Wednesday, March 31, 2010

barely holding on

It's to the point in the school year where some of the kids are annoying the crap out of me. Most of these students have been at least mildly annoying all year, but now I've reached my patience threshold. Of course, it could be all the pent up frustration, anger, and sadness that is making me snap more frequently at them.

For the most part, I am doing pretty well: making plans for our summer trips, getting ready for gardening, etc. But this week has been rough. This weekend, D and I are going to visit my parents, and it will be the first time seeing them since we found out our pregnancy wasn't going to last, and that this meant most likely a life without children. When I was talking to my parents the other night, my mom was talking about my brother's son (frequent topic since my mom watches him every weekday), and how my dad was rocking him for his nap. I started crying because I realized I will never see my dad rock MY baby. So this visit is one more thing that I need to do in order to face the things I won't ever have. It seems that once I face the thing I thought would happen for us, it is easier the next time. Like going to a hockey game and seeing the parents experiencing it with their kids. D and I always talked about taking our kids to games. Once I saw it the first time, and let myself cry about it, the next game was a lot easier to enjoy. So seeing my parents be grandparents and knowing that won't happen with me will be sad, but it's something I have to face in order to move on.

Friday, March 19, 2010

It's been a while

I haven't posted anything for a while, because really, nothing is happening. I am still dealing with our turn of events: still excited for traveling and creating my "woman cave" in what was supposed to be the baby's room, but also sad when I see babies, knowing that won't ever be me carrying one.

I had parent-teacher conferences this week, and they sucked as always. The conversations with the parents went fine, but they are so emotionally draining. I was exhausted after having two of those nights in a row, so I went to bed before 10, woke up this morning around 8 feeling awesome. So I worked out, and now I'm getting ready to go shopping and to get a massage this afternoon (no work today).

My goal is to lose some weight for two reasons. All those BFN diets have taken their toll, and I weigh the most I ever have right now. Secondly, my weight is something I feel I have control over, and I feel the need to do something and to actually see results from my efforts. Since TTC didn't do that for me. So far I've lost two pounds in the last two weeks. I'm okay with that rate since it will be easier to keep it off if I lose it slowly. My overall goal is to lose about 20 pounds. I'd love to see the 150's again. That's probably the weight when I felt I looked my best....not way-too-skinny like I was in high school (late bloomer), and not slightly overweight like I am now. A nice happy medium.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010


I only cried once on Sunday, and not at all yesterday! Of course, last night, D was off work, so that helped a lot. We always have fun together. And it was pretty fun checking out hotels and stuff around Cedar Point. We watched several roller coaster videos, and are completely stoked to go there this summer.

A couple friends have mentioned to me how strong they think I am, how I can keep going to work (especially the day after I found out the pregnancy wasn't going to progress) and keeping myself together. D and I were talking about that last night, and we were both of the opinion that the alternative is to stay home and think about it and cry and be generally miserable, which is a pretty shitty alternative. I love my job, and I love (most of) my students, so why would I choose to miss out on a good aspect of my life to focus on something that sucks, that I have no control over. It doesn't seem like it's strong to me, but I'll still take the compliment. :)