2010 in Review

I took this "year in review" list of questions from Loribeth at The Road Less Travelled.

1. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?I didn't really make any resolutions last year. I was all about our upcoming IVF. This year, I want to continue working out as frequently as I have been, and I hope that that will help me get a little skinnier. I'd love to be a size 10 again, whatever weight that would require me to be. Mostly just so I can fit into all the cute clothes I see.

2. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
I gave myself injections in preparation for IVF. I emotionally survived a failed IVF.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes. Several friends did.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not super close, but a friend of my parents died. My family used to go camping with her and her husband and two daughters every summer. She came to both of my bridal showers.

5. What countries did you visit?
Nowhere outside of the US.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
I used to answer this type of question with "a baby" but I'm slowly moving past that thought. I can't say I'd like more emotional strength either because I impressed myself with what I do have. So I guess now I'd like to have a higher metabolism. :)

7. What date(s) from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
February 23rd because we got a positive beta after IVF; February 25th when we found out the numbers were decreasing and that we would be living a childless life together. Our anniversary when D gave me the sweetest card that basically said all he ever needs in life is me. It was exactly the sentiment I needed to hear.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Surviving infertility with my marriage and sanity intact.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I was so focused on infertility and treatments and surviving the failure of IVF that I didn't give my best to my students in the first half of 2010. I still went to work and did my job, but I wasn't completely there with them.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Just a few colds here and there, and my achilles tendon is sore in the mornings when I first wake up. The colds are a side effect of working with teenagers and the tendon soreness is a side effect of getting older and less flexible.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Plane tickets to visit my sister and her husband in Phoenix, and then plane tickets for them to come to us for Halloween.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
My husband's. I never would have made it through this year without his support and encouragement to see the positives in a childfree life.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
I can think of several high school students who do stupid things that depress me (pooping in the school's pool would be one of them). But mostly friends who said or did unsupportive things to me and D while we were trying to make the best of things. "What about adoption" ranking as one of the highest and most commonly asked.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Clothes and books. Now that we are not scrounging to save money for IVF, I've taken an interest in clothes again, not like super fashionista or anything, just an interest in looking good. I think I dressed like crap throughout the 2009-2010 school year, and wearing looser clothes contributed to my weight gain. "I have room to fill up!" Now that I am not borderline depressed and eating to comfort myself, I have an interest in looking good in my clothes. And well, books, are my thing. So again, because we aren't trying to save up money for IVF, I have the freedom to buy books when I want to. Now I just need to read all the ones that I haven't yet.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Visiting my sister, her visiting me, and then she and her husband deciding to move here to live closer to me and my husband!

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
Superchunk's "Learn to Surf."

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?
a) happier b) thinner c) richer This question really puts things into perspective, huh? :)

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Traveling. We had some plans to visit Cedar Point, but we got a little spend-crazy, so we couldn't afford it.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Crying and comparing my life to others' and complaining about how unfair life is. It is what it is, the best thing I can do is enjoy what I DO have.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Driving to see my family, and then having Christmas dinner with them, opening presents, and playing with my nephew.

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?
Stayed in love with my husband and discovered new traits of his that I also love, so yes.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Probably How I Met Your Mother. I love Neil Patrick Harris.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you did not hate this time last year?
I like a lot less several people, but I don't really hate them. I don't want to spend any time with them, but I can't really say I hate them. There were several people that got cut out of my life after/during infertility. I think I just realized that they either weren't good for me, or have served their purpose in my life and it was time to move on.

24. What was the best book you read?
I can't pick just one, so I'll say The Hollows series by Kim Harrison. I've spent this year rereading them and they are even better the second time.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I didn't discover any new bands, but I did discover that one of my students has VERY similar taste in music to mine, so we've been sharing/suggesting bands to each other. And I found out that The Get Up Kids are back together and have a new album coming out early 2011, so that is pretty awesome!

26. What did you want and get?
I wanted to work on getting out of debt. I paid off my student loan and have been making progress on my other debt. So I think I will definitely meet my 2 year goal (I have about 15 months left).

27. What did you want and not get?
A baby and a family of more than two with my husband.

28. What was your favourite film of this year?
Has to be the A-Team. I loved it, and Bradley Cooper isn't bad to look at.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 35. We ate for the first time at a cuban restaurant near us with a group of friends and then went cosmic bowling. I wanted a white russian at the bowling alley a la The Dude from The Big Lebowski, but the bar didn't have milk. So one of my friends went to a grocery store and bought me a little carton of milk so that I could have my white russians. And the bowling alley had these machines that dispensed stick-on facial hair, so we all had fun attaching mustaches, goatees, and sideburns.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Again, a baby. But I am in a much better place now than I was six months ago, so I'm actually pretty satisfied with how things have gone, emotionally speaking anyway.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Pulled together, polished, classic. That's what I'm going for, even if I don't achieve it everyday.

32. What kept you sane?
My husband and discovering the community of childfree after infertility women. Knowing there are others out there helped, but actually reading their stories and how they coped/are coping really helped me get where I am now.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Bradley Cooper for the dreamboat aspect, Jason Segel for the hot cute guy thing, and I always love Cameron Diaz. I'm not sure why; she just seems really laidback and seems like she'd be fun to hang out with.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Gay marriage and illegal immigration.

35. Who did you miss?
My parents and my sister and my nephew.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
My friend Tracy who is super fun and is a published author.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.
a)Contrary to what I've always been taught, "try try again" doesn't always work or make you happy. Sometimes the best thing you can do is to stop trying and move on to something else completely.

b)Also the whole "if you set your mind to it, you will achieve it" is another BS sentiment. Sometimes no matter how much you want something and how much "visualization" you do, it just won't happen, and you have to be okay with that.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
From Superchunk's "Learn to Surf": "I stop sinking and learn to surf."

future plans

My husband is a police officer, and he has gone to the police memorial week celebration in Washington DC twice. It's always on the same dates, which are horrible for me since they land in the week before last of the school year. In 2011, however, they land on a weekend. So I am going to take off the Friday, and we are going to fly to DC Thursday afternoon/early evening. D's flight and hotel will be covered since he is on his department's honor guard; the union is going to pay to send all the honor guard members. Which means we only have to pay for my flight and portion of the hotel! I am totally psyched for this trip. I've never been there before, so D and I have been talking about where we want to go and what we want to see.

My dad went there not too long ago, and he was telling me that he was very disappointed in the Arlington National Cemetery. He is a Viet Nam vet, and within the last few years has gotten in touch with his troop, and now they have get-togethers very frequently. One of these was to see the Viet Nam Wall memorial, and naturally, they went to see Arlington. He said it wasn't very well-kept, and it made him sad at the state it was in. I know I will go see it too, and I'm hoping it was just an off-time for it, and that it actually is as impressive as it always looks in photos.

Anyway, DC is our next big-ish trip, and again, I can see the advantage to not having children so that we can go. Otherwise, we'd have to figure out who was going to watch the kid(s), or we'd have to take them with us, and then figure out who got to go out and party at night while the other stayed at the hotel with the kid(s).

I'm really looking forward to being a part of the police officer family. When D was telling me about his most recent trip, I was amazed at the level of family and comraderie (everyone is referred to as a brother or sister) that they all have because of their shared profession. There aren't many occupations that have that, at that level. And now that I am a police officer's spouse, I am in the family too. So I can't wait to be there, and see how it feels to be a part of something like that.

end of semester

It's been a crazy busy, stressful few weeks finishing up the semester. Today was our last day until January 6th, so I get a nice two weeks off. To celebrate, I am treating myself to a hot stone massage tomorrow afternoon. Then D and I will have Christmas Eve lunch with his parents at a Chinese food buffet. Weird, I know. Since we will be driving to my parents' house Saturday morning (to avoid the nephew opening gifts Christmas morning), I thought we'd do Christmas Eve with D's parents. But, again, since we will be leaving the next morning, we didn't want to cook a big dinner and have a bunch of leftovers to sit in the fridge while we were out of town, so we thought we'd go out to dinner with them. D's mom didn't want to go to dinner somewhere, so instead wanted us to meet them for lunch at the China Buffet, that she and D's dad eat at once a week. Totally special. Have I mentioned how bat-shit crazy I think she is?

I'm looking forward to the visit with my parents; it's going to be several days instead of our usual quick three day weekend visits, so that will be nice.

Since today was a half day for the students, I basically just showed them their final exam scores, and their final semester grades, and then we watched Dr. Horrible. It was awesome.

100!

So a few weeks ago, I noticed that I had 99 posts. I kept thinking that I needed to do something special for #100. Of course, by thinking this, I kept procrastinating the "special" post. So I'm just going to post everything that I've thought of in the past few weeks, so this might get a little long.

1) Our Halloween party was a success. Some pictures of our costume (The Dude and Maude Lebowski from the Gutterballs scene) and some of the food:

Apple mouths:
Gelatin eyeballs in blood sauce:

"Finger" cookies (my sister added the 'dirt" and "blood" details):

Our costume (the dress took FORVER to make, but it turned out pretty well):

2) While my sister and her husband were visiting, they told us that they had decided to move here to live closer to us (and our parents who live about 6 hours away)! They will be moving here in March.

3) November 15th would have been our approximate due date if IVF had worked. D said that we needed to do something special just the two of us. I loved that he was the one that suggested it. He even was the one to bring it up in the first place. He told me he had been thinking about it, and it made him sad. The day didn't turn out according to plan (something I've decided must be the theme of my life). D was working on his beloved Jeep the day before, on the leaky gas tank, with a friend of ours. They didn't get finished, so needed to finish on the 15th. While they were working, another friend came over to help. Then his wife called and decided that she and their 7 month old needed to visit. Then D's parents kept sending picture after picture of D's sister's new baby. So instead of us getting to spend time alone mourning what could have been, we were instead inundated with other people's babies. After they left, we cuddled on the couch with the fireplace on, drank hot cider, and watched How I Met Your Mother. So all in all, not a horrible night, just, again, not exactly what we had planned.

4) A student asked me if I had any kids, I said no. Then she asked if I was going to, I said no. Then she asked why not, so I told her we couldn't. That finally shut her up. Then a week later another student asked me WHEN I was going to have kids. This time I just said "that's a really personal question, don't you think?" That at least made her feel awkward too. After class, she told me she asked because she couldn't remember if it was me or another woman she had talked to that had said she didn't want kids ever. I told her if she had led in with that, that would have been a lot better.

5) I went to see the new Harry Potter, and liked it, but still think the book is WAY better. I've seen all the movies with the philosophy of "I'll see it once, but I don't need to own them to watch over and over." This one is a lot darker, and more people die, so it made me cry. And then I saw a little boy running back with some popcorn, and I cried some more knowing that I will never have a child to share Harry Potter with. That made me think about all the other things that I won't get to pass on.

6) My brother sent me a picture of his son cuddling with my dad for an after Thanksgiving nap. It was cute, but made me sad that I won't ever see my dad cuddling with my kid.

7) D and I are going to visit my parents near Christmas. At first I was thinking we could be there ON Christmas, but now I'm thinking maybe we should do Christmas just the two of us (maybe dinner with his parents), and then go to my parents the day after. I just don't know if I'm ready to be happy watching my nephew open gifts from Santa, knowing that I will never watch my child doing that.

8) The last three things make it sound like I am not doing well at all with this whole childless not by choice life. Most days I am totally fine, and can even see some perks to it, I just know that certain images really press my buttons. And I think, for this first year, it's okay to avoid them when I know that they will only make me sad. Now the hard part is explaining to my parents why we won't be there on Christmas when we could.

good music

Superchunk has a new album out! I just saw the video for "Digging for Something" and it's awesome (both the song and the video). I can't wait to hear the rest!

mother in law

My mother in law is a whack job. I won't ever be able to express to you how insane and intrusive she actually is, but here's the latest.

She knows all about our infertility troubles and knows that we are not going to have children. She talks non-stop, and was rambling about the latest movies she has seen. She said she saw "Up" and loved it and thought it was adorable. I piped up with "I thought it was depressing." She goes "why??" In my head "really? you have no idea why I might think that movie is depressing?" In reality, I said "well, the couple couldn't have kids, so they planned to take this awesome trip together instead, and never got to." Her response was "well, at least he got to go, even if it was later in life." I said "but they didn't get to go TOGETHER and that was their whole plan, and it was sad that they didn't get to do that." Her response was "yeah, I guess some of the kids in the audience were sad." What?? I don't know of any CHILD that got how sad that movie was. You'd think an adult who actually knows someone with a similar life (can't have children, plans to take an awesome trip instead...) might see how the movie might be depressing as hell. But she didn't.

So I just shook my head, and bitched about her later to my husband. I love that he is okay with that (well, especially since he thinks she is insensitive and crazy too).

Halloween

My husband and I LOOOOOOOOOOVE Halloween. Today, we bought the fabric to make my costume (top secret* until our Halloween party on the 30th), and a few props, and a few decorations, and a couple Halloween themed serving dishes.

On the menu for the party:

alien autopsy shots
hot apple cider (alcohol can be added by guest)
bright green punch (alcohol can be added by the guest)

witch finger cookies
spiderweb peanut butter rice krispy treats
marshmallow eyeballs in blood (cherry) sauce
"candy corn" trifles (angle food cake, orange colored vanilla pudding, lemon jello)

apples shaped like mouths with almonds for teeth, carmel sauce for dipping
bean dip served in a skull dish
mummy hot dogs (wrapped in crecent roll strips)
pizza topped with jack o lantern pepperonis
some other hearty dip served in a crockpot

*I will post pictures once it has been revealed. I know I still owe pictures for my redone roller derby tank top. I kind of suck at the whole loading pictures on my computer in order to upload them to a post.