Wednesday, March 31, 2010

barely holding on

It's to the point in the school year where some of the kids are annoying the crap out of me. Most of these students have been at least mildly annoying all year, but now I've reached my patience threshold. Of course, it could be all the pent up frustration, anger, and sadness that is making me snap more frequently at them.

For the most part, I am doing pretty well: making plans for our summer trips, getting ready for gardening, etc. But this week has been rough. This weekend, D and I are going to visit my parents, and it will be the first time seeing them since we found out our pregnancy wasn't going to last, and that this meant most likely a life without children. When I was talking to my parents the other night, my mom was talking about my brother's son (frequent topic since my mom watches him every weekday), and how my dad was rocking him for his nap. I started crying because I realized I will never see my dad rock MY baby. So this visit is one more thing that I need to do in order to face the things I won't ever have. It seems that once I face the thing I thought would happen for us, it is easier the next time. Like going to a hockey game and seeing the parents experiencing it with their kids. D and I always talked about taking our kids to games. Once I saw it the first time, and let myself cry about it, the next game was a lot easier to enjoy. So seeing my parents be grandparents and knowing that won't happen with me will be sad, but it's something I have to face in order to move on.

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