enough during the cycle. I feel all sorts of empowered now. I think Silent Sorority had a bigger impact than I thought. I think I won't be as silent and letting thoughtless comments slide by as much now.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

getting better

Some things still set me off, but I've been able to manage a lot better. Sort of the way I did during our saving up for IVF time. D's mom is the worst though. D's sister is pregnant (with a prevented, un-wanted baby), so D's mom has been buying baby stuff for her. Every time we see her she tells us the same stories, and lately they've been about the baby's name, and about all the baby stuff she bought, and she likes to get specific. The first time she did this, it had been only about three weeks since we found out our pregnancy wouldn't last and that it meant no kids for us. She is very insensitive to the fact that what she says might cause us pain. At least D understands, and he squeezes my hand a little harder to let me know he knows.

We are adding a second vegetable garden this weekend. We tried gardening last summer for the first time with a raised 4x8 bed. We grew potatoes, sugar snap peas, green beans, lettuce, tomatoes, strawberries, and cucumbers. This year we are going to keep all those things, but add in shelling peas, corn, peppers, and beets.

School is almost out for the summer. I don't know if that will make things worse or easier. I will have more time to myself which might mean more time with my thoughts. I'm sure there will be lots of tears, but I'm hoping it will be a good thing to release it all.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

barely holding on

It's to the point in the school year where some of the kids are annoying the crap out of me. Most of these students have been at least mildly annoying all year, but now I've reached my patience threshold. Of course, it could be all the pent up frustration, anger, and sadness that is making me snap more frequently at them.

For the most part, I am doing pretty well: making plans for our summer trips, getting ready for gardening, etc. But this week has been rough. This weekend, D and I are going to visit my parents, and it will be the first time seeing them since we found out our pregnancy wasn't going to last, and that this meant most likely a life without children. When I was talking to my parents the other night, my mom was talking about my brother's son (frequent topic since my mom watches him every weekday), and how my dad was rocking him for his nap. I started crying because I realized I will never see my dad rock MY baby. So this visit is one more thing that I need to do in order to face the things I won't ever have. It seems that once I face the thing I thought would happen for us, it is easier the next time. Like going to a hockey game and seeing the parents experiencing it with their kids. D and I always talked about taking our kids to games. Once I saw it the first time, and let myself cry about it, the next game was a lot easier to enjoy. So seeing my parents be grandparents and knowing that won't happen with me will be sad, but it's something I have to face in order to move on.

Friday, March 19, 2010

It's been a while

I haven't posted anything for a while, because really, nothing is happening. I am still dealing with our turn of events: still excited for traveling and creating my "woman cave" in what was supposed to be the baby's room, but also sad when I see babies, knowing that won't ever be me carrying one.

I had parent-teacher conferences this week, and they sucked as always. The conversations with the parents went fine, but they are so emotionally draining. I was exhausted after having two of those nights in a row, so I went to bed before 10, woke up this morning around 8 feeling awesome. So I worked out, and now I'm getting ready to go shopping and to get a massage this afternoon (no work today).

My goal is to lose some weight for two reasons. All those BFN diets have taken their toll, and I weigh the most I ever have right now. Secondly, my weight is something I feel I have control over, and I feel the need to do something and to actually see results from my efforts. Since TTC didn't do that for me. So far I've lost two pounds in the last two weeks. I'm okay with that rate since it will be easier to keep it off if I lose it slowly. My overall goal is to lose about 20 pounds. I'd love to see the 150's again. That's probably the weight when I felt I looked my best....not way-too-skinny like I was in high school (late bloomer), and not slightly overweight like I am now. A nice happy medium.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010


I only cried once on Sunday, and not at all yesterday! Of course, last night, D was off work, so that helped a lot. We always have fun together. And it was pretty fun checking out hotels and stuff around Cedar Point. We watched several roller coaster videos, and are completely stoked to go there this summer.

A couple friends have mentioned to me how strong they think I am, how I can keep going to work (especially the day after I found out the pregnancy wasn't going to progress) and keeping myself together. D and I were talking about that last night, and we were both of the opinion that the alternative is to stay home and think about it and cry and be generally miserable, which is a pretty shitty alternative. I love my job, and I love (most of) my students, so why would I choose to miss out on a good aspect of my life to focus on something that sucks, that I have no control over. It doesn't seem like it's strong to me, but I'll still take the compliment. :)

Saturday, February 27, 2010

damn gossips

There were only a handful of co-workers who knew about mine and D's infertility issues and that we were pursuing IVF. Well, apparently, on our last in-service day, because I was gone for egg retrieval, one of the few told my whole department. So when I got back, there were a lot of "how are you doing?" questions from them, and based on the tone (you fellow infertiles know what I mean), I knew that they knew. Well, with the whole chemical pregnancy thing, and the moving on to a childless life, I figured I better fill them in or I'd be getting more glances at my belly and questions as to my pregnant status. So I emailed them, and told them that IVF didn't work for us, and that we were moving on to a different plan, which included travel each summer.

So I got some nice supportive emails back from some of them. And one woman stopped me in the hallway that afternoon, and said she had a story for me. I assumed it was about a student (since our department often shares stories of that nature), but no, it was a story about some woman that she knows that couldn't get pregnant (although she already has three kids, and had only been trying for 6 months for the most recent one), and she and her husband decided to take a break, and wham, like magic, she got pregnant. I could barely keep a straight face. I just wanted to laugh or roll my eyes because I had JUST told them we were moving on from trying to get pregnant and that we had accepted that we most likely would never have kids. I hope there aren't more of these in store for me.

Friday, February 26, 2010


Well, instead of doubling (or even rising), my 15.3 dropped to a 14. So all medication is stopped, and I wait for a period, and go in for another beta on Wednesday to make sure it is going down. So that majorly sucks. I kind of wish it hadn't worked at all, instead of raising our hopes for two days and slamming us back down. We had already decided that we would only do IVF once, because we don't want to pay that kind of money again, and I don't want to go through the roller coaster of emotions again. Once was enough. So now it's on to Plan B, which involves an awesome trip every summer (I am a teacher, so I am off, and D can relatively easily get time off then), and lots of sleeping in. Not an ideal trade-off, but a decent runner-up option.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

home test

I took a home pregnancy test today hoping I would have enough of the magic hormone for it to show me those two lines. It didn't. I still only saw one. I have the second blood test today, and now I'm not feeling so confident. As my husband so kindly told me during my meltdown, it could be too early still for the home test to detect anything, which I know is true. So I still have some hope for the results today.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

it's positive!

My beta level was 15.3 this morning. It's positive, but I won't feel certain until I see how it rises with the second beta on Thursday. But for now, I'm pregnant! (That is very weird to type that.)

Monday, February 22, 2010


The past few days, EVERYTHING makes me cry or at least tear up before I get control of myself. Is it stress? fear? pregnancy? progesterone side effect? A combination? Who knows.

But I do know that all the support I've gotten from you ladies has been amazing. I truly appreciate (even if it has made me cry when I read the comments!) everything you've done for me.


I have not taken a home pregnancy test yet. I am not a big pee on a stick girl. I try to save them for when I have an actual reason to take one (i.e. my period is late), so I haven't taken very many since we started trying. With the progesterone suppositories, there's no "my period is late" kind of thing. My blood test is tomorrow morning, and I am terrified and excited at the same time. I'm excited that it could be good news and terrified that it could be awful news. *fingers crossed*

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

under pressure

So I got the call from the clinic about our third embryo (the less developed morula), and it didn't make it. So we have no frozen back-up if this fresh transfer doesn't work. I can't believe we went through all of this, and paid all this money, for ONE chance at getting pregnant. I'm still feeling hopeful about our chances, but I'd feel a lot better if we had a safety net. D and I discussed in September that we wanted to at least try everything we could to get pregnant, so IVF was our last ditch effort, and we decided then that we would only do it once (we are paying out of pocket). It's so scary to think that this is IT for us. Either result on Tuesday will change our lives forever. Either we will be expecting or we will be living child-free.

Six days.

Monday, February 15, 2010

they are inside me!

So the transfer went "perfectly" according to the doctor. My lining looked amazing, apparently. One of the three embryos had reached blastocyst stage, and the other two were still morulas. They transferred the blastocyst and the morula that looked closest to blastocyst. As for the third, they will continue to culture it, and if by tomorrow, it still hasn't reached blastocyst, they will assume that development has arrested. If it does reach blastocyst, they will freeze it for us.

So now I think strong implantation and continued growth thoughts, and wait (patiently) for the 23rd to get here for my bloodwork. I still haven't decided if I am going to take a home pregnancy test before then or not. I guess I'll have to wait and see how impatient I am as the 23rd gets closer.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

3 embryos!

So of the 6 eggs they got yesterday, only 3 were mature. The nurse actually said "that doesn't make sense." But all three mature eggs fertilized. So yay! I was pretty worried yesterday, so now I feel good and positive again. Transfer is set for 9:15 am on Monday.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

only 6

The doctor was hoping for at least 8 eggs, but she was only able to get 6. So that's not great. We are only willing to do IVF once, so I'm hoping for 4 to fertilize so that we have a back-up in case the first transfer doesn't work.

I'm not too sore or anything, but they did find fluid in my abdomen (beginning of OHSS, I think), so they removed that and told me to drink Gatorade and eat salty food (yay for potato chips!). And my ovaries bled some, so I have to sleep at a 30 degree angle tonight to avoid the blood seeping up and irritating my diaphragm.

So not great news, but in hindsight, everything WAS going far too smoothly.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

last shot

So we did the trigger shot last night. That is my last home-given shot! When I talked to the nurse yesterday, she told me that the progesterone shots are cheaper than the suppositories, and since our insurance covers nothing, she suggested we go with those. The problem with that is that they go in my hip and D would have to give them. Well, he works nights, so it would be difficult to manage that every day. So suppositories it is! Fun, fun.

Monday, February 8, 2010

trigger shot

We have been cleared to go ahead with the trigger shot tonight; egg retrieval scheduled for Wednesday morning. It's amazing how it feels like we had to wait FOREVER to start the IVF process what with saving up for it, and then the ovarian cyst, and now everything seems to be going by a lightspeed. I can't believe it's already time for the trigger shot!

Saturday, February 6, 2010

injection club

I feel like I've paid my dues to be in the real club now: I had to give myself my evening injection in a public bathroom, three nights in a row! The clicking of the Follistim pen didn't seem so loud in our bedroom at home.

Friday, February 5, 2010

first check-up since injections started

16 follicles: 12 small to medium sized ones on the right ovary, 3 tiny and 1 huge one on the left ovary. The nurse said they would probably let the huge one over-mature in order to get the other ones caught up in size. When she called later with my hormone levels, she said my estrogen was a little high (857) for it being only day 4.5 of injections. So now there is a risk of me ovulating early. So now my shot regimen is to continue the same dose of Menopur (150) along with a dose of Ganirelix in the mornings, and cut my Follistim in half (now 75). I'm hoping the Ganirelix does its job and acts like a nice glass of wine to calm my ovaries down.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

something's happening

So today is day 4 of injections, and I can definitely tell that something is going on with my ovaries. I can't wait to go in to the doctor tomorrow to find out exactly what is going on. It feels pretty much like how I normally feel in the days leading up to ovulation, but more. The more makes it mildly uncomfortable, but not really that bad.

Monday, February 1, 2010

First Shot Done!

So I mixed the fluid and the powder for the Menopur, tapped out the air bubbles, squeezed the plunger until a drop came out (well, two), inserted the needle in my stomach, and sent in the drugs. The needle only hurt a little, and I could feel a very slight burn from the medicine, but other than that, it didn't hurt at all! I thought that for the first one, I'd see how much it hurt, and then decide what kind of pain numbing thing I wanted to try. It's nice to know I probably won't need one. Although, we'll see if the Follistim feels the same way tonight.

I slept like crap last night though from being nervous about the first shot. In one dream the medicine turned into mud in the syringe, so it wouldn't work. Weird.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

we are good to go!

The cyst is completely gone, so injections start on Monday morning!!

Friday, January 22, 2010

bad dreams

I woke up crying in the middle of the night.

I dreamed that we had gone in for an IVF check-up, and some new doctor told us D's sperm wasn't good enough even for ICSI. He said the initial motility was 14%, and the later one was 4%, and it wasn't good enough. (These numbers are higher than the real results, by the way.) So I started crying, and asking why they had us buy all the medication if we weren't ever going to be able to use it.

Then I woke up.

I think I might be worried about something else going wrong. ;)

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


I normally love the winter Olympics. However, this year's gives me mixed feelings.

D and I had looked in to going to this year's winter games, but then we didn't get pregnant right away (our fantasy plan had my parents coming to stay at our house to watch the six month old baby when we went), so it became a waiting game. "I'm probably not going to want to go a month after giving birth." "I don't want to be 7 - 8 months pregnant when we go." "I don't want to be having morning sickness when we go." And then all our infertility troubles came to light, and suddenly the money we would have spent on a trip to the winter Olympics had to go towards IVF. Only a fraction of the IVF total though. The Olympics would have been surprisingly affordable since we would have been going to the earlier games/events, and with it being in Canada, the airfare wouldn't have been so bad.

So now we will be watching the games from home, and if my cyst goes away, the opening ceremonies will be smack in the middle of egg retrieval and embryo transfer. I'm going to act like that is a good sign.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

another delay

They found a cyst on my right ovary, so IVF is postponed until it is gone. Birth control pills continue, and I go back in two weeks to check on the cyst. How fast does a cyst normally disappear?

We did get all the medication leading up to the egg retrieval. That was a nice chunk of change.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

counting down the days

medications taken so far: birth control pills, baby aspirin, antibiotics

Today, D and I started taking our antibiotics, twice daily, for ten days. I think it's fun that D gets to take some drugs too...even if it IS just a pill.

Nine days until we get the precription for the real drugs; twelve days until I start taking the real drugs.