So this weekend, I have been asked by three different people if Dave and I are pregnant or are thinking about trying. I responded with the truth to all of them "We were trying, but we can't get pregnant. We even tried in vitro and it didn't work. So now we won't be having kids." All of them rolled with it fairly well, and changed the subject pretty quickly. Of course, they all asked or mentioned adoption. With adults, I can answer well enough. When it's one of my students who has been adopted, it's a little trickier. For them, adoption is awesome; they don't understand how difficult and emotionally draining it can be on the other end.
And then one of my friends, who knows all about our struggles the past two years, sent me an email telling me of some success story woman she knows who did 6 IUI's and 1 IVF without success. And then, lo and behold, she tried acupuncture, and got pregnant naturally. So I reminded this friend that we have male factor infertility, so unless the woman getting acupuncture somehow improved her husband's motility, it really doesn't apply. (I said it in a slightly less bitchy tone though!)
And then my ex-husband, who only recently found out about our infertility struggles, emailed me after I made a post on Facebook with a few links for Infertility Awareness Week (I guess I kind of "came out" to everyone with those). He felt bad for basically wasting my best fertile years when he was on the fence about having kids. I told him I didn't blame him; when we split up, I always knew there was a chance that I might not have kids, especially if it took me a while to find the perfect person for me. Luckily, it didn't take long to find D, but the baby thing still didn't work out. And even if my ex had made up his mind earlier in our marriage, I wouldn't have been the same person or the right place to meet D.
I was very proud of myself though. It was actually fairly easy to answer their questions, and I didn't have a meltdown at all!
Vegetable Garden 2010 update: We have sprouts!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
bombarded
Today at lunch, I walked in to the main room where the other teachers eat lunch, and one of the teacher's husband had brought their baby for a visit to mommy. I've been making an effort to eat lunch with them again since my seclusion during IVF, but god damn, I don't want to spend my lunch with a baby who looks so much like his dad that all it does is remind me that I will never have a baby that looks like my husband.
So I held in the sadness until I got home, so now the tears are flowing.
Fuck. I was doing so well too. So much for National Infertility Awareness Week. Apparently, my co-workers don't give a shit, or are too clueless to realize that a lunch spent with a baby or talking about babies constantly (brought on by the presence of the other baby) might not be easy for me. I guess I'm just supposed to avoid them because none of them have enough sensitivity to actually make sure I am included in the conversation. Fuck 'em.
So I held in the sadness until I got home, so now the tears are flowing.
Fuck. I was doing so well too. So much for National Infertility Awareness Week. Apparently, my co-workers don't give a shit, or are too clueless to realize that a lunch spent with a baby or talking about babies constantly (brought on by the presence of the other baby) might not be easy for me. I guess I'm just supposed to avoid them because none of them have enough sensitivity to actually make sure I am included in the conversation. Fuck 'em.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
mojitos and other random thoughts
My husband and I make our own mojitos and they are fantastic. Steeped mint, freshly squeezed limes, etc. My in-laws only seem to remember that we LIKE mojitos, and so every time they see any mojito mixers on sale, they buy it for us. Then they call D like it's this great thing that they've done for us. Sure we do like them, but we like OURS. So now we are getting a fucking bucket of mojito mix that we don't want. Can we donate that to the food pantry? :)
I was thinking about the movie (and book, I suppose) He's Just Not That Into You, and realized that all the helpful comments that are given to women by other women ("I know this one guy who proposed after seven years," etc) are very similar to the helpful comments fertiles give to infertiles ("I know this one couple that couldn't get pregnant, and once they stopped trying...."). It makes me wonder if this kind of thing happens in all circumstances of life.
I recently read the book Silent Sorority, and it is amazing. It is tremendously helpful as we navigate the tricky path of living without children after going through infertility treatments. In one part it mentions how the author was raised to include other people in the conversation, so any conversation that excludes anyone should be limited. And of course, most parents do not do that. It made me think of my co-workers and not-so-close friends. They talk about football or other sports or their kids almost constantly, never taking in to consideration that some of those around them aren't interested or have nothing to add or get out of the conversation. Apparently, it is now more common that if the majority of the group is included, that is enough.
And there is this one "friend" that I have on Facebook. She knows about mine and D's new path in life, and her response to my message to her about it was "I have a friend who also did IVF, and on their last transfer it finally worked! Stay positive." Um, did you even read the message I sent you? We already HAD our last chance and it didn't work. Unless, maybe she has an extra $12,000 that she wants to give us? She is also one who only posts about her kids, or some stupid positive comment like "If you want something bad enough and try hard enough, it will happen." I usually comment back with something like "or if you throw enough money at it." She never comments back.
Update: I just responded to her last message that she sent me where she told me about her friend whose last chance with IVF worked and that I should "keep the faith." I kind of told her that that kind of comment is insensitive and re-explained that I already had my IVF last chance and it didn't work. So telling me to keep the faith is pointless and implies that I didn't think positively enough during the cycle. I feel all sorts of empowered now. I think Silent Sorority had a bigger impact than I thought. I think I won't be as silent and letting thoughtless comments slide by as much now.
I was thinking about the movie (and book, I suppose) He's Just Not That Into You, and realized that all the helpful comments that are given to women by other women ("I know this one guy who proposed after seven years," etc) are very similar to the helpful comments fertiles give to infertiles ("I know this one couple that couldn't get pregnant, and once they stopped trying...."). It makes me wonder if this kind of thing happens in all circumstances of life.
I recently read the book Silent Sorority, and it is amazing. It is tremendously helpful as we navigate the tricky path of living without children after going through infertility treatments. In one part it mentions how the author was raised to include other people in the conversation, so any conversation that excludes anyone should be limited. And of course, most parents do not do that. It made me think of my co-workers and not-so-close friends. They talk about football or other sports or their kids almost constantly, never taking in to consideration that some of those around them aren't interested or have nothing to add or get out of the conversation. Apparently, it is now more common that if the majority of the group is included, that is enough.
And there is this one "friend" that I have on Facebook. She knows about mine and D's new path in life, and her response to my message to her about it was "I have a friend who also did IVF, and on their last transfer it finally worked! Stay positive." Um, did you even read the message I sent you? We already HAD our last chance and it didn't work. Unless, maybe she has an extra $12,000 that she wants to give us? She is also one who only posts about her kids, or some stupid positive comment like "If you want something bad enough and try hard enough, it will happen." I usually comment back with something like "or if you throw enough money at it." She never comments back.
Update: I just responded to her last message that she sent me where she told me about her friend whose last chance with IVF worked and that I should "keep the faith." I kind of told her that that kind of comment is insensitive and re-explained that I already had my IVF last chance and it didn't work. So telling me to keep the faith is pointless and implies that I didn't think positively enough during the cycle. I feel all sorts of empowered now. I think Silent Sorority had a bigger impact than I thought. I think I won't be as silent and letting thoughtless comments slide by as much now.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
getting better
Some things still set me off, but I've been able to manage a lot better. Sort of the way I did during our saving up for IVF time. D's mom is the worst though. D's sister is pregnant (with a prevented, un-wanted baby), so D's mom has been buying baby stuff for her. Every time we see her she tells us the same stories, and lately they've been about the baby's name, and about all the baby stuff she bought, and she likes to get specific. The first time she did this, it had been only about three weeks since we found out our pregnancy wouldn't last and that it meant no kids for us. She is very insensitive to the fact that what she says might cause us pain. At least D understands, and he squeezes my hand a little harder to let me know he knows.
We are adding a second vegetable garden this weekend. We tried gardening last summer for the first time with a raised 4x8 bed. We grew potatoes, sugar snap peas, green beans, lettuce, tomatoes, strawberries, and cucumbers. This year we are going to keep all those things, but add in shelling peas, corn, peppers, and beets.
School is almost out for the summer. I don't know if that will make things worse or easier. I will have more time to myself which might mean more time with my thoughts. I'm sure there will be lots of tears, but I'm hoping it will be a good thing to release it all.
We are adding a second vegetable garden this weekend. We tried gardening last summer for the first time with a raised 4x8 bed. We grew potatoes, sugar snap peas, green beans, lettuce, tomatoes, strawberries, and cucumbers. This year we are going to keep all those things, but add in shelling peas, corn, peppers, and beets.
School is almost out for the summer. I don't know if that will make things worse or easier. I will have more time to myself which might mean more time with my thoughts. I'm sure there will be lots of tears, but I'm hoping it will be a good thing to release it all.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
barely holding on
It's to the point in the school year where some of the kids are annoying the crap out of me. Most of these students have been at least mildly annoying all year, but now I've reached my patience threshold. Of course, it could be all the pent up frustration, anger, and sadness that is making me snap more frequently at them.
For the most part, I am doing pretty well: making plans for our summer trips, getting ready for gardening, etc. But this week has been rough. This weekend, D and I are going to visit my parents, and it will be the first time seeing them since we found out our pregnancy wasn't going to last, and that this meant most likely a life without children. When I was talking to my parents the other night, my mom was talking about my brother's son (frequent topic since my mom watches him every weekday), and how my dad was rocking him for his nap. I started crying because I realized I will never see my dad rock MY baby. So this visit is one more thing that I need to do in order to face the things I won't ever have. It seems that once I face the thing I thought would happen for us, it is easier the next time. Like going to a hockey game and seeing the parents experiencing it with their kids. D and I always talked about taking our kids to games. Once I saw it the first time, and let myself cry about it, the next game was a lot easier to enjoy. So seeing my parents be grandparents and knowing that won't happen with me will be sad, but it's something I have to face in order to move on.
For the most part, I am doing pretty well: making plans for our summer trips, getting ready for gardening, etc. But this week has been rough. This weekend, D and I are going to visit my parents, and it will be the first time seeing them since we found out our pregnancy wasn't going to last, and that this meant most likely a life without children. When I was talking to my parents the other night, my mom was talking about my brother's son (frequent topic since my mom watches him every weekday), and how my dad was rocking him for his nap. I started crying because I realized I will never see my dad rock MY baby. So this visit is one more thing that I need to do in order to face the things I won't ever have. It seems that once I face the thing I thought would happen for us, it is easier the next time. Like going to a hockey game and seeing the parents experiencing it with their kids. D and I always talked about taking our kids to games. Once I saw it the first time, and let myself cry about it, the next game was a lot easier to enjoy. So seeing my parents be grandparents and knowing that won't happen with me will be sad, but it's something I have to face in order to move on.
Friday, March 19, 2010
It's been a while
I haven't posted anything for a while, because really, nothing is happening. I am still dealing with our turn of events: still excited for traveling and creating my "woman cave" in what was supposed to be the baby's room, but also sad when I see babies, knowing that won't ever be me carrying one.
I had parent-teacher conferences this week, and they sucked as always. The conversations with the parents went fine, but they are so emotionally draining. I was exhausted after having two of those nights in a row, so I went to bed before 10, woke up this morning around 8 feeling awesome. So I worked out, and now I'm getting ready to go shopping and to get a massage this afternoon (no work today).
My goal is to lose some weight for two reasons. All those BFN diets have taken their toll, and I weigh the most I ever have right now. Secondly, my weight is something I feel I have control over, and I feel the need to do something and to actually see results from my efforts. Since TTC didn't do that for me. So far I've lost two pounds in the last two weeks. I'm okay with that rate since it will be easier to keep it off if I lose it slowly. My overall goal is to lose about 20 pounds. I'd love to see the 150's again. That's probably the weight when I felt I looked my best....not way-too-skinny like I was in high school (late bloomer), and not slightly overweight like I am now. A nice happy medium.
I had parent-teacher conferences this week, and they sucked as always. The conversations with the parents went fine, but they are so emotionally draining. I was exhausted after having two of those nights in a row, so I went to bed before 10, woke up this morning around 8 feeling awesome. So I worked out, and now I'm getting ready to go shopping and to get a massage this afternoon (no work today).
My goal is to lose some weight for two reasons. All those BFN diets have taken their toll, and I weigh the most I ever have right now. Secondly, my weight is something I feel I have control over, and I feel the need to do something and to actually see results from my efforts. Since TTC didn't do that for me. So far I've lost two pounds in the last two weeks. I'm okay with that rate since it will be easier to keep it off if I lose it slowly. My overall goal is to lose about 20 pounds. I'd love to see the 150's again. That's probably the weight when I felt I looked my best....not way-too-skinny like I was in high school (late bloomer), and not slightly overweight like I am now. A nice happy medium.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
progress
I only cried once on Sunday, and not at all yesterday! Of course, last night, D was off work, so that helped a lot. We always have fun together. And it was pretty fun checking out hotels and stuff around Cedar Point. We watched several roller coaster videos, and are completely stoked to go there this summer.
A couple friends have mentioned to me how strong they think I am, how I can keep going to work (especially the day after I found out the pregnancy wasn't going to progress) and keeping myself together. D and I were talking about that last night, and we were both of the opinion that the alternative is to stay home and think about it and cry and be generally miserable, which is a pretty shitty alternative. I love my job, and I love (most of) my students, so why would I choose to miss out on a good aspect of my life to focus on something that sucks, that I have no control over. It doesn't seem like it's strong to me, but I'll still take the compliment. :)
A couple friends have mentioned to me how strong they think I am, how I can keep going to work (especially the day after I found out the pregnancy wasn't going to progress) and keeping myself together. D and I were talking about that last night, and we were both of the opinion that the alternative is to stay home and think about it and cry and be generally miserable, which is a pretty shitty alternative. I love my job, and I love (most of) my students, so why would I choose to miss out on a good aspect of my life to focus on something that sucks, that I have no control over. It doesn't seem like it's strong to me, but I'll still take the compliment. :)
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