new goals

When I assumed that I would have kids, many years ago, I had certain goals.  My parents lived sort of in the middle of nowhere, and while it was fun to be able to ride my bike around with little to no traffic, I never really got to hang out with any school friends, not until high school anyway.  So I used to want to live in a suburban area so that my kids could be in closer proximity to their friends.  I still had a fondness for the middle of nowhere lifestyle, but wanted something different for my kids.

Now that I won't be having kids, I really want to live in an area similar to my parents.  I want trees and a big porch and a huge property.  D wants to have enough space to have a shooting range and to be able to ride four wheelers around, and maybe horses too.  We wanted to retire somewhere more remote anyway, and my thought is that we could buy some property fairly close by sometime in the next decade and just commute to our jobs from the place where we will retire.  Maybe just buy land and build a house later.  And since we have no daycare costs, I think this plan is actually possible.  And that makes me very excited!

Almost back to school

Kids come back on Wednesday, so I've been doing the normal back to school in-service meetings and such at school.  I was taking care of something in the office with one of the secretaries, and another one shouts out "your son is adorable!"  I look around, wondering who just walked in, and realize she is looking at me.  I said "I don't have any kids."  She looks at me like I am crazy and said "no, you brought him in this morning."  I say again "I don't have any kids, so that wasn't me."  She still looks at me like I have lost it, so I say "who are you thinking of?"  And she replies with the name of a teacher that I often get confused with, even though we don't really look anything alike.  So I laughed it off and said "we get that a lot."  And as I was leaving the office, she called after me (laughing) "your son is cute!"

If this had happened a few years ago, I probably would have started crying and told her (and anyone within earshot) that I can't have kids.  And everyone would have felt horrible.  Yay for progress!

friend group

A little background: my husband has had two best friends since middle school.  Both of those guys were best men in our wedding.  Lately, the two of them have been spending a lot of time together, and my husband gets left out fairly often.

Yesterday, both of their wives announced pregnancies; both due within a couple weeks of each other.  So they will be "pregnancy buddies!"  I mostly just feel bad for my husband.  The two dudes who will have babies around the same time will now have even less in common with my husband (one has a three year old already).  We already only see them about twice a year; I think this will only decrease now.

It just makes me sad how people exclude us because we don't have kids.  Like we don't already feel isolated enough.  I get tired of chasing them and trying to set up a time to hang out.  Eventually, I will give up.

Exercise

I love my BOSU balance trainer.  The workouts are tough, I get super sweaty, and it's really fun.

But the main reason I love it so much is that it seems to have fixed my foot issues.  About two years ago, I was having some major pain in my heels when I woke up in the morning and when I moved from a seated position to walk anywhere (at work or at home).  I went to the doctor afraid that I had a tear in my Achilles tendon.  I did not, just some inflammation, and going from a relaxed position to stretching the tendon when I moved was what was causing the pain.  I was prescribed more frequent stretching, especially right before bed, and I was to take an Aleve every night to help with the inflammation.  This helped, but I still had minor pain when I woke up.  I could at least walk and not shuffle to the bathroom, but it was still noticeable.

A few months ago, I splurged on the BOSU to add some variety to my workouts, and with the first workout, I thought I had wasted my money because my feet hurt so much during the workout: the balls of my feet, my arches, everything.  But I tried another workout a few days later, and my feet hurt less during it, and eventually not at all.  And then I realized that my feet didn't hurt AT ALL when I woke up in the morning.  I think with the strength I have built in the muscles in my feet (that I didn't realize needed strengthening) that any stress I was putting on other muscles and tendons has been relieved.

So when the ball developed a small tear near the base that I couldn't fix, I splurged again and bought another.  Now that the pain is gone, and I know the BOSU helped, there's no way I was going to go without.  And we will be going to San Francisco in a couple weeks, and I can't wait to be able to actually walk around a lot without having to suck it up and deal with pain during it.  So I have a few BOSU workouts scheduled for myself in the next couple of weeks to make sure of that.

My Lacey Cat

May 25, 1998 - April 11, 2013

Lacey was diagnosed with acute kidney failure on Tuesday.  We decided not to put her through a bunch of treatment at her age.  So I've been cuddling her like crazy, and we are about to go to the vet's to put her to sleep.  She's been my little rock during lots of hard times, and I am going to miss her.

It's been a while

Time has flown by.  The school year is 3/4 of the way done; our summer "we don't have kids" trip is planned (just need to actually book it).  This year is San Francisco, and we have a lot of things we want to do, so it's looking to be a full five days of activity.  The only things we haven't looked into yet are restaurants.

I'm doing really well with the no kids things...even back to where I used to be that I can think a kid is cute and want to play with him or her.  I still have some dark days where I feel left out, but those are very few now.  I have a friend who is currently pregnant, and I'm so excited for her.  So far, there hasn't been any awkwardness and she hadn't stopped sharing details with me.  That has happened in the past, and I'm still not sure how it could have been avoided.

I'm starting to come out of my hermit hibernation.  Someone said something in a post recently about expecting bad comments from people.  I think that's what I was doing, and I thought that if I stayed home, I could avoid them.  While this is true, I was also avoiding a lot of fun activities.  So one of my new years' resolutions was to socialize more.  I'm still VERY content to stay home, but I'm forcing myself to go out.  And it's been pretty good so far.  I've come a long way so that I don't expect there to be awkward moments anymore, and there really haven't been any.  Of course, I've grown a thicker skin since then, so that may be part of it.  And I still avoid the people who I found to be not quite so supportive during my time of need, even though I realize now that I share some of the blame for not asking for what I needed.

I feel like I am making progress; I just hope that other people can see it too.

trust falls

We had an outside-of-the-norm teacher in-service today: we went on a 6 hour retreat, and did all sorts of team-building exercises, including trust falls.  It was a great day, and I am proud of myself for being a team player and participating in all the group activities.

One moment stands out that had nothing to do with the planned activities.  I was joking with a co-worker at the beginning of the day, saying I hoped we weren't going to have to do some stupid ice-breaker where we tell something "interesting" about ourselves.  He made some joke about what he would say (something fairly personal that would be sort of awkward for others to know), so I said that I would say "my husband and I are infertile."  He was super shocked that I said that, and was all "Oh my god!!!"  Even though he already knows this fact.  It just seems so crazy how awkward that word makes people feel. 

"annual" exam

After making excuses and putting it off, I finally made an appointment for my annual gyno exam!  I'm quite proud of myself.  The last time I was probed in any way was our IVF in February 2010.  The following summer should have been the time for my annual, but I decided I had been probed recently enough that I didn't need to schedule it.  Then the school year started, so I put it off again, thinking how hard it is to schedule an appointment for the late afternoon so that I don't have to miss any classes.  Then the next summer was spent writing new curriculum, so I avoided making the appointment again.  And then this school year started, so I fell back on the same "difficult to make an appointment" excuse...even though I didn't try, so I didn't REALLY know if that was true for the doctor I had chosen.  And now I am in the final week of the school year, so I took a break from grading and set up the appointment for over the summer when I have very few scheduling conflicts. 

The doctor I chose is a man that one of my friends recommended almost three years ago.  We had just started going to the fertility clinic, so I was not in need of a regular gyno yet, but his office is only a mile from my house, so his name has been in my head since then.  I was also leaning toward going to a male doctor this time because then I never have to deal with my gynecologist being pregnant.  I used to be reluctant to have a male gynecologist (didn't have a good experience at my very first exam, and that was with a man), but after all the infertility treatments, I know I can handle pretty much anyone poking around down there...as long as they know what they are doing. 

And I'm looking forward to asking what they hell is going on that I now have PMS twice a cycle.  I'm going to ask if I need to have my hormone levels checked or something.  It's not for another three weeks, but the appointment is made, and I won't cancel.

"It's OK if a Crazy Person Hates You"

Someone posted this from an article the other day.  These words are so true.  I've learned over the years that when someone decides they hate me for no apparent reason, I just let it go.  There's no arguing logically with a crazy person.  I've tried, and it never helps the situation.  The best bet is to let it blow over, and if it doesn't, did I really want them in my life?  And did I really want the people they influence to join them in hating me in my life?  Probably not.

I think this is part of my "shrug it off" attitude to most things.  Work-related politics, things I can't control, someone who judges me for not having kids....I just shrug it off.

I am pretty happy in my current life, and I've realized that I am very happy when I don't let other people's opinions undermine my own.

Follow Up

one of the friends i mentioned in my last post reached out to me.  in a nutshell, she thought i did not want to hear about her baby; i thought she did not want to tell me.  so i think we have cleared the air and can move forward.  we are in sort of a transition phase right now, but i am hopeful that, if we both put in some effort, that we can maintain our friendship.  so that is good news.  also, i need to learn to speak up when things are bothering me instead of assuming it will be a bother to the other person.  please forgive the non capitalization and lack of alternate punctuation...i am posting from my phone and apparently blogger has limited functions through this device.

Finally Catching Up

I've been busy at home the last few months, so I've been reading blogs, rarely commenting because I have been reading them a week or more after they were first posted and usually feel like everything has already been said (better) than I would have done, and never posting.  Things are slowing down a bit, so here's a list of an update:

1.  I had a student teacher first semester which, if he were any good, should have freed up some time for me.  He was not good, but not so bad that I could fail him.  The challenge came in writing his letter of recommendation, which is a requirement of the cooperating teacher (me).  It was a struggle not to make the whole thing sound completely passive aggressive.  I focused on the positive things that he had done, but by only talking about those, it was pretty obvious that he wasn't good at everything, but I couldn't do anything else since it's not supposed to be an evaluation letter.

2.  Holidays were pretty good.  My parents, brother, sister-in-law and nephew came here, along with my local sister and her husband, and my husband's parents.  So I was busy cooking for most of the day.  Christmas was just us and my sister and her husband, so that was really nice and fun and low-key.  New years' eve was the same.

3.  Then I went back to school, and baked a lot for a fundraiser for a co-worker of my husband.  The co-worker is fighting his third brain tumor.  I made about 3 dozen of 8 different desserts.  It was exhausting, but totally worth it.  My legs were killing me from standing all day teaching, and then standing most of the evening baking.  The fundraiser raised more than $40,000!

4.  We were planning on going to San Francisco this summer, but now we are going to Las Vegas in May for Punk Rock Bowling with my sister and her husband, and since we are also planning a DC trip in June for my dad's Viet Nam reunion group, San Francisco will most likely be in 2013.  I don't think our funds can handle three fairly big trips, unless we get some huge tax refund this year, which I am not expecting since we had to pay the last two years.

5.  This is the thought/update I've been thinking about for a couple weeks now.  There have been several pregnancy announcements in the last few months, and I think I've handled them pretty well.  Nothing more than an eye roll since all of them occurred within a few months of the couple beginning to attempt pregnancy.  The issue I have is how I've been cut out of the lives of a couple of the newly pregnant women, and the life of one who gave birth in September.  It bothers me that we used to be friends, but once this life-changing even happens for them, they seem to think I can't handle it, so they decide for me.  And that is what bothers me the most, they didn't even give me a chance to be happy for them and still be involved in their lives.  The recent mother and I used to be very close, emailing very frequently, having lunch when our schedules allowed, but since she has ignored almost every question I've asked about the health of the baby (suffered from colic for a while), I stopped asking, and now the emails have all but stopped.  Another that cut me out once she found out she was pregnant used to talk to me about her decision to have kids or not.  She used to be firmly in the no kids ever camp, and recently started thinking maybe she wanted them after all.  So she had to convince her husband, who also was firmly in the no kids camp.  We talked on several occasions about the decision, she asked about our decision not to keep pursuing parenthood, and was a pretty big support during our infertility times.  So my guess is that I am only valuable to her as a sounding board for choosing to have kids or not (since I've been there), and if she had had trouble conceiving, maybe I would have been useful in that situation too.  But clearly, I have nothing to offer now that she is pregnant.

6.  With all of that, I'm really taking stock of my "friends."  It seems that infertility isolated us, and now that we've come out the other side, it continues to do so.  I think a lot of our friends don't know how to handle our decision to "give up" and not pursue adoption or some other means to a baby, so they avoid us.  And then I think do I really want to be friends with these people anyway?  I mean, if they can't even attempt to continue a friendship with us when circumstances in life change, why do I want them in my life?  So now I am down to just a few people who I consider true friends, and wondering how a person goes about finding more?  I've always met my friends through other friends.  How do I meet people who are similar to me otherwise?  I think it just takes time, and I have lots of things to do to keep myself occupied until then.

Really? Two months?

1.  I've been crazy busy.  It's surprising how stressful and busy I still am even though I have a student teacher this semester.  Of course, if he could handle the full workload of a teacher, I would be a lot less stressed.

2.  I really need to make an appointment for my "annual" exam.  It's been a year and a half since our failed IVF, and that's the last time I was probed and prodded.  My original OB/GYN sucked ass, and then I was at the RE's office, so I need a new doctor to go to.  I have one in mind that a friend recommended a long time ago; I just haven't gotten off my ass to make the call.

3.  My period is slightly out of whack.  It seems to be a couple days late (so I start on day 30) for one month, and then start on day 26 for several months, and repeat.  This most recent month was a day 30/early 31 start.  After six months of starting on day 26, day 30 feels very late.  I had all sorts of thoughts running through my mind.  At first, surprisingly, it was "shit, if I'm pregnant, everything sucks; I have to get rid of my girl room; we can't travel as much; etc."  Then a couple days later, with still no sign of a period "maybe this is it; we can make it work even though my mind has completely switched over to being GOOD with not having kids; and now we will fit in with everyone else."  The next night, my period came.  I think the bitch was just fucking with me.  "Oh, you think you are all well-adjusted?  Let's see what kind of a mind-fuck I can cause by being a few days later than expected."

4.  My friend that I threw the shower for had her baby girl.  And things have instantly changed between us.  I knew change was inevitable, but I didn't think it would be so sudden.  As one of her closest friends, D and I were okayed to come over within a couple days of the birth, so we did, but were pretty quickly rushed out of the house.  It's a 45 minute drive to their house from ours, and we were inside for less than 20 minutes.  It just felt kind of shitty, especially knowing that there were other friends (who are currently baby-crazy) that were there for much, much longer.  And now every other day is a post by someone other than the new parents gushing about the baby.  I think I'd be okay if it was the parents doing it, but all the fans make me want to puke.  I think we'd be more accepted to hang out with if we gushed over the baby, but I just can't do that anymore.  I still like babies and think they are adorable, but I've trained my brain to focus on the not-so-cute aspects of it, like the bags under the new parents' eyes, or the posts about not getting any sleep because the baby cried all night.

5.  Future trips are being talked about.  We are going to D.C. again because my dad's Vietnam company's reunion is there this year, and they like the kids to come.  The last one we want to was in Branson, and the guys rode go-carts, and were ramming each other trying to pass.  It was hilarious until my dad got kicked off the track for the day.  His friends were trying to talk him in to getting back in line, but he didn't want to cause any trouble.  I told him that it was teenage boys running the track, so if he took off his hat, they'd never know he was the same guy.  So he got back in line, and rode the go-carts exactly the same way he did to cause his getting kicked off!  Now that he needs a cane to walk around much, I mentioned all the walking that D.C. required, and he said that a bunch of the guys are going to rent scooters.  So I am fully expecting them to drive them exactly the same way they drove the go-carts, and I really need to see that in person.  So saving has begun for that trip.  And since a family function doesn't count as our "no kids summer trip," we are planning something else.  We have a few ideas, but nothing set yet.  It will really depend on money after D.C.

I survived!

I hosted the baby shower with no issues.  I even started my period two hours before the first guests arrived.  I got a tiny bit sad during the gift opening (I refrained from oohing and aahing over every cute baby item, thinking that if I started letting myself gush over how cute things are, that might break down the wall of emotion), and I left the room to go sit with a different group of friends when the conversation turned to exchanging ultrasound and cervix and labor stories.  Even though I actually could have contributed some ultrasound experiences, I really didn't want to talk about infertility struggles.

Later, I asked my husband if he got sad at all (since the shower was co-ed, he was there during the gift opening too), and he said a little during the gifts, thinking "we'll never need that...or that...or that" but then he thought of what we do have, and then he was better.  Aw!

A year ago I would have been a mess even attending a baby shower, so I'm definitely proud of the progress I've made that I could not only attend one, but actually host it.  This isn't to say that the next time I'm invited to a baby shower that I will definitely go, but I'm not a definite no anymore. 

wish me luck

Today is the day that I host a baby shower.  Yikes. 

Although I am PMSing, and cried a little last night because I felt fat because the band shirt my husband bought me at Warped Tour is too small (even though it's because it's the wrong size...stupid women shirt sizes, I just wish it would have fit), I handled shopping in the baby department Thursday evening very well.  Instead of gushing over how cute everything was, I kept thinking "jesus, this stuff is pricey, and you have to buy more like every few months."  So hopefully, that logic continues today.  We'll see what kind of shape I am in at 7:30 after everyone leaves.

second annual no kids summer trip

This year we drove to Ohio to visit Cedar Point and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum.

Sunday we drove 13 hours, Monday we got up bright and early for our one hour early entry into the park since we stayed at a Cedar Point resort (the cheaper off-site one), so that was awesome.  The park is so nice and clean and it has lots of trees so you aren't just baking in the sun all day.  The rides are awesome.  My favorite is Millenium Force.  D's favorite is Top Thrill Dragster.  Tuesday, we did the same thing, but rode everything we missed the first day, and rode our favorites again.  Wednesday, we slept in a little and then drove to Cleveland, had lunch, strolled through the museum, went inside Johnny Cash's tour bus (by far my favorite part of the museum), had dinner and drove back to Sandusky to sleep and pack.  Then on Thursday, we drove 13 hours home, and then Friday, I had to get up early for a work meeting.  So I have sat around doing mostly nothing for the weekend.

Noticeable childfree things: parents at an amusement park with their kids do not look happy most of the time, parents with young children don't get to ride rides together: they have to take turns.  So we definitely saw benefits to our childfree living.

Summertime

School was out on May 24th, but then I had to help write new curriculum (mentally draining) every day until June 22nd.  So now my summer has officially begun.  I kicked it off with a visit from my parents and my nephew for my birthday weekend.  I am now a perfect square (36 for you non-mathy people).  It was a pretty good time.  We grilled out a lot.  I got the game Mad Gab from my sister and her husband, some money from my parents, and a citrus juicer from my husband. 

So far I have made fresh-squeezed lemonade twice.  It is so good I don't think I can ever use a mix to make lemonade again.  I've made mojitos twice as well.  I have made those a lot over the past few years, and I have to admit that mine are the best I've ever tasted.  Every time I get one at a restaurant or bar, I think "mind are better."  The trick that I learned from a Cuban lady is to steep the mint.  The juicer just makes the job of making mojitos so much faster, and I need fewer limes to get the same amount of juice.  Next up, I want to try the recipe that came with the juicer for citrus mint iced tea. 

Tomorrow night I get to see one of my favorite bands, the Get Up Kids.  In a couple weeks, I get to see another awesome band, HelloGoodbye.  Later this month, D and I will be going to Cedar Point and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  We will drive there in one day, go to the park two days, and drive to the hall of fame the third day, and then drive home in one day.  Then I have a meeting the next day for work, and then one more week of freedom before going back for good. 

I love summer.

Also, I'm thinking about another tattoo.  Last summer, after our failed IVF and beginning the new path of childfree living, I spent a bit of time tending to our garden and various plants.  I noticed this wicked stem growing out of our day lilies, but it looked different.  D and I joked that it was a triffid (from Day of the Triffids), but I let it go to see what it became.  It turned out to be an asiatic lily, starts out orange, and then goes pink.  Orange represents happiness, optimism, imagination, and hope.  Pink represents long-lasting love, healing, and romance.  The lily can represent fertility and death.  That seems appropriate.  ;)  I don't know how the plant got into our flower bed, especially since asiatic lilies grow from bulbs.  But I love it.  So anyway, I want the asiatic lily to be my next tattoo.  Maybe, since the flower has "freckles", I will have the artist put our little embryos as two of the freckles.  It depends how big it is though, I guess.  I'm thinking upper quadrant of my back, but I'm still in the "thinking about it" phase. 

showers

My best friend (aside from my sister) is pregnant, due in September.  Because we are so close, I volunteered to throw her a baby shower.  Luckily, she isn't very girly, so it will be a co-ed shower, so no typical "smell the diaper" game, just a cookout where people brings gifts as well as their own booze.  I was doing pretty good, planning the date and time and invitations.  But yesterday, as I looked at the paper invitations for the older crowd who don't do email, it hit me that I will never have someone planning this kind of thing for me.  So I had a good cry last night, got out all of that, and then when my cats came to cuddle with me, and I got to sit in my bed and read into the wee hours of the morning, I was hit again by how good my life is.  It may be different from what I thought it was going to be, but I still love it.  Even if I won't ever get to register for (and have a party to receive) gifts again.  :)

busy busy busy

End of the school year is always crazy, so there's that. 

D and I went to DC last weekend, and packed in a LOT of activities and a TON of walking. 

My sister and her husband moved across the country to our city, and are currently staying with us until they have had a couple paychecks and can find a place to live.

Throw in some mother-in-law drama and you have my last two weeks.

confirmation

I know I've been enjoying life and my job more this school year, but tonight I got confirmation from the students. 

For the past 10-ish years, I've been a judge for the boy beauty pageant at my school (it's a fundraiser for charity).  It's always a good time.  Last year, in the midst of infertility treatments, I know I was probably mostly a shell of my usual self, going through the motions, still bonding with some kids, but definitely not loving my job (or anything else, really).  They introduce the judges individually, and last year (two months after the failed IVF), when they said my name, it was almost complete silence, maybe some polite applause.  I joked with my friend next to me that I must have been a bitch that year since I had no fans.  I think I was right, because this year, when they said my name, there was a lot more shouting and applause, and some of the kids shouting my nickname, so that felt really good.  It told me that I am back on track to being my normal self and my normal teacher self that connects with the kids and that they like.

So yay! 

too loyal?

The dentist I have been going to for 12 years (always went to my six month check-ups) was the one my first husband went to all through high school and into adulthood.  When we moved to this city (where his parents lived), he wanted to keep going to him, so I went to him too.  My now-husband hasn't been to the dentist in YEARS, and I've been trying to get him to go since we got married (didn't want to nag him before that!), but with his work schedule, it would be very hard to go to the dentist I had been going to.  It was about a 40 minute drive to get to the dentist's office from our house or from work, so with the cleaning, etc, plus the drive both ways, we're looking at almost a two-hour time commitment.  So I started doing a little research and chose a new dentist for both of us to go to that is very close to our house.  I had my first appointment with them today, and apparently, my former dentist wasn't quite as thorough as he should have been. 

I've always been very prone to tartar build-up, so my previous dentist told me to use tartar control mouthwash, before and after I brush, twice a day, and I do religiously, and it has reduced the amount of scraping that they had to do at each visit.  And at every visit, the dentist would look over my teeth, and comment on the bone loss, and always say it was due to having braces.  I trusted his judgement.  Well, today, the hygienist was measuring "pockets" of space between my gums and teeth, and apparently, it's quite bad.  So my bone loss is actually periodontal disease, caused by tartar build-up under my gums.  It builds up, creating a space between the gums and the teeth, resulting in bone loss.  The hygienist asked if my gums were sort after a cleaning from them cleaning up under the gums, and sadly, the answer is no, so I've probably never had the proper cleaning my teeth and gums have needed.

So now the fix is to have some ultra-cleaning sessions, and then have a cleaning every three months instead of every six.  The ultra-cleaning sessions will be an hour and a half each, once for each side of my mouth.  It's supposed to be pretty aggressive and I need to be numbed for it.  The hope is that once that is done, my gums will fill in the pockets and the more frequent cleanings will prevent them from forming again.  If they don't, the ultra-cleanings will need to be done every five years or so.

The old dentist wanted to give me a gum graft to fix my slightly receding gumline on my front bottom teeth.  When I mentioned that to the hygienist, she said that receding gums is a symptom of the periodontal disease, and a gum graft is really only for looks.  So nice that my old dentist wanted to treat a symptom and not the underlying cause.  I really wish I had started looking for a new dentist a long time ago, but he was so nice, and I felt bad leaving his practice for no better reason than "it's kind of a far drive."

I'm not looking forward to the ultra cleanings, but I am looking forward to having a dentist that wants to fix the problems and not just cosmetically make things look good.