Wednesday, February 16, 2011

meaningless cliches

I know these things are meant to comfort or show support (for infertility/wanting to be a parent) but the following phrases really bug me:

1) where there's a will, there's a way

2) if you really want to be a parent, you will find a way to do it

3) you deserve to be a parent, so it will happen

I don't care what kind of willpower you have, sometimes it just won't happen. And just because I don't want to adopt doesn't mean that I didn't "want it enough." And that deserving thing really pisses me off. So I'm not deserving of a baby, but the stupid teenage girls that can't graduate high school in six years are?

Sunday, February 13, 2011


We are quickly approaching the anniversary of the results of our one failed IVF cycle. The 15th was embryo transfer day, the 23rd, we got the positive beta, and two days later found out the numbers were falling.

We still have the picture of the two transferred embryos hanging on the fridge. It's time to take it down, but I don't want to throw it away. That picture and the one baby shirt we bought (this totally awesome star wars shirt, it's a layered look shirt, thermal long sleeves, millenium falcon t-shirt) when we first started trying are the only things we have to remind us of what we almost had. Maybe it's my pack rat tendencies, but I have a hard time throwing away things that are meaningful to me. I still have the cards that the elementary kids made me when I student taught for one semester (I was originally certified K-12 for math only, so my school had us student-teach one semester in an elementary setting for a couple hours a day, and one semester at the secondary level all day). I'm never going to see those kids again, but the cards are so sweet, and I can still remember most of them. Obviously, our possible babies mean a lot more to me.

So I'm trying to come up with something to do with the picture and the shirt, something to symbolize that we are moving on, but not throwing/giving them away. I couldn't bear to see someone else's baby wearing OUR babies' shirt. I'm leaning toward keepsake box kind of thing, something that we can put the shirt and picture in, and set it on the mantle. It's still a big part of what we wanted from our lives, but we are both getting to a place where we are okay with not getting it. But because it's still a big part of our lives, I want to keep it. Kind of like storing it away in my heart/head, but symbolically.

What do you think?

Thursday, February 3, 2011

real nice, bro

My brother calls my sister and I "sis" and we both hate it. We always joke about calling him "bro" to see what he would do, but he'd probably like it, so we don't.

Anyway, he made this post on Facebook this morning:
We're EXPECTING AGAIN!I know, I know, it's crazy isn't it? I can't believe it myself. I wasn't going to put it on here yet, but decided to make it official. I mean who would have guessed that we are expecting AGAIN!!Yup it's official.. We are expecting freezing TEMPS today and AGAIN tomorrow!! **Re-post if you have any sense of humor*......

I've posted before about what crappy parents he and his wife are (my parents, the nephew's grandparents, have basically taken over raising him), so reading this made my stomach clench up. My husband said it made him "want to puke." My brother and I are not close, at all, but I think it's really shitty of him to joke about having another baby (even if it is a repost) when he knows that D and I cannot have kids, and our sister has been trying for almost two years with no luck.

I'm not sure how to approach this with him, or if I even should. I can't really say "look, you're a shitty, hands-off parent, and as an infertile, I don't think it's funny for you to say you are expecting another baby, when you can't even raise the one you have."