damn gossips

There were only a handful of co-workers who knew about mine and D's infertility issues and that we were pursuing IVF. Well, apparently, on our last in-service day, because I was gone for egg retrieval, one of the few told my whole department. So when I got back, there were a lot of "how are you doing?" questions from them, and based on the tone (you fellow infertiles know what I mean), I knew that they knew. Well, with the whole chemical pregnancy thing, and the moving on to a childless life, I figured I better fill them in or I'd be getting more glances at my belly and questions as to my pregnant status. So I emailed them, and told them that IVF didn't work for us, and that we were moving on to a different plan, which included travel each summer.

So I got some nice supportive emails back from some of them. And one woman stopped me in the hallway that afternoon, and said she had a story for me. I assumed it was about a student (since our department often shares stories of that nature), but no, it was a story about some woman that she knows that couldn't get pregnant (although she already has three kids, and had only been trying for 6 months for the most recent one), and she and her husband decided to take a break, and wham, like magic, she got pregnant. I could barely keep a straight face. I just wanted to laugh or roll my eyes because I had JUST told them we were moving on from trying to get pregnant and that we had accepted that we most likely would never have kids. I hope there aren't more of these in store for me.

nevermind

Well, instead of doubling (or even rising), my 15.3 dropped to a 14. So all medication is stopped, and I wait for a period, and go in for another beta on Wednesday to make sure it is going down. So that majorly sucks. I kind of wish it hadn't worked at all, instead of raising our hopes for two days and slamming us back down. We had already decided that we would only do IVF once, because we don't want to pay that kind of money again, and I don't want to go through the roller coaster of emotions again. Once was enough. So now it's on to Plan B, which involves an awesome trip every summer (I am a teacher, so I am off, and D can relatively easily get time off then), and lots of sleeping in. Not an ideal trade-off, but a decent runner-up option.

home test

I took a home pregnancy test today hoping I would have enough of the magic hormone for it to show me those two lines. It didn't. I still only saw one. I have the second blood test today, and now I'm not feeling so confident. As my husband so kindly told me during my meltdown, it could be too early still for the home test to detect anything, which I know is true. So I still have some hope for the results today.

it's positive!

My beta level was 15.3 this morning. It's positive, but I won't feel certain until I see how it rises with the second beta on Thursday. But for now, I'm pregnant! (That is very weird to type that.)

crying

The past few days, EVERYTHING makes me cry or at least tear up before I get control of myself. Is it stress? fear? pregnancy? progesterone side effect? A combination? Who knows.

But I do know that all the support I've gotten from you ladies has been amazing. I truly appreciate (even if it has made me cry when I read the comments!) everything you've done for me.

conflicted

I have not taken a home pregnancy test yet. I am not a big pee on a stick girl. I try to save them for when I have an actual reason to take one (i.e. my period is late), so I haven't taken very many since we started trying. With the progesterone suppositories, there's no "my period is late" kind of thing. My blood test is tomorrow morning, and I am terrified and excited at the same time. I'm excited that it could be good news and terrified that it could be awful news. *fingers crossed*

under pressure

So I got the call from the clinic about our third embryo (the less developed morula), and it didn't make it. So we have no frozen back-up if this fresh transfer doesn't work. I can't believe we went through all of this, and paid all this money, for ONE chance at getting pregnant. I'm still feeling hopeful about our chances, but I'd feel a lot better if we had a safety net. D and I discussed in September that we wanted to at least try everything we could to get pregnant, so IVF was our last ditch effort, and we decided then that we would only do it once (we are paying out of pocket). It's so scary to think that this is IT for us. Either result on Tuesday will change our lives forever. Either we will be expecting or we will be living child-free.

Six days.

they are inside me!

So the transfer went "perfectly" according to the doctor. My lining looked amazing, apparently. One of the three embryos had reached blastocyst stage, and the other two were still morulas. They transferred the blastocyst and the morula that looked closest to blastocyst. As for the third, they will continue to culture it, and if by tomorrow, it still hasn't reached blastocyst, they will assume that development has arrested. If it does reach blastocyst, they will freeze it for us.

So now I think strong implantation and continued growth thoughts, and wait (patiently) for the 23rd to get here for my bloodwork. I still haven't decided if I am going to take a home pregnancy test before then or not. I guess I'll have to wait and see how impatient I am as the 23rd gets closer.

3 embryos!

So of the 6 eggs they got yesterday, only 3 were mature. The nurse actually said "that doesn't make sense." But all three mature eggs fertilized. So yay! I was pretty worried yesterday, so now I feel good and positive again. Transfer is set for 9:15 am on Monday.

only 6

The doctor was hoping for at least 8 eggs, but she was only able to get 6. So that's not great. We are only willing to do IVF once, so I'm hoping for 4 to fertilize so that we have a back-up in case the first transfer doesn't work.

I'm not too sore or anything, but they did find fluid in my abdomen (beginning of OHSS, I think), so they removed that and told me to drink Gatorade and eat salty food (yay for potato chips!). And my ovaries bled some, so I have to sleep at a 30 degree angle tonight to avoid the blood seeping up and irritating my diaphragm.

So not great news, but in hindsight, everything WAS going far too smoothly.

last shot

So we did the trigger shot last night. That is my last home-given shot! When I talked to the nurse yesterday, she told me that the progesterone shots are cheaper than the suppositories, and since our insurance covers nothing, she suggested we go with those. The problem with that is that they go in my hip and D would have to give them. Well, he works nights, so it would be difficult to manage that every day. So suppositories it is! Fun, fun.

trigger shot

We have been cleared to go ahead with the trigger shot tonight; egg retrieval scheduled for Wednesday morning. It's amazing how it feels like we had to wait FOREVER to start the IVF process what with saving up for it, and then the ovarian cyst, and now everything seems to be going by a lightspeed. I can't believe it's already time for the trigger shot!

injection club

I feel like I've paid my dues to be in the real club now: I had to give myself my evening injection in a public bathroom, three nights in a row! The clicking of the Follistim pen didn't seem so loud in our bedroom at home.

first check-up since injections started

16 follicles: 12 small to medium sized ones on the right ovary, 3 tiny and 1 huge one on the left ovary. The nurse said they would probably let the huge one over-mature in order to get the other ones caught up in size. When she called later with my hormone levels, she said my estrogen was a little high (857) for it being only day 4.5 of injections. So now there is a risk of me ovulating early. So now my shot regimen is to continue the same dose of Menopur (150) along with a dose of Ganirelix in the mornings, and cut my Follistim in half (now 75). I'm hoping the Ganirelix does its job and acts like a nice glass of wine to calm my ovaries down.

something's happening

So today is day 4 of injections, and I can definitely tell that something is going on with my ovaries. I can't wait to go in to the doctor tomorrow to find out exactly what is going on. It feels pretty much like how I normally feel in the days leading up to ovulation, but more. The more makes it mildly uncomfortable, but not really that bad.

First Shot Done!

So I mixed the fluid and the powder for the Menopur, tapped out the air bubbles, squeezed the plunger until a drop came out (well, two), inserted the needle in my stomach, and sent in the drugs. The needle only hurt a little, and I could feel a very slight burn from the medicine, but other than that, it didn't hurt at all! I thought that for the first one, I'd see how much it hurt, and then decide what kind of pain numbing thing I wanted to try. It's nice to know I probably won't need one. Although, we'll see if the Follistim feels the same way tonight.

I slept like crap last night though from being nervous about the first shot. In one dream the medicine turned into mud in the syringe, so it wouldn't work. Weird.