Sunday, March 27, 2011
spring cleaning
I finally reached my breaking point with the piles in our bedroom. D still has his, but I wanted to fix mine. I filled two trash bags with things to donate, which was the majority of the pile. I'd decide that something didn't fit quite right or whatever and throw it on the donate pile. Problem is that the donate pile was taking over the room. So that is fixed. My other big project this weekend is sewing. I have material to make three dresses for work, two of which I'm going to use a pattern. The third, I love the material, but have a different vision for what the final dress should look like and it doesn't match the patterns I have. So that one I am saving for last, and will see if I can create what I have in my head. I am off to cut material now!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
hope flicker
My period was late this month. It's been pretty regular my entire history of having periods, right on the dot of 28 days or earlier, never late. The only time it's been late was once on clomid, when I had a uterine polyp (three weeks late), and the month after IVF, it came on day 29. In the past year, it's been on day 26 or 27, so this month, day 26 came and went, day 27 came and went, day 28 came and went. By day 28, I started having the split-personality conversation in my head....
sane me: it's coming. I can feel it. should be any day now.
crazy me: what if this is it? we could be pregnant at the same time as our friend who is 3 months now!
sane me: don't be stupid. sure there's a teeny tiny chance that pregnancy could be achieved, but be realistic. it's not happening.
crazy me: but it could!!
sane me: shut it.
Day 29 came, I went to work, got home, got ready to work out, and then my period finally came.
I wasn't sad though, so apparently, in the pie chart that is my brain, "sane me" is definitely more than half.
sane me: it's coming. I can feel it. should be any day now.
crazy me: what if this is it? we could be pregnant at the same time as our friend who is 3 months now!
sane me: don't be stupid. sure there's a teeny tiny chance that pregnancy could be achieved, but be realistic. it's not happening.
crazy me: but it could!!
sane me: shut it.
Day 29 came, I went to work, got home, got ready to work out, and then my period finally came.
I wasn't sad though, so apparently, in the pie chart that is my brain, "sane me" is definitely more than half.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
meaningless cliches
I know these things are meant to comfort or show support (for infertility/wanting to be a parent) but the following phrases really bug me:
1) where there's a will, there's a way
2) if you really want to be a parent, you will find a way to do it
3) you deserve to be a parent, so it will happen
I don't care what kind of willpower you have, sometimes it just won't happen. And just because I don't want to adopt doesn't mean that I didn't "want it enough." And that deserving thing really pisses me off. So I'm not deserving of a baby, but the stupid teenage girls that can't graduate high school in six years are?
1) where there's a will, there's a way
2) if you really want to be a parent, you will find a way to do it
3) you deserve to be a parent, so it will happen
I don't care what kind of willpower you have, sometimes it just won't happen. And just because I don't want to adopt doesn't mean that I didn't "want it enough." And that deserving thing really pisses me off. So I'm not deserving of a baby, but the stupid teenage girls that can't graduate high school in six years are?
Sunday, February 13, 2011
anniversary
We are quickly approaching the anniversary of the results of our one failed IVF cycle. The 15th was embryo transfer day, the 23rd, we got the positive beta, and two days later found out the numbers were falling.
We still have the picture of the two transferred embryos hanging on the fridge. It's time to take it down, but I don't want to throw it away. That picture and the one baby shirt we bought (this totally awesome star wars shirt, it's a layered look shirt, thermal long sleeves, millenium falcon t-shirt) when we first started trying are the only things we have to remind us of what we almost had. Maybe it's my pack rat tendencies, but I have a hard time throwing away things that are meaningful to me. I still have the cards that the elementary kids made me when I student taught for one semester (I was originally certified K-12 for math only, so my school had us student-teach one semester in an elementary setting for a couple hours a day, and one semester at the secondary level all day). I'm never going to see those kids again, but the cards are so sweet, and I can still remember most of them. Obviously, our possible babies mean a lot more to me.
So I'm trying to come up with something to do with the picture and the shirt, something to symbolize that we are moving on, but not throwing/giving them away. I couldn't bear to see someone else's baby wearing OUR babies' shirt. I'm leaning toward keepsake box kind of thing, something that we can put the shirt and picture in, and set it on the mantle. It's still a big part of what we wanted from our lives, but we are both getting to a place where we are okay with not getting it. But because it's still a big part of our lives, I want to keep it. Kind of like storing it away in my heart/head, but symbolically.
What do you think?
We still have the picture of the two transferred embryos hanging on the fridge. It's time to take it down, but I don't want to throw it away. That picture and the one baby shirt we bought (this totally awesome star wars shirt, it's a layered look shirt, thermal long sleeves, millenium falcon t-shirt) when we first started trying are the only things we have to remind us of what we almost had. Maybe it's my pack rat tendencies, but I have a hard time throwing away things that are meaningful to me. I still have the cards that the elementary kids made me when I student taught for one semester (I was originally certified K-12 for math only, so my school had us student-teach one semester in an elementary setting for a couple hours a day, and one semester at the secondary level all day). I'm never going to see those kids again, but the cards are so sweet, and I can still remember most of them. Obviously, our possible babies mean a lot more to me.
So I'm trying to come up with something to do with the picture and the shirt, something to symbolize that we are moving on, but not throwing/giving them away. I couldn't bear to see someone else's baby wearing OUR babies' shirt. I'm leaning toward keepsake box kind of thing, something that we can put the shirt and picture in, and set it on the mantle. It's still a big part of what we wanted from our lives, but we are both getting to a place where we are okay with not getting it. But because it's still a big part of our lives, I want to keep it. Kind of like storing it away in my heart/head, but symbolically.
What do you think?
Thursday, February 3, 2011
real nice, bro
My brother calls my sister and I "sis" and we both hate it. We always joke about calling him "bro" to see what he would do, but he'd probably like it, so we don't.
Anyway, he made this post on Facebook this morning:
We're EXPECTING AGAIN!I know, I know, it's crazy isn't it? I can't believe it myself. I wasn't going to put it on here yet, but decided to make it official. I mean who would have guessed that we are expecting AGAIN!!Yup it's official.. We are expecting freezing TEMPS today and AGAIN tomorrow!! **Re-post if you have any sense of humor*......
I've posted before about what crappy parents he and his wife are (my parents, the nephew's grandparents, have basically taken over raising him), so reading this made my stomach clench up. My husband said it made him "want to puke." My brother and I are not close, at all, but I think it's really shitty of him to joke about having another baby (even if it is a repost) when he knows that D and I cannot have kids, and our sister has been trying for almost two years with no luck.
I'm not sure how to approach this with him, or if I even should. I can't really say "look, you're a shitty, hands-off parent, and as an infertile, I don't think it's funny for you to say you are expecting another baby, when you can't even raise the one you have."
Anyway, he made this post on Facebook this morning:
We're EXPECTING AGAIN!I know, I know, it's crazy isn't it? I can't believe it myself. I wasn't going to put it on here yet, but decided to make it official. I mean who would have guessed that we are expecting AGAIN!!Yup it's official.. We are expecting freezing TEMPS today and AGAIN tomorrow!! **Re-post if you have any sense of humor*......
I've posted before about what crappy parents he and his wife are (my parents, the nephew's grandparents, have basically taken over raising him), so reading this made my stomach clench up. My husband said it made him "want to puke." My brother and I are not close, at all, but I think it's really shitty of him to joke about having another baby (even if it is a repost) when he knows that D and I cannot have kids, and our sister has been trying for almost two years with no luck.
I'm not sure how to approach this with him, or if I even should. I can't really say "look, you're a shitty, hands-off parent, and as an infertile, I don't think it's funny for you to say you are expecting another baby, when you can't even raise the one you have."
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
updated travel plans
Okay, I already posted about our upcoming DC trip. Since then, I have talked to my sister, who still currently lives in Phoenix, and one of our favorite authors (Kim Harrison) is releasing the 9th book of her Hollows series, and so is doing a signing tour. There isn't a stop near me closer than two hours away, and those are on school nights, BUT she is going to be in Tuscon on my sister's birthday weekend.
So D and I are going to fly to Phoenix Thursday night, hang with my sister and her husband on Friday, then sister road trip to Tuscon while the boys hang out on Saturday, we meet Kim Harrison (!!!), then drive back to do something fun for my sister's birthday that night. Fly home sunday evening.
So far on the itinerary is the Heart Attack Grill (D's choice: we ate there last time we visited and it is DELICIOUS), some authentic Mexican food (since we forgot to add this last time), and a "d box" movie experience.
I'm excited for this trip too. And I love that we can afford a somewhat spontaneous trip. And the only reason that we CAN afford it is because we don't have kids. If we had even one kid, all that money would be gone to pay for daycare. So yay!
So D and I are going to fly to Phoenix Thursday night, hang with my sister and her husband on Friday, then sister road trip to Tuscon while the boys hang out on Saturday, we meet Kim Harrison (!!!), then drive back to do something fun for my sister's birthday that night. Fly home sunday evening.
So far on the itinerary is the Heart Attack Grill (D's choice: we ate there last time we visited and it is DELICIOUS), some authentic Mexican food (since we forgot to add this last time), and a "d box" movie experience.
I'm excited for this trip too. And I love that we can afford a somewhat spontaneous trip. And the only reason that we CAN afford it is because we don't have kids. If we had even one kid, all that money would be gone to pay for daycare. So yay!
Friday, December 31, 2010
2010 in Review
I took this "year in review" list of questions from Loribeth at The Road Less Travelled.
1. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?I didn't really make any resolutions last year. I was all about our upcoming IVF. This year, I want to continue working out as frequently as I have been, and I hope that that will help me get a little skinnier. I'd love to be a size 10 again, whatever weight that would require me to be. Mostly just so I can fit into all the cute clothes I see.
2. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
I gave myself injections in preparation for IVF. I emotionally survived a failed IVF.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes. Several friends did.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not super close, but a friend of my parents died. My family used to go camping with her and her husband and two daughters every summer. She came to both of my bridal showers.
5. What countries did you visit?
Nowhere outside of the US.
6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
I used to answer this type of question with "a baby" but I'm slowly moving past that thought. I can't say I'd like more emotional strength either because I impressed myself with what I do have. So I guess now I'd like to have a higher metabolism. :)
7. What date(s) from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
February 23rd because we got a positive beta after IVF; February 25th when we found out the numbers were decreasing and that we would be living a childless life together. Our anniversary when D gave me the sweetest card that basically said all he ever needs in life is me. It was exactly the sentiment I needed to hear.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Surviving infertility with my marriage and sanity intact.
9. What was your biggest failure?
I was so focused on infertility and treatments and surviving the failure of IVF that I didn't give my best to my students in the first half of 2010. I still went to work and did my job, but I wasn't completely there with them.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Just a few colds here and there, and my achilles tendon is sore in the mornings when I first wake up. The colds are a side effect of working with teenagers and the tendon soreness is a side effect of getting older and less flexible.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Plane tickets to visit my sister and her husband in Phoenix, and then plane tickets for them to come to us for Halloween.
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
My husband's. I never would have made it through this year without his support and encouragement to see the positives in a childfree life.
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
I can think of several high school students who do stupid things that depress me (pooping in the school's pool would be one of them). But mostly friends who said or did unsupportive things to me and D while we were trying to make the best of things. "What about adoption" ranking as one of the highest and most commonly asked.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Clothes and books. Now that we are not scrounging to save money for IVF, I've taken an interest in clothes again, not like super fashionista or anything, just an interest in looking good. I think I dressed like crap throughout the 2009-2010 school year, and wearing looser clothes contributed to my weight gain. "I have room to fill up!" Now that I am not borderline depressed and eating to comfort myself, I have an interest in looking good in my clothes. And well, books, are my thing. So again, because we aren't trying to save up money for IVF, I have the freedom to buy books when I want to. Now I just need to read all the ones that I haven't yet.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Visiting my sister, her visiting me, and then she and her husband deciding to move here to live closer to me and my husband!
16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
Superchunk's "Learn to Surf."
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?
a) happier b) thinner c) richer This question really puts things into perspective, huh? :)
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Traveling. We had some plans to visit Cedar Point, but we got a little spend-crazy, so we couldn't afford it.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Crying and comparing my life to others' and complaining about how unfair life is. It is what it is, the best thing I can do is enjoy what I DO have.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
Driving to see my family, and then having Christmas dinner with them, opening presents, and playing with my nephew.
21. Did you fall in love in 2010?
Stayed in love with my husband and discovered new traits of his that I also love, so yes.
22. What was your favorite TV program?
Probably How I Met Your Mother. I love Neil Patrick Harris.
23. Do you hate anyone now that you did not hate this time last year?
I like a lot less several people, but I don't really hate them. I don't want to spend any time with them, but I can't really say I hate them. There were several people that got cut out of my life after/during infertility. I think I just realized that they either weren't good for me, or have served their purpose in my life and it was time to move on.
24. What was the best book you read?
I can't pick just one, so I'll say The Hollows series by Kim Harrison. I've spent this year rereading them and they are even better the second time.
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I didn't discover any new bands, but I did discover that one of my students has VERY similar taste in music to mine, so we've been sharing/suggesting bands to each other. And I found out that The Get Up Kids are back together and have a new album coming out early 2011, so that is pretty awesome!
26. What did you want and get?
I wanted to work on getting out of debt. I paid off my student loan and have been making progress on my other debt. So I think I will definitely meet my 2 year goal (I have about 15 months left).
27. What did you want and not get?
A baby and a family of more than two with my husband.
28. What was your favourite film of this year?
Has to be the A-Team. I loved it, and Bradley Cooper isn't bad to look at.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 35. We ate for the first time at a cuban restaurant near us with a group of friends and then went cosmic bowling. I wanted a white russian at the bowling alley a la The Dude from The Big Lebowski, but the bar didn't have milk. So one of my friends went to a grocery store and bought me a little carton of milk so that I could have my white russians. And the bowling alley had these machines that dispensed stick-on facial hair, so we all had fun attaching mustaches, goatees, and sideburns.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Again, a baby. But I am in a much better place now than I was six months ago, so I'm actually pretty satisfied with how things have gone, emotionally speaking anyway.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Pulled together, polished, classic. That's what I'm going for, even if I don't achieve it everyday.
32. What kept you sane?
My husband and discovering the community of childfree after infertility women. Knowing there are others out there helped, but actually reading their stories and how they coped/are coping really helped me get where I am now.
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Bradley Cooper for the dreamboat aspect, Jason Segel for the hot cute guy thing, and I always love Cameron Diaz. I'm not sure why; she just seems really laidback and seems like she'd be fun to hang out with.
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Gay marriage and illegal immigration.
35. Who did you miss?
My parents and my sister and my nephew.
36. Who was the best new person you met?
My friend Tracy who is super fun and is a published author.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.
a)Contrary to what I've always been taught, "try try again" doesn't always work or make you happy. Sometimes the best thing you can do is to stop trying and move on to something else completely.
b)Also the whole "if you set your mind to it, you will achieve it" is another BS sentiment. Sometimes no matter how much you want something and how much "visualization" you do, it just won't happen, and you have to be okay with that.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
From Superchunk's "Learn to Surf": "I stop sinking and learn to surf."
1. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?I didn't really make any resolutions last year. I was all about our upcoming IVF. This year, I want to continue working out as frequently as I have been, and I hope that that will help me get a little skinnier. I'd love to be a size 10 again, whatever weight that would require me to be. Mostly just so I can fit into all the cute clothes I see.
2. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
I gave myself injections in preparation for IVF. I emotionally survived a failed IVF.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes. Several friends did.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not super close, but a friend of my parents died. My family used to go camping with her and her husband and two daughters every summer. She came to both of my bridal showers.
5. What countries did you visit?
Nowhere outside of the US.
6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
I used to answer this type of question with "a baby" but I'm slowly moving past that thought. I can't say I'd like more emotional strength either because I impressed myself with what I do have. So I guess now I'd like to have a higher metabolism. :)
7. What date(s) from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
February 23rd because we got a positive beta after IVF; February 25th when we found out the numbers were decreasing and that we would be living a childless life together. Our anniversary when D gave me the sweetest card that basically said all he ever needs in life is me. It was exactly the sentiment I needed to hear.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Surviving infertility with my marriage and sanity intact.
9. What was your biggest failure?
I was so focused on infertility and treatments and surviving the failure of IVF that I didn't give my best to my students in the first half of 2010. I still went to work and did my job, but I wasn't completely there with them.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Just a few colds here and there, and my achilles tendon is sore in the mornings when I first wake up. The colds are a side effect of working with teenagers and the tendon soreness is a side effect of getting older and less flexible.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Plane tickets to visit my sister and her husband in Phoenix, and then plane tickets for them to come to us for Halloween.
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
My husband's. I never would have made it through this year without his support and encouragement to see the positives in a childfree life.
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
I can think of several high school students who do stupid things that depress me (pooping in the school's pool would be one of them). But mostly friends who said or did unsupportive things to me and D while we were trying to make the best of things. "What about adoption" ranking as one of the highest and most commonly asked.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Clothes and books. Now that we are not scrounging to save money for IVF, I've taken an interest in clothes again, not like super fashionista or anything, just an interest in looking good. I think I dressed like crap throughout the 2009-2010 school year, and wearing looser clothes contributed to my weight gain. "I have room to fill up!" Now that I am not borderline depressed and eating to comfort myself, I have an interest in looking good in my clothes. And well, books, are my thing. So again, because we aren't trying to save up money for IVF, I have the freedom to buy books when I want to. Now I just need to read all the ones that I haven't yet.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Visiting my sister, her visiting me, and then she and her husband deciding to move here to live closer to me and my husband!
16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
Superchunk's "Learn to Surf."
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?
a) happier b) thinner c) richer This question really puts things into perspective, huh? :)
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Traveling. We had some plans to visit Cedar Point, but we got a little spend-crazy, so we couldn't afford it.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Crying and comparing my life to others' and complaining about how unfair life is. It is what it is, the best thing I can do is enjoy what I DO have.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
Driving to see my family, and then having Christmas dinner with them, opening presents, and playing with my nephew.
21. Did you fall in love in 2010?
Stayed in love with my husband and discovered new traits of his that I also love, so yes.
22. What was your favorite TV program?
Probably How I Met Your Mother. I love Neil Patrick Harris.
23. Do you hate anyone now that you did not hate this time last year?
I like a lot less several people, but I don't really hate them. I don't want to spend any time with them, but I can't really say I hate them. There were several people that got cut out of my life after/during infertility. I think I just realized that they either weren't good for me, or have served their purpose in my life and it was time to move on.
24. What was the best book you read?
I can't pick just one, so I'll say The Hollows series by Kim Harrison. I've spent this year rereading them and they are even better the second time.
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I didn't discover any new bands, but I did discover that one of my students has VERY similar taste in music to mine, so we've been sharing/suggesting bands to each other. And I found out that The Get Up Kids are back together and have a new album coming out early 2011, so that is pretty awesome!
26. What did you want and get?
I wanted to work on getting out of debt. I paid off my student loan and have been making progress on my other debt. So I think I will definitely meet my 2 year goal (I have about 15 months left).
27. What did you want and not get?
A baby and a family of more than two with my husband.
28. What was your favourite film of this year?
Has to be the A-Team. I loved it, and Bradley Cooper isn't bad to look at.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 35. We ate for the first time at a cuban restaurant near us with a group of friends and then went cosmic bowling. I wanted a white russian at the bowling alley a la The Dude from The Big Lebowski, but the bar didn't have milk. So one of my friends went to a grocery store and bought me a little carton of milk so that I could have my white russians. And the bowling alley had these machines that dispensed stick-on facial hair, so we all had fun attaching mustaches, goatees, and sideburns.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Again, a baby. But I am in a much better place now than I was six months ago, so I'm actually pretty satisfied with how things have gone, emotionally speaking anyway.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Pulled together, polished, classic. That's what I'm going for, even if I don't achieve it everyday.
32. What kept you sane?
My husband and discovering the community of childfree after infertility women. Knowing there are others out there helped, but actually reading their stories and how they coped/are coping really helped me get where I am now.
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Bradley Cooper for the dreamboat aspect, Jason Segel for the hot cute guy thing, and I always love Cameron Diaz. I'm not sure why; she just seems really laidback and seems like she'd be fun to hang out with.
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Gay marriage and illegal immigration.
35. Who did you miss?
My parents and my sister and my nephew.
36. Who was the best new person you met?
My friend Tracy who is super fun and is a published author.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.
a)Contrary to what I've always been taught, "try try again" doesn't always work or make you happy. Sometimes the best thing you can do is to stop trying and move on to something else completely.
b)Also the whole "if you set your mind to it, you will achieve it" is another BS sentiment. Sometimes no matter how much you want something and how much "visualization" you do, it just won't happen, and you have to be okay with that.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
From Superchunk's "Learn to Surf": "I stop sinking and learn to surf."
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