Friday, July 30, 2010

It has stayed in my head

Okay, so I had a meeting today for work, and I was talking to a friend/co-worker there, and giving her the update on my emotional status. A part of our conversation was how I felt unsupported from some of my colleagues last school year, and how some of the things they said or joked about were pretty insensitive to the infertile in the room. Then my friend says "well, YOU are fertile; you just had to deal with slow swimmers." While this is technically true (even though I'm sure my age or something was the cause of us only getting three eggs and a chemical pregnancy from the IVF), I don't really think of myself as fertile and my husband as infertile. I think of it as WE are infertile. It just seems like I am putting blame on him if I say it the other way, and all along our TTC path, it was a team effort. His sperm having low motility was a blow to both of us. I never thought "shit, my husband is infertile." I thought "damn, we have some infertility to overcome."

I don't know. That comment about me being fertile and my husband not being fertile kept going round in my head, so I had to get it out. I would hope that if the tables were turned, my husband would think of it the same way that I do.


"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as the hell don't deserve me at my best." Marilyn Monroe

So this pretty much sums up my attitude towards people who were insensitive or uncaring during our infertility struggles. Is it wrong to pretty much cut them out of my life (to the extent that that is possible)? Some of them are co-workers, and I feel like their treatment of me was the deciding factor in whether we are friends or colleagues. I used to listen to their talk about their spouses and their kids (or plans for kids), and now I kind of don't care to hear any of it. I don't really want to talk to them about anything other than work stuff. And the so-called friends that turned the other way, I feel like they don't deserve my friendship ever again. Why should I be friends with someone who can't support me (or just be nice to me) when I am down? I had one that actually said she couldn't be my friend while she was pregnant because it made her feel guilty. Niiiiiiiiiice.

Thursday, July 29, 2010


I thought of something that I will miss with us not having kids....decorating a nursery, and redecorating the kid's room periodically (I walked by the kids' room aisle at Target today). I love picking out colors and matching bedspreads and curtains and things. So I know that I will probably redecorate rooms in our house every once in a while to satisfy that urge. Well, the ones that are easily paintable anyway, bathrooms and our bedroom mainly. The living room has super high ceilings, so that one is going to stay the same for quite some time. We've just fixed up the basement gaming area and I'm in the process of redecorating my girl room. So I'm good for a couple years at least. :)

Thursday, July 22, 2010


I'm getting really tired of people asking if we've thought about adoption. I want to shout at them "What??? adoption??? I've never heard of it. You mean, they just give out babies?!?!"

Of COURSE, we've talked about adoption (what infertile hasn't), but it's not for us. And I'm perfectly okay telling people this, although I do feel a little bad telling people who are adopted that I feel that way; I feel like I'm saying "we wouldn't want a kid like YOU."

And I have one friend who is technically adopted, but he is adopted by his stepdad. So all his dad had to do was marry my friend's mom. No home visits, no intrusive questionings. A little paperwork, and he was done. My friend likes to tell me how awesome his life turned out because of his dad. Anytime I mention that D and I are not going to be having kids now, this friend says something like "unless you adopt..." I kind of want to tell him to fuck off because his adoption is not even close to what ours would look like if we were to choose that.

But since we are not choosing that, I just smile and nod. For now. ;)

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

top ten

On the site, there is a forum post about the ten best things about not having children. I've been trying to come up with my list, but I haven't quite gotten to ten. I've been working on the transition to thinking positively about our situation.

I recently started reading a book called Some Girls Bite by Chloe Neill. It's about a girl who is changed into a vampire to save her life. Well, she's upset because she didn't choose it. There's a passage that I SOOOOO related to: "I knew I needed to buck up, to let go of what I'd lost and find a way to survive, to thrive, in my new world. But how do you let go of a lifetime of plans? Of assumptions about your life, about who you were and who you were going to be?" (p. 73-74)

And then later: "I could make that choice. Here and now, I could take ownership, take back my life again." (p.119)

Anyway, that's what I've been trying to do. I do have a choice in how I live my life. I can live it in sadness and grief, constantly lamenting what I don't have, or what I didn't get to do. Or I can live it in happiness, treasuring what I do have, and what I do get to do.

So I WILL write a top ten list. This is what I have so far:
1. Sleeping in.
2. Having the freedom to switch my sleep schedule to my husband's on my weekends and summers off (he works night shift).
3. Getting to have spontaneous date nights with no worry about getting a sitter.
4. Having the freedom to watch whatever I want and not worry about appropriateness.
5. I can have all the road rage I want, and swear all I want, and not worry about setting a bad example.
6. I can continue to spoil my kitties with attention and cuddling for hours at a time.
7. I can talk on the phone to my sister for hours with no interruptions.
8. We can take a trip anywhere we want to.

Monday, July 19, 2010

date night

My husband has mentioned more than once (rare) that he wants to see a certain movie (Knight and Day, he loves action). So we are going to go see it tonight, eat some dinner, and try a new bar that recently opened up. It's called Indulgence Lounge. Should be fun!

Oh, and just to keep in theme of this whole blog: we don't have to worry about a babysitter!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


1. Our garden is coming along nicely. I'm waiting (not so patiently) for the tomatoes to redden so I can eat them. Garden fresh tomatoes are AMAZING. There are a couple cucumbers just about ready for picking too. If the tomatoes can time themselves with the cucumbers, I am infor an amazing salad. The bully green beans knocked down my peas, so they are mostly dead now. Boo. I was looking forward to shelling peas. Maybe next year. Of course, next year they won't be next to the bullies.

2. My mother in law is still not my favorite person. They came over to drop off some stuff for my husband, and while he and I were trying to talk to our nephew, she kept babbling, and calling my name to make me pay attention to HER. Then she went on to tell me about some home buying grant for teachers and cops that she had heard of, so if we wanted to buy a different house, with a floor plan that we liked better, since she remembered me saying I didn't like the floor plan of the house my husband bought before he met me, blah blah blah. So I said that the floor plan was only a problem if we had more than one kid (which we had said at the time; there's only one other bedroom on the main floor with us, the other is in the basement), and now that we won't be having kids, the floor plan is fine. So then she keeps going with it, because she has to be right or make me uncomfortable, and says "well, I didn't know if using what was supposed to be the nursery as your sewing room would make you sad, so buying a house with a different floor plan would be a fresh start." Um, thanks for picking the scab off. So I told her that USING the room that was supposed to be a nursery was a lot less sad than leaving it sitting there empty. And then apparently, her brain went "speaking of babies..." and she went on to tell me how D's sister is so tired of being pregnant because her ankles are swollen. Wah.

3. I LOVE my girl room, and I LOVE our house. All our redecorating and organizing has really paid off, and it is so cozy. I kind of don't want to leave it. That doesn't mean I don't want to socialize with people; I just want to do it at our house and not at theirs. :)

4. Now that we are no longer trying to get pregnant, I am looking forward to a school year in which I do not have to set doctor appointments, or try to have private, fertility-related phone conversations where my students/coworkers cannot hear me.

5. Of course, there are at least two immediate coworkers who are starting TTC this summer, so I am NOT looking forward to hearing about how quickly they got pregnant and the follow-up of comparing pregnancy symptoms when they are pregnant together.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

new friends

We had a cookout today, and I met some cool people. One is the fiancee of one of my husband's friends, and the other is a new-ish girlfriend of one of our friends. The fiancee loves Sex and the City and Friends, and has a great personality. The new-ish girlfriend seems really cool, and is a three-time published author of fiction books that sound really good. I'm probably going to go to her book signing on Wednesday and pick up her three books. (They are a paperback series about vampires.)

So all in all, a pretty good day!