I know these things are meant to comfort or show support (for infertility/wanting to be a parent) but the following phrases really bug me:
1) where there's a will, there's a way
2) if you really want to be a parent, you will find a way to do it
3) you deserve to be a parent, so it will happen
I don't care what kind of willpower you have, sometimes it just won't happen. And just because I don't want to adopt doesn't mean that I didn't "want it enough." And that deserving thing really pisses me off. So I'm not deserving of a baby, but the stupid teenage girls that can't graduate high school in six years are?
I've been told all three of those things, also the always lovely "some people just aren't meant to be parents". Even when those messages come from a place of love, I hate them.
ReplyDeleteOh, god, I forgot about the whole "meant to be" thing! I think all those comments are just as well-intentioned as saying "just relax" or "I know someone who adopted, and as soon as they did, they got pregnant." None of them are MEANT to be hurtful and insensitive, but they still are.
ReplyDeleteA lot of people can't bear the thought that if someone deserving wants something, no matter how hard they try it still might not happen. It's a reality check that many people simply can't face. Unfortunately for us, we have no choice in confronting it. I've tried so hard to get some of these people to see that. Occasionally they do, most of the time they don't. Sorry you've been having to put up with them lately! *hugs*
ReplyDeleteHear, hear!! The whole idea that "I deserve it, therefore it will happen" drives me batty. "Deserving" (or not) has absolutely nothing to do with it.
ReplyDeleteEven though they're almost always well-meaning comments, I'm with you - not helpful.
ReplyDeleteI think Womb Warrior brings up an excellent point about people not wanting to face the fact that bad things happen to good people, and that if you just try hard enough you can get everything you want. Life's just not as simple as that, as it turns out. :-s
Yes. Yes, all those comments, though probably very well meaning, are NOT helpful. I would love to give a lecture on what you should and shouldn't say to someone struggling with the loss of a pregnancy or baby and to someone struggling with infertility.
ReplyDeleteProblem is, people don't like to think that any of this scary, icky bad stuff actually happens, so no one would come.
I'm sorry ((((HUGS))))
Those are the least helpful things anyone could say to an infertile. Some people are just so dumb.
ReplyDelete