damn gossips

There were only a handful of co-workers who knew about mine and D's infertility issues and that we were pursuing IVF. Well, apparently, on our last in-service day, because I was gone for egg retrieval, one of the few told my whole department. So when I got back, there were a lot of "how are you doing?" questions from them, and based on the tone (you fellow infertiles know what I mean), I knew that they knew. Well, with the whole chemical pregnancy thing, and the moving on to a childless life, I figured I better fill them in or I'd be getting more glances at my belly and questions as to my pregnant status. So I emailed them, and told them that IVF didn't work for us, and that we were moving on to a different plan, which included travel each summer.

So I got some nice supportive emails back from some of them. And one woman stopped me in the hallway that afternoon, and said she had a story for me. I assumed it was about a student (since our department often shares stories of that nature), but no, it was a story about some woman that she knows that couldn't get pregnant (although she already has three kids, and had only been trying for 6 months for the most recent one), and she and her husband decided to take a break, and wham, like magic, she got pregnant. I could barely keep a straight face. I just wanted to laugh or roll my eyes because I had JUST told them we were moving on from trying to get pregnant and that we had accepted that we most likely would never have kids. I hope there aren't more of these in store for me.

nevermind

Well, instead of doubling (or even rising), my 15.3 dropped to a 14. So all medication is stopped, and I wait for a period, and go in for another beta on Wednesday to make sure it is going down. So that majorly sucks. I kind of wish it hadn't worked at all, instead of raising our hopes for two days and slamming us back down. We had already decided that we would only do IVF once, because we don't want to pay that kind of money again, and I don't want to go through the roller coaster of emotions again. Once was enough. So now it's on to Plan B, which involves an awesome trip every summer (I am a teacher, so I am off, and D can relatively easily get time off then), and lots of sleeping in. Not an ideal trade-off, but a decent runner-up option.

home test

I took a home pregnancy test today hoping I would have enough of the magic hormone for it to show me those two lines. It didn't. I still only saw one. I have the second blood test today, and now I'm not feeling so confident. As my husband so kindly told me during my meltdown, it could be too early still for the home test to detect anything, which I know is true. So I still have some hope for the results today.

it's positive!

My beta level was 15.3 this morning. It's positive, but I won't feel certain until I see how it rises with the second beta on Thursday. But for now, I'm pregnant! (That is very weird to type that.)

crying

The past few days, EVERYTHING makes me cry or at least tear up before I get control of myself. Is it stress? fear? pregnancy? progesterone side effect? A combination? Who knows.

But I do know that all the support I've gotten from you ladies has been amazing. I truly appreciate (even if it has made me cry when I read the comments!) everything you've done for me.

conflicted

I have not taken a home pregnancy test yet. I am not a big pee on a stick girl. I try to save them for when I have an actual reason to take one (i.e. my period is late), so I haven't taken very many since we started trying. With the progesterone suppositories, there's no "my period is late" kind of thing. My blood test is tomorrow morning, and I am terrified and excited at the same time. I'm excited that it could be good news and terrified that it could be awful news. *fingers crossed*

under pressure

So I got the call from the clinic about our third embryo (the less developed morula), and it didn't make it. So we have no frozen back-up if this fresh transfer doesn't work. I can't believe we went through all of this, and paid all this money, for ONE chance at getting pregnant. I'm still feeling hopeful about our chances, but I'd feel a lot better if we had a safety net. D and I discussed in September that we wanted to at least try everything we could to get pregnant, so IVF was our last ditch effort, and we decided then that we would only do it once (we are paying out of pocket). It's so scary to think that this is IT for us. Either result on Tuesday will change our lives forever. Either we will be expecting or we will be living child-free.

Six days.