infertility wall

So the friends Thanksgiving was very fun. The former friend who cut me out was there, and I successfully avoided her. I caught her looking at me a couple times, but I looked away/walked away each time. Maybe that's immature, but I don't care. I'm sure anyone that was there would tell me to be nice to the pregnant woman. But she had no consideration for being nice to the infertile, so I don't care.

I have another friend there who recently had a miscarriage. I recognized the determination in her face that it takes to be around a pregnant woman or around someone with a small baby (both of which were there). Weird how once you've dealt with infertility, you can sometimes recognize the same emotions in someone else.

Last spring a bunch of teachers and I went to a conference. Of course, the nosiest woman there asked one of the guys who has been married for a while if he and his wife had kids or were going to. He responded with "not yet" and then immediately cast his eyes down. I responded that way so many times in the last year. It made me wonder if he and his wife were dealing with infertility or if I was just projecting.

Anyway, I'm able to handle pregnancy talk and pregnancy announcements much easier this holiday season. IVF looming on the horizon has renewed my hope and optimism.

friends Thanksgiving

So some of my friends are big in the bar scene, and they have arranged a private day at one of their favorites for us to have a friends Thanksgiving. Most of the people that are going to be there know nothing of our infertility struggles; the ones who do know have been pretty supportive.

But then I found out someone else is going to be there too. They all talked her in to going. A few months back, she announced her pregnancy online. I said "congratulations!" just like everyone else did. She then deleted me from her friends list. I was a little thrown by this. She emailed me and basically said "I guess you noticed that I deleted you. I just don't want to feel guilty every time you comment about me being pregnant. Good luck with your life." Now, I can kind of understand her wanting to keep her emotional state in the neutral area and not feel guilty because an infertile dared to be positive about her unplanned pregnancy. But then I think about how this particular online site has FILTERS, so I emailed her back and said something along the lines of "well, you could just make a filter and exclude me from it. By deleting me, you also now cannot read anything that happens in my life." She never responded. Which completely tells me that she was never a very good friend in the first place.

Well, now she is going to be at this Thanksgiving dinner. I was really looking forward to it, thinking I could have a day where I'm not bombarded with infertility reminders. But she will be there, with her pregnant belly, as a huge reminder that some people have it so easy, and will never understand what I am going through, and just don't care to even try.

So my solution is to try to avoid her, and to get mildly drunk.

money

Unless some huge unexpected bill pops up, D and I will have enough money saved (yay for no insurance coverage!) to start the IVF process in January!! When I realized how close that is, I felt extremely excited and extremely freaked the hell out.

D's urologist appt

Well, D went to the urologist suggested by Dr. G. I asked how it went, and D said "I got fondled....and a finger up the butt." So we went for Chinese food for dinner as D's treat (our tradition is to get a treat of the invasive/uncomfortable-procedure-victim's choice). We were going to get TCBY for dessert, but apparently they have now closed.

Anyway...

The urologist said he found a small varicocele which could be causing the problem with motility, but he kept saying D's numbers were good enough to get me pregnant (since his count and morphology are in normal ranges). I'm sure if I wasn't already 34, and we had the option of being patient, it could maybe happen on its own. I mean, there has to be a super swimmer able to get past all the slow ones at some point! But the varicocele surgery, with all the anesthesia that goes with it, would be a good chunk of money. And our insurance won't cover it since it is for sure for fertility this time. The urologist said there was a 50/50 chance of it helping, but D said his tone impled that it would not.

So our choices are:
1) D has the surgery and we use our IVF savings to pay for it. Then if it works, we have a real chance of getting pregnant naturally. If it doesn't, we have no chance and no money for IVF.

2) D does not have the surgery and we continue on our plan to do IVF in early 2010.

So we have chosen option 2. We feel that IVF at least gives us a real fighting chance...even though the odds given to us are the same as the varicocele surgery. Maybe it's not logical, but it feels right to us. And even going in to the urology appointment, D and I had discussed the time frame for a corrective treatment for him, and we had kind of decided that unless the odds of it helping were VERY good, we would probably still pursue IVF.


So that's where we are. Same place we were two weeks ago, but we feel like we are a little more confident that IVF is the route for us...and that there wasn't some magical urology fix for D.

hmmm...

Over a month ago, when D and I found out the doctor recommended IVF, I told a few people. One in particular I asked not to tell anyone else in our friend group because I wasn't sure how many people I was going to tell we were planning on doing IVF (some of them are very religious and have strong opinions about what happens to the embryos we may not need, and I wasn't in the mood for a lecture). Anyway, at the religious couple's house, a few friends got together, and I wasn't there. My friend told two or three other women that D and I were told IVF was our best bet and that we had started saving money. WTF? She told me about it the next day and she felt really bad about it, so I let it go. I figured I probably would have ended up telling them at some point anyway.

BUT...

I have now hung out with those women, and because I wasn't the one who got to tell them, if IVF gets mentioned, it's like it's no big deal because they already knew. I think it's VERY big. It's very expensive and trying and stressful. I now feel like I lost a bit of my support system, and that sucks. I didn't get to share any of the details, or field any of their questions because my other friend did all that. It's MY (and D's) story, and I want to be the one to tell it.

soreness

Since my recuperation from surgery ended, my lower back has been out of whack. I've gone to the chiropractor twice in the last week, but it hasn't improved. And now my hips have become sore. It's hard to get comfortable, and it hurts when I transition from sitting to standing. I think I pulled a muscle in my back, and my hips are sore from over-compensating. I go to the chiropractor again Tuesday, and I will see what he says.

I googled "sore hips" and of course, google, being ever so helpful, suggested "sore hips due to pregnancy." Nice. I'm trying to avoid the whole "is that a sign?" mind game since our chances of getting pregnant on our own are very slim. So google's input is not welcome.

more pregnant people

The other night I found out two co-workers are pregnant. One is married and had been trying for a while. One is a second year teacher, unmarried, and the pregnancy is the result of a one night stand with a total dirtbag that she met at a wedding. So her plan is to give the baby up for adoption. I cannot even imagine the pain of coming to that decision, and how hard it is going to be for her as a teacher. Teenagers are so very blunt, and will definitely ask questions. And she is one of the hot, young teachers, and super thin, so it's not like she can hide it or have people not notice it. From what I was told, she's having a very hard time dealing with it, but she is a firm believer in two parents for a baby, and that's why she's giving it up. Her roommate said that she cries almost every night. Poor thing. I'm jealous that she could get pregnant so easily, but I feel bad for her and her situation.

And why is it that the dirtbags have super potent sperm while my loving husband (who I think is amazing) doesn't?