IVF veterans

Any questions I should ask at our big meeting on the 14th (injection class, IVF consent signing, etc)? Thanks!

It's here! It's here!

So my period came this morning. I just called the RE's office, and got straight through! The nurse is going to call me back with more specific instructions in a bit (when to start and stop the pill, etc). I feel so excited, but at the same time, I keep thinking "Holy shit! We are really doing this!"

only infertiles

I am waiting for my period to arrive this week so I can call the RE's office and start birth control pills in preparation for IVF in January. This morning I was thinking, "I can't wait for my period to start." And then I thought, only infertiles (or people who don't want to be pregnant, I suppose) ever feel that way at some point in their infertility journey. It's all about waiting, and once you finally arrive at the point of taking part in some type of procedure, you almost always have to wait until your period starts again. Sure, I hope it won't come, and the "one sperm" that it takes actually made it through the non-moving ones and fertilized an egg. But my logical side knows that is highly unlikely, so I am in the "it's almost here! it's almost here!" thinking that a person usually has for Christmas and birthdays. I suppose I have it for Christmas too, but more for getting the final process started.

punch to the gut

I had been doing so well. Plans for starting the IVF process in January were keeping me relatively optimistic. A few pregnancy announcements have come up, and I didn't cry at all....until last night. D's mom sent some cryptic email asking if we had talked to D's sister lately. Um, we never talk to her. So D's dad called last night (after D and I saw the Rifftrax - formerly the guys from Mystery Science Theater - presentation of some Christmas shorts; I haven't laughed that hard in a long time) to tell us that D's sister is pregnant. She had her first kid her senior year of high school, and has talked a lot about how she doesn't want another one. Her son is now almost 11. So she was preventing pregnancy, doesn't want a baby, yet she ends up pregnant.

I can handle the pregnancy announcements that come from people who were trying (even if they get pregnant on the second try, I at least know they WANT a baby), but the ones who were using fucking birth control and still manage to get pregnant? I have a little trouble dealing with those.

So I ended up crying on the drive home. Which really pissed me off because D and I were having such a nice night otherwise.

in news completely unrelated to infertility

I am a teacher, and I live in the midwest. We got DUMPED with snow (my husband and I were trying to clear the driveway today, and we had drifts that were at least 3 feet deep; I think our total snowfall for the two days was more than 10 inches) over the past two days, and tomorrow is DAY 3 of no school! The semester is ending on the 18th, so now I have to figure out how to revise my lesson plans so that I can finish everything I'm supposed to before then.

infertility curiosity

I have noticed that people tend to ask me this question a lot: "how are...things?" Like they want to know what's going on with me and D fertility-wise, but they don't know what/how to ask. One co-worker friend asks this fairly frequently, but sometimes he asks something like "how are things on the baby front?" Then I know he wants details, but the first, vague question doesn't tell me that. I feel like I've laid it all out for people several times, and it makes some of them uncomfortable. It's hard to gauge how much people want to know. I don't really care who knows what (as long as I'm the one to tell them), but some of them don't really want to know, you know? :)

ugh

So now I have a friend who doesn't want kids ever who thinks she might be pregnant. She made a post (most of us communicate/keep in touch via livejournal) asking for advice and early pregnancy symptoms from those who have been pregnant. I was surprised at how many people I know who have had abortions. I've always been pro-choice, so that's not really the issue. But it just drove home to me how random infertility is. Several of the women who had abortions now are either pregnant or have recently had a baby. I've never even thought I might be pregnant (except for the month since D and I started trying that my period was late thanks to hyperstimulated ovaries), yet I want to be so badly. These women have thrown away chances at babies, yet were still able to conceive when they wanted to. It just sucks all around.

infertility wall

So the friends Thanksgiving was very fun. The former friend who cut me out was there, and I successfully avoided her. I caught her looking at me a couple times, but I looked away/walked away each time. Maybe that's immature, but I don't care. I'm sure anyone that was there would tell me to be nice to the pregnant woman. But she had no consideration for being nice to the infertile, so I don't care.

I have another friend there who recently had a miscarriage. I recognized the determination in her face that it takes to be around a pregnant woman or around someone with a small baby (both of which were there). Weird how once you've dealt with infertility, you can sometimes recognize the same emotions in someone else.

Last spring a bunch of teachers and I went to a conference. Of course, the nosiest woman there asked one of the guys who has been married for a while if he and his wife had kids or were going to. He responded with "not yet" and then immediately cast his eyes down. I responded that way so many times in the last year. It made me wonder if he and his wife were dealing with infertility or if I was just projecting.

Anyway, I'm able to handle pregnancy talk and pregnancy announcements much easier this holiday season. IVF looming on the horizon has renewed my hope and optimism.

friends Thanksgiving

So some of my friends are big in the bar scene, and they have arranged a private day at one of their favorites for us to have a friends Thanksgiving. Most of the people that are going to be there know nothing of our infertility struggles; the ones who do know have been pretty supportive.

But then I found out someone else is going to be there too. They all talked her in to going. A few months back, she announced her pregnancy online. I said "congratulations!" just like everyone else did. She then deleted me from her friends list. I was a little thrown by this. She emailed me and basically said "I guess you noticed that I deleted you. I just don't want to feel guilty every time you comment about me being pregnant. Good luck with your life." Now, I can kind of understand her wanting to keep her emotional state in the neutral area and not feel guilty because an infertile dared to be positive about her unplanned pregnancy. But then I think about how this particular online site has FILTERS, so I emailed her back and said something along the lines of "well, you could just make a filter and exclude me from it. By deleting me, you also now cannot read anything that happens in my life." She never responded. Which completely tells me that she was never a very good friend in the first place.

Well, now she is going to be at this Thanksgiving dinner. I was really looking forward to it, thinking I could have a day where I'm not bombarded with infertility reminders. But she will be there, with her pregnant belly, as a huge reminder that some people have it so easy, and will never understand what I am going through, and just don't care to even try.

So my solution is to try to avoid her, and to get mildly drunk.

money

Unless some huge unexpected bill pops up, D and I will have enough money saved (yay for no insurance coverage!) to start the IVF process in January!! When I realized how close that is, I felt extremely excited and extremely freaked the hell out.

D's urologist appt

Well, D went to the urologist suggested by Dr. G. I asked how it went, and D said "I got fondled....and a finger up the butt." So we went for Chinese food for dinner as D's treat (our tradition is to get a treat of the invasive/uncomfortable-procedure-victim's choice). We were going to get TCBY for dessert, but apparently they have now closed.

Anyway...

The urologist said he found a small varicocele which could be causing the problem with motility, but he kept saying D's numbers were good enough to get me pregnant (since his count and morphology are in normal ranges). I'm sure if I wasn't already 34, and we had the option of being patient, it could maybe happen on its own. I mean, there has to be a super swimmer able to get past all the slow ones at some point! But the varicocele surgery, with all the anesthesia that goes with it, would be a good chunk of money. And our insurance won't cover it since it is for sure for fertility this time. The urologist said there was a 50/50 chance of it helping, but D said his tone impled that it would not.

So our choices are:
1) D has the surgery and we use our IVF savings to pay for it. Then if it works, we have a real chance of getting pregnant naturally. If it doesn't, we have no chance and no money for IVF.

2) D does not have the surgery and we continue on our plan to do IVF in early 2010.

So we have chosen option 2. We feel that IVF at least gives us a real fighting chance...even though the odds given to us are the same as the varicocele surgery. Maybe it's not logical, but it feels right to us. And even going in to the urology appointment, D and I had discussed the time frame for a corrective treatment for him, and we had kind of decided that unless the odds of it helping were VERY good, we would probably still pursue IVF.


So that's where we are. Same place we were two weeks ago, but we feel like we are a little more confident that IVF is the route for us...and that there wasn't some magical urology fix for D.

hmmm...

Over a month ago, when D and I found out the doctor recommended IVF, I told a few people. One in particular I asked not to tell anyone else in our friend group because I wasn't sure how many people I was going to tell we were planning on doing IVF (some of them are very religious and have strong opinions about what happens to the embryos we may not need, and I wasn't in the mood for a lecture). Anyway, at the religious couple's house, a few friends got together, and I wasn't there. My friend told two or three other women that D and I were told IVF was our best bet and that we had started saving money. WTF? She told me about it the next day and she felt really bad about it, so I let it go. I figured I probably would have ended up telling them at some point anyway.

BUT...

I have now hung out with those women, and because I wasn't the one who got to tell them, if IVF gets mentioned, it's like it's no big deal because they already knew. I think it's VERY big. It's very expensive and trying and stressful. I now feel like I lost a bit of my support system, and that sucks. I didn't get to share any of the details, or field any of their questions because my other friend did all that. It's MY (and D's) story, and I want to be the one to tell it.

soreness

Since my recuperation from surgery ended, my lower back has been out of whack. I've gone to the chiropractor twice in the last week, but it hasn't improved. And now my hips have become sore. It's hard to get comfortable, and it hurts when I transition from sitting to standing. I think I pulled a muscle in my back, and my hips are sore from over-compensating. I go to the chiropractor again Tuesday, and I will see what he says.

I googled "sore hips" and of course, google, being ever so helpful, suggested "sore hips due to pregnancy." Nice. I'm trying to avoid the whole "is that a sign?" mind game since our chances of getting pregnant on our own are very slim. So google's input is not welcome.

more pregnant people

The other night I found out two co-workers are pregnant. One is married and had been trying for a while. One is a second year teacher, unmarried, and the pregnancy is the result of a one night stand with a total dirtbag that she met at a wedding. So her plan is to give the baby up for adoption. I cannot even imagine the pain of coming to that decision, and how hard it is going to be for her as a teacher. Teenagers are so very blunt, and will definitely ask questions. And she is one of the hot, young teachers, and super thin, so it's not like she can hide it or have people not notice it. From what I was told, she's having a very hard time dealing with it, but she is a firm believer in two parents for a baby, and that's why she's giving it up. Her roommate said that she cries almost every night. Poor thing. I'm jealous that she could get pregnant so easily, but I feel bad for her and her situation.

And why is it that the dirtbags have super potent sperm while my loving husband (who I think is amazing) doesn't?

something fun

Favorite part of today: in Trig, listing out the key points for a sine wave, in the voice of the Count from Sesame Street. 1pi, 2pi, 3pi, 4pi, ah, ah, ah.

positive thinking?

So I was emailing a friend of mine (the one that is currently pregnant, after only two months of trying) today. She has been pretty supportive throughout all of our infertility struggles in the past year...up til now. She was asking what comes next for us, so I told her the process for IVF and what we may decide depending on the outcome of D's urology appointment. I also mentioned how I was trying to get my head around the possibility of not having children ever. IVF isn't a 100% guarantee, so I sort of have the back-up plan in my head: travel, sleeping in, eating out, no babysitters necessary, etc. Her response didn't sit well with me. I know she was trying to be positive and supportive, but telling me that my situation doesn't warrant having a back-up plan yet felt very condescending. We can only afford one cycle of IVF, so if it doesn't work, that's it. I think it just makes good emotional sense to see some benefits to not having kids. Will I be disappointed if IVF doesn't work? Hell, yes. Probably for months. But I'd like to have in the back of my mind, just in case, a silver lining to that devastation. I really want it to work, and I'm sure I'll be all positive and hopeful for that cycle, but I also know that if it doesn't work, I will survive and continue to lead a happy life with my husband. And I think a woman who got pregnant on her second try is never going to understand that.

period update

This month my period came exactly on time! Good news since this means the cysts on my ovaries have stopped creating problems. At least I think I can assume that since two months in a row, my period was on time...how it used to be EVERY month before taking Clomid.

And (TMI alert), there were hardly any clots, and I didn't have that disgusting gush feeling. Which is very convenient with being a teacher. I can't exactly run to the bathroom anytime I want, so having my period be normal and allow me to only need to change the tampon during my designated bathroom break times was a nice improvement. I wonder if I write about that to the insurance people, they would cover the hysteroscopy?

phone tag

I called the insurance people again after getting the "explanation of benefits" statement saying that my hysteroscopy was not covered because they don't cover infertility treatments. The girl I talked to this time looked at the claim and said "it looks like we filed it correctly based on the doctor's diagnosis." When I asked what that diagnosis was, she said she couldn't tell me, but I could always talk to my doctor and have her send some notes to clarify.

Thus began the phone tag with the financial lady at the fertility clinic. When I finally talked to her, she was all "hmmm...it looks like they are denying all three of these." Um, yeah, that's kind of why I'm calling. Kind of hard to save for IVF if we have to pay an $11000 surgery bill. Then when I told her what the insurance girl said, she goes "but none of these have infertility as the diagnosis; they all say uterine myoma, endometriosis, etc." Which makes me think the insurance people are just being dicks since the claim came from fertility clinic. So now my doctor is writing some notes and the claim will be refiled.

So more waiting to see if they cover it this time. But waiting's the main activity with infertility, isn't it?

possible problem

Our insurance statement says that my sonohysterogram is not covered, which makes me think my hysteroscopy/laparoscopy is not going to be covered either. That will significantly reduce our savings plan. I'm thinking a call to the insurance people is in order.

another one bites the dust

Well, yet another friend is pregnant. And on her second month of trying. I wonder what that even feels like. She is one of my best friends, so she knows all of what D and I are going through, and I am glad that she never had to go through it. That's not to say I am not jealous at all, because I am, but I am happy for her too. The common paradoxical emotion of a member of an infertile couple: jealousy mixed with happiness.

In good news for me and D, I was paying my share of the bills today. D and I decided that we would pay only the minimums on our debts, and the rest that we normally pay would go in to savings for IVF. Well, just from my portion, I was able to sock away $800!! Once I get my pay increase for earning my masters degree, that will be at least $1000. Add in D's portion, and we should be good to go by December. Holy shit.

the results are in

Well, our options are either donor sperm or IVF. D's parents are pretty supportive (they want a grandbaby last year!), so they are going to give us some money to help pay for IVF if we decide to go that route. D is not too keen on the idea of donor sperm, and I don't blame him. I could see us using donor eggs if our issue was my eggs, simply because it would be D's sperm, and the baby would grow in my uterus, so we'd both have a connection. It would be much harder for D to feel a connection if we used donor sperm.

D made an appointment with a urologist for November 4th, just to see if there could be a cause for all his numbers being good except for the motility being SUPER low. Post-wash, there were only 180,000 viable sperm left, after starting with 160,000,000. So not only IVF, but ICSI as well.

So while we wait for the urologist appointment and the subsequent waiting for the results, we will be figuring out how to pay for the rest of the IVF treatments, or as I like to call it, our threeway with science. We both want to at least TRY for a baby that is part of both of us before we look into adoption.

bills

So we just got our first bill from the RE's office. A couple days ago, we got the statement from the insurance company of what wasn't covered. Although it was very vague. Example: cost of $19 was not covered. WHAT was that? Then we got the bill from the RE, so we could compare. According to the RE bill, blood work and our initial visit (with a free bonus probing!) were not covered, but D's SA, my sono, and my surgery, including the preliminary exam were. And we have enough in our accounts to cover it! Whew!!

Less Than a Week!!!!

Until our "plan of attack" meeting with the RE.

We got several insurance statements today, and so far NOTHING has been covered. On our first appointment, the financial lady checked into our insurance and told us that testing was covered but not treatment. Better than I had been hoping for. So now the question is "who is wrong?" Did the financial lady make a mistake or did the insurance?

In light of the $1500 bill we will be getting, which doesn't include my sonohysterogram or my surgery from Monday, I am REALLY hoping they say IUI and not IVF. Here's hoping that D's motility looks better than it did in his previous two tests. This third test cost 10 times as much as the other two, so I hope it was worth it!

Surgery Details

Sunday I had to drink 10 ounces of magnesium citrate. It was lemon flavored. I smelled it before I drank any of it, and told D it smelled like cleaning fluid; he said "because it is." hahahha! It didn't taste that bad, but its effects were not pleasant. Not as bad as I was expecting, but still not pleasant. After I took that, I could only eat clear foods, so it was chicken broth and jello for dinner. And then no fluids after midnight. So I was starving and thirsty the morning of my surgery.

We arrived at the clinic about 12:30; after about 20 minutes, I was taken back to pre-op. Put on my fancy hospital gown, and my cap over my hair, then the nurse took my vitals, and put an IV in my hand. D got to come back and sit with me after that. A couple hours later (the surgery Dr. G was performing before mine took longer than anticipated), D kissed me goodbye/good luck and I was taken to the operating room. There is so much equipment in there! I was scooted onto the gynecological bed, and the anesthesiologist told me he was going to get started. And that's the last thing I remember before waking up in recovery.

D met with Dr. G while I was waking up and she told him the polyp/fibroid came out easily, she saw no endometriosis, and she made an incision in my belly button (so now it feels like I was stabbed in it...D said "because you were." hahaha!) to look at my ovaries. The right one seemed fine, but she wanted a closer look at the left one, so she made another incision on the left side. She popped a couple of the cysts to make sure they weren't anything bad, and determined that they are most likely residual effects from the Clomid.

So I had lay around in recovery for a while, and D got to sit with me again. Then the nurse helped me get dressed. First she asked if I wanted D to leave the room while I got dressed, and I said he could stay, I mean, he's seen it all before. She said she asked another woman the same question, and she didn't want her husband back there at all because she had no make-up on. I bet they have a wonderfully solid relationship. ;) So I got dressed, and they made me wear a maternity menstrual pad in case of any bleeding. Then I got to sit in a chair and have some ice chips (SOOOOOO good after being so thirsty and the anesthesia and breathing mask made my throat very dry and hoarse) and some apple sauce. Then I had to go to the bathroom, which was a little burny since they had to use a catheter to drain my bladder, in order to avoid puncturing it. Once I had accomplished that, the nurse removed my IV, and we were sent on our way.

After we were home for a while, I went to the bathroom, and my belly button is completely bruised inside it, and there is about a 4 inch bruise over the left incision. It looks really gross and black and purple. I can move around OK, just a little slower than normal. And a little drowsy from the pain meds, and my throat still hurts. So I'm drinking tea and sucking on throat lozenges.

But that's about it.

drunk advice

Last night, D and I met up with some friends at Oktoberfest. Great food, great beer, awesome time. One of our friends knows that D and I have been trying, but doesn't know all the details about our fertility issues. She waved me over (after I don't know how many beers) to have a "private" conversation. She asked me how it was going, so I told her that I had to have surgery on Monday (tomorrow, yikes!) to remove a fibroid from my uterus. She didn't know what that meant, so I explained to her what it was and what problems it can cause. Then she told me that D and I should have lots of sex, and asked if I knew when I was ovulating. Because she was drunk, I just smiled and said yes. I realized it was pointless to explain infertility to her. After this, every five minutes or so, she would wave me over and say "I don't really know anything, but I think you're going to have a girl." Okay. Then she waved me over again, and asked if I was "on my cycle." I thought that meant if I was on my period, so I said it just finished. She then replied with "I think tonight's the night." Sure. We'll get pregnant, magically, and then I'll go for surgery on Monday to scrape it all out. Good timing! Of course, that's why they schedule the surgery for when they do in your cycle...to avoid the magical pregnancy.

Then when she hugged D goodbye, she whispered "have fun, knock her up already." D was a little weirded out by that until I told him about her earlier conversation with me. Then he thought it was hilarious.

In about three hours, I will start drinking the magnesium citrate that is supposed to clean out my bowels, in preparation for the surgery. It's lemon flavored. I bet it tastes awesome.

it's all set

Surgery is set for Monday, the 14th. I have a pre-op appointment Thursday morning to determine if I need the laparoscopy too or just the hysteroscopy. I know my period should be done by Monday for the main surgery, but it definitely will not be done for Thursday's exam. I know they've seen bleeding before, but it still grosses me out to be bleeding on the exam table.

Trying to actually speak to someone during my plan time today at school was a nightmare. Of course, the nurses were busy, so I had to leave a voicemail, and then worry that they'd be calling me back during class. Do I take the call, and try to have a private conversation in the hallway, or do I let it go to voicemail and continue the phone tag? I missed one call and so was forced to continue the fun fun game of tag, but I did catch one from the nurse at the site of the surgery. When I went back in to my classroom, one of the kids goes "are you dying?" Very sensitive. I teach high school, by the way, and this was my class of seniors. Nice, right?

surprise!

The past couple of days, my boobs have been sore and I've had some minor cramping. All things that I get in the week prior to my period. I was expecting my period to show up on Friday, but it came this morning. I was all "oh!" Which means I can call and set up my surgery, and it definitely will not land on a day my husband is out of town. When we were first looking at the calendar and saw that if my period came on time, there was a possibility of the surgery landing on the 21st, when D is out of town for training, I asked my two best girls if they would be able to take off work to take me to and from the surgery. Being the awesome women they are, they both said "absolutely."

treats

Every time D or I have to go to the doctor for a "fun" exam/procedure, we get a treat, usually ice cream. D is going in for his SA at the RE's on Thursday, and season 5 of The Office comes out on Tuesday; I'm thinking that would make an excellent treat. Although that means that when I go in for my hysteroscopy, I better get something REALLY good. But if we have that season, it will give us something to lay around and watch while I recuperate (not that we don't already own a crap ton of DVDs or have an additional crap ton of movies queued up on Netflix).

support

It still amazes me how much support can be gained from the internet. I'm fairly new to blogging about our fertility journey, even though it's been going on for more than a year. I don't know anyone else (in real life) who has had any trouble getting pregnant, so it helps just to read about others dealing with issues like my husband and I are. It helps me to not feel so alone, and since I often tell my husband about what I read, I hope it helps him too.

good news?

I was telling a couple friends about the doctor visit yesterday, and the need for surgery, etc. And one of them said "that is excellent news!" Really? Needing surgery on my uterus is excellent news? I mean, I totally get that it is at least something fixable, but there's still a risk involved. It's my uterus, for godsake; I kind of need it to be in good working condition. "Excellent" news would have been "that growth in your uterus disappeared on its own" or "your husband's motility is now 90%" not "it's a fibroid, and it's huge, so you definitely need surgery, and if those cysts don't go away, you will need more serious surgery."

Sure it's a step toward our goal of pregnancy, but it still kind of sucks.

It's a Fibroid!

I had the sonohysterogram this morning. Much easier than the hysterosalpingogram in February. The doctor today said that the amount of saline used is much less than the amount of dye used with the HSG, and that's usually what causes the discomfort. They only need the saline to open up the uterus a bit, and the dye needs to travel all the way through the fallopian tubes.

Anyway, I was wanded again with the ultrasound wand, and she checked out my ovaries. She thinks my cysts are smaller, but she wanted to compare the pictures to my previous pictures from a month ago. And the growth in my uterus is most likely a fibroid, and it's big and round. It currently takes up more than half of the space in my uterus. The doctor said that its picture belongs in a textbook. Well, that's something, right?

So once my period comes, I will call and set up a hysteroscopy/laparoscopy. It will be decided which one the morning of the procedure. If my ovarian cysts are smaller or gone altogether, then a hysteroscopy will be enough to remove the fibroid. If the cysts are the same size, then a laparoscopy will be done to remove both the cysts and the fibroid.

The doctor told us not to think of this as a wasted month, waiting to see what the cysts would do, because they wouldn't be able to proceed with any kind of treatment until they are gone anyway. Fertility drugs and ovarian cysts do not mix!

It's kind of scary knowing that I will have a type of surgery in about a month. The only surgery I've ever had was having teeth removed (two wisdom and four others before braces), so at least I have experienced anesthesia. But it's a surgery involving my uterus. I kind of need it to be done well since I definitely want to have kids. One of the risks with the kind of fibroid removal they will be doing is Cesarean delivery. As long as the baby has room to grow in my uterus, I don't really care how they get it out.

This Time I'm Pissed

Last night my odd friend (the one who SEVEN DAYS AGO said she wasn't sure she even wanted kids anymore) told me she just found out she is pregnant. She found out on her birthday weekend. How nice for her. She and her husband told us this in the parking lot as we were leaving a rather fun karaoke party. So my night ended with me crying my eyes out on the drive home, and then for another half hour once we were home. My husband was awesome as usual, holding me until I was done, telling me that we would be next.

The other couple told us that as well. "We're pregnant; this means your next." Really? Does it? Or will it be three (or more) others that I know just started trying? And then she said that she thinks sitting in the same room with her pregnant co-worker for 40 hours a week is what did it. Really? 40 hours a week for SEVEN MONTHS with a pregnant woman is what will do the trick, huh? And then her husband said the comment that made me walk away towards our car because I knew I was going to lose it because of me being pissed and sad at the same time. He said, "They better warn the last girl in the office about the water. hahaha!" Fucker. That's a fantastic thing to say to an infertile couple, a couple that he KNOWS is infertile. I think my husband and I would drinks gallons of that water a day if it actually worked.

More Waiting

Well, apparently the RE's office only schedules semen analyses for certain times of the day. So we have to wait for D's until September 10th. That seems like forever away. They said about a week and a half after his test, we can have our "plan of attack" meeting. So a little over a month from now, I will know what our chances are, and if they recommend IVF or IUI.

bad timing

Since my period finally started, I called the doctor this morning to set up my bloodwork and my sonohysterogram. Bloodwork for tomorrow morning, so I will be a little late for work. No problem. Sonohysterograms are only performed on Fridays and Mondays, so I am scheduled for 8am on Monday. The problem is that I am a teacher, and I am also scheduled for out of the classroom training on Tuesday, and also scheduled for out of the classroom curriculum writing on Wednesday. So now I will be out of the classroom three days in a row. This sucks. And of course, I will probably have three different substitutes. Fantastic.

One More Thing

D and I have been watching the British show Coupling lately. We got to the end of season 3, and one of the girls ends up pregnant. Earlier in the episode, they mention that she and her guy went to get tests done, and there is something wrong with her, and "it would be a miracle" for her to get pregnant. Because of my light fertility interest, I immediately wanted to know what her condition was: blocked tube? PCOS? Endometriosis? no eggs? polyps?

No specifics were ever given. She is told she can't, and then magically, less than a month later, she can. If only that was an option in real life.

Odd Friend

So I have this friend (who is really the wife of one of my husband's best friends), and she and I had a bonding moment in February when we discovered that we were all struggling to get pregnant. I am only a couple years older than she is, and I had already gotten the preliminary blood tests done and had an HSG, and D had had his semen analysis. This friend claimed that she and her husband had been TTC for 18 months, but hadn't had any tests done.

Last night, a few girls (including this friend) and I were hanging out. This friend knows all about mine and D's first fertility specialist appointment. Her advice last night was that we should go see a Reproductive Endocrinologist. I was all "um, yeah, that's what a fertility specialist is. I just say 'specialist' because my non-infertile friends understand what that means." Then she kept going on about how frustrating it is to not get pregnant when you want to (I totally agree there!). Then she was telling me that she thought her husband should go to a urologist. I asked if he had had an abnormal semen analyis then. She said he still hasn't had one. I told her they could save some money and just get the semen analysis done for like $30, and then only go to the urologist if there is a problem. I then asked if she had had any tests done yet, and the answer is still no. My question is if you are really frustrated with not getting pregnant in the two years they supposedly have been trying, wouldn't you want to know what the hell the reason is?

I must have given her a look, because then she said that she wasn't completely sure that she wants kids anymore. WTF?? She said she has a co-worker who is 31 weeks pregnant, and she is very uncomfortable right now, and now this friend is wondering if she wants to actually go through all that. Really? You didn't know that pregnancy, growing a human being inside your body, would be uncomfortable towards the end? I personally think it is worth it once you have your baby in your arms.

I am starting to think she just says things to fit in, and either hasn't REALLY been TTC, or maybe she and her husband were talking about it but hadn't made a decision yet, but she wants to know what's going on with me and D, so she pretends she is in the same position.

No one wants to be infertile, so it's odd to me for someone to PRETEND to be infertile.

Finally!!

My period started this morning. I've never been so excited to see it arrive, but it means I can get started on the next part of our process.

Caught Up

I just copied over most of my posts from my former (crappy) blog. Enjoy. :)

Yesterday, one of my coworkers brought her new baby (along with her toddler and 6 year old), and I got to hold him for a while and I got to give him a bottle and burp him. It was fun. And I also got to experience what it would be like to have a baby and a toddler (I wish!) because the toddler wanted to play with me while I was holding the baby. For an hour, it was doable. For longer than that, I'd probably have to put the baby in his crib to sleep.

Of course, I realize that once I have my own baby, I won't hold him or her constantly, but when a baby is put in front of me, I am not going to put it down until I absolutely have to...you know, like to do some work.

Waiting

After three weeks, and three home pregnancy tests that were all negative, I gave up on my period coming naturally. I called the doctor yesterday and got a prescription to make my period come.
When I picked up the prescription, the lady at the counter asked if I had any questions. I did because I had forgotten to ask my doctor how soon my period would come after taking the 10 doses of medroxyprogesterone. She went to get the pharmacist, who said "what was the questions?" So I repeated it, and he said it should come within a day or two of the last dose. He left, and then the lady says, "weird that someone WANTS their period to come." So I responded with "well, it kind of needs to come if we are going to proceed with what comes next in trying for a baby." She responded with, "you're trying to get pregnant?" "yes." Even though I really wanted to say "what do you think 'trying for a baby' means?" And I also really wanted to say, "well, it's not exactly good formy body to NEVER have a period. And although I do enjoy the convenience of not having it, it's kind of necessary." But I didn't think she would understand.

Our first fertility specialist appointment

Well, we had our first appointment. Mostly just going over our records, but D got blood drawn to test for STD's. Apparently, they do this standard before doing a semen analysis so that they know if they need to take extra precautions with the sample. Once those results are in, D will have another semen analysis done. The fertility center's lab looks for other things that the general lab doesn't, so the doctor said the results might be better than what he got before.As for me, I got my first vaginal ultrasound. Not too bad except for the one ovary hiding behind my uterus, so I got the wand jammed into me a bit. There was a blob in my uterus, and my first thought was "holy shit, am I actually pregnant?" But then the doctor said it was probably a polyp, but she wants me to take a pregnancy test tomorrow just in case. Then she measured my ovaries because they were freaking huge. She said they were probably hyperstimulated from the last round of Clomid. So once my period starts, I have to call to get day 3 bloodwork drawn and set up a sonohysterogram to check on the polyp. If it is a polyp, then surgery will be required to remove it.
After all those things are done, then we will discuss the best approach for getting us pregnant.

Backstory

I was first married right out of college (11 days before my 22nd birthday). Because we were young, we decided to wait five years before trying to get pregnant. When the five years were up, he wasn't ready, so we decided to wait one more year. Throughout our marriage, I was always planning around and referring to our future children. Examples: When he was shopping for a car, he wanted to get a two-door. I told him that once we have kids, that would be a huge pain, so he got the four-door. When we first moved in to our house, we spent time trying to decide which of the bedrooms should be his music studio and which should be the future kids' room (the one closest to our bedroom, or the one closest to the bathroom). We had names picked out.When the "waiting for him to get ready" year was over, he told me he wasn't sure he wanted kids at all anymore. I told him he needed to figure it out. A month or so later, we saw a cute baby dressed up as a pea pod for Halloween. He decided he could handle it, so we set a date to start trying. As it approached, he started becoming more and more distant. I had bought a book called "Do I Want to Be a Mom?" that helped solidify my desire to have kids. He read it too, and all it did was reinforce how much kids change your life. He told me that he didn't want to have to make room for a child. I didn't want to have to give up the life that was promised to me and that I still wanted. We talked about various "compromises," such as we have a baby, but I am the one mainly responsible for it, but ultimately decided that that would not be fair to the child.In the end, we divorced fairly amicably, sold our house (neither of us could afford it on our own), and moved to separate apartments. I was 29.

After my divorce, I dated a couple guys who were totally wrong for me. Then I met D. And he was perfect. We dated for a little over a year before he proposed, then had our wedding about 10 months later. He knew the reason for my divorce, and when we first talked about when to start trying for a baby, I suggested the fall because the baby would be due at the beginning of the school year (I'm a teacher) when I had gotten a pay raise for earning my master's degree. D suggested we get started in July so that the baby would be due in the spring and I could have four months with it (eight weeks maternity leave, then the summer off) before going back to school. I was so excited to be with a guy who wanted to start trying for a baby SOONER than I wanted to, instead of postponing. :)We had stopped preventing pregnancy about a year before our wedding, but still trying a little to avoid our most fertile times, although the closer to the wedding we got, the less careful we were.After the wedding, we started aiming for the "correct" days, but no luck. Throughout the school year, more and more of my friends got pregnant, and I was hoping the next one would be me. In January, I made an appointment with my gyno to get tested because I was 33, and wanted to make sure everything was OK. All the blood tests that she ran came back normal, so we scheduled a hysterosalpingogram (HSG). This showed that my tubes are, in fact, open. The test is painful for some people, but for me, it was mostly just uncomfortable. When the dye was first injected it hurt pretty bad, but as soon as I remembered to breathe, the pain went away. Since everything looked good, the doctor prescribed Clomid at 50mg just to make sure my body was producing the best eggs possible. D was tested shortly after, and the doctor told me everything was normal except his motility was "a little low." But she didn't sound worried about it, so we didn't worry either. The next month we tried Clomid at 100mg, and again the next month. That month my period was late, and we thought we had finally hit the jackpot. But the home test was negative, so I went in for a blood test...also negative. A week later, still no period, so they ran another blood test...still negative. So they prescribed Prometrium to bring on my period. It finally came, three and a half weeks late. Then they bumped me up to Clomid at 150mg. At the pelvic exam to make sure I was responding well to the Clomid, the nurse practitioner again mentioned D's motility being "a little low." So I asked exactly how low is a little low, and she said "well, the normal range starts at 69%, and his was 5%." I said "that's not a LITTLE low." And then I was pissed that I had taken fertility drugs for four months at ever increasing dosages, when the problem probably isn't with my body. So we had D tested again, and this time everything was normal except the motility was 2%.That was when we decided that I wouldn't take Clomid again to give my body a break, and we made an appointment with a fertility specialist, and shortly after making the call, I turned 34. D is about to turn 32. The appointment is in two days. I'm worried that they will tell us that IVF is our only option for getting pregnant. I'm hoping that they can either find some reason for the low motility and fix it, or tell us that an IUI had a good chance of being successful.Well, that is the short version of what we have been dealing with in the past year. I didn't get into the emotional stuff at all; that might come later.

First post

I started a blog a while ago to vent some of my frustrations, but that blog was VERY cluttered with things trying to be facebook or something. So now I am here. I will repost my other entries in a day or two.