trip #1

So D and I just got back a couple days ago from our first post-TTC trip, and it was AWESOME! We chose Phoenix, AZ because my sister and her husband live there. My sister was so excited to have us visit (we haven't had any visits with them that weren't the entire family, and the dynamic is much different with our parents and my brother and his wife and son around) that she played travel agent for us, and basically set up an entire itinerary. When we are on a trip, my husband and I try to only eat at places that we don't have access to where we live, so eating places were a big part of the itinerary.

Day 1: arrive around 6pm, check in at hotel, go to dinner at the Heart Attack Grill (waitresses in nurse outfits, incredibly delicious burgers, we had to wear hospital gowns and hospital wrist bands)

Day 2: get up early for our road trip day, eat free hotel (hot) breakfast, rent a car, buy snacks for the drive, drive to Meteor Crater, see the sights, drive to Grand Canyon, see the sights (sunset), drive back to Phoenix, ate at ridiculously overpriced pizza place

Day 3: free breakfast, pool time, Chik-Fil-A for lunch, more pool time, Joe's Crab Shack for dinner, "first Friday" art walk in downtown Phoenix

Day 4: free breakfast, cheap lunch (Safeway fried chicken and fruit) in the hotel room, pool time, dinner and a ball game at the "home run porch" at TGIF (best way to watch a baseball game EVER)

Day 5: free breakfast, pool time, more cheap lunch (leftovers), then beating the heat advisory with some rockin' games of Scattergories and Scrabble (we actually used EVERY tile!)

Day 6: free breakfast, pack, In 'n Out for lunch, hang out with sister and her husband talking about our next trip, leave :(

We decided that at some point in the next year or so, we will go on a road trip/camping trip with the two of them to see Mt. Rushmore, Devil's Tower, a missile silo, the Black Hills, and Carhenge. I can't wait!

And since D and I will never have our own kids' pictures on the walls of our house, we have decided that we will create a display of postcards from all our travel destinations. So now we have three (Meteor Crater, Grand Canyon, downtown Phoenix) to add to our one Jamaica postcard from our honeymoon. The only trips we've taken between our honeymoon and this one have been to visit my parents, and my sister's wedding, so it's going to be pretty awesome taking a trip each year for pleasure and not just family obligations.

And seriously, seeing all the "accessories" that people with babies and little kids had to take on the plane made me see a nice benefit to it always being just me and D traveling.

last day

Today was my last day of work for the summer! So today was the goodbye meeting for all the teachers leaving the building/district. We get breakfast and social time before that part starts. One of my department co-workers got engaged last night. Most people simply said congratulations, but the few jokers have to pipe up with "oh, is she pregnant?" If it had been said just a couple times, I could have handled it, but they kept going on and on and on and on with the joke until I got fed up and left the table. I think some of them finally realized that joking about accidental pregnancies might be a little insensitive to the infertile sitting at the table. And yes, they all know that D and I won't be having kids, and they know the reason for it. I think they figured it out because as soon as I returned to the table, they immediately started asking me about our upcoming trip to Phoenix. It felt sudden and awkward, but it was nice that they changed the subject and were making an effort to include me in the conversation.

And now I have the summer to further my transition into non-momhood so that their stupid jokes won't piss me off so much. :)

Holidays

Today, I'm thinking about all the mothers that I know and all the "non-mothers" I know that long to be a mother as well. Some of them have been through hell, and today I celebrate their strength and perseverence.

questions and advice

So this weekend, I have been asked by three different people if Dave and I are pregnant or are thinking about trying. I responded with the truth to all of them "We were trying, but we can't get pregnant. We even tried in vitro and it didn't work. So now we won't be having kids." All of them rolled with it fairly well, and changed the subject pretty quickly. Of course, they all asked or mentioned adoption. With adults, I can answer well enough. When it's one of my students who has been adopted, it's a little trickier. For them, adoption is awesome; they don't understand how difficult and emotionally draining it can be on the other end.

And then one of my friends, who knows all about our struggles the past two years, sent me an email telling me of some success story woman she knows who did 6 IUI's and 1 IVF without success. And then, lo and behold, she tried acupuncture, and got pregnant naturally. So I reminded this friend that we have male factor infertility, so unless the woman getting acupuncture somehow improved her husband's motility, it really doesn't apply. (I said it in a slightly less bitchy tone though!)

And then my ex-husband, who only recently found out about our infertility struggles, emailed me after I made a post on Facebook with a few links for Infertility Awareness Week (I guess I kind of "came out" to everyone with those). He felt bad for basically wasting my best fertile years when he was on the fence about having kids. I told him I didn't blame him; when we split up, I always knew there was a chance that I might not have kids, especially if it took me a while to find the perfect person for me. Luckily, it didn't take long to find D, but the baby thing still didn't work out. And even if my ex had made up his mind earlier in our marriage, I wouldn't have been the same person or the right place to meet D.

I was very proud of myself though. It was actually fairly easy to answer their questions, and I didn't have a meltdown at all!

Vegetable Garden 2010 update: We have sprouts!

bombarded

Today at lunch, I walked in to the main room where the other teachers eat lunch, and one of the teacher's husband had brought their baby for a visit to mommy. I've been making an effort to eat lunch with them again since my seclusion during IVF, but god damn, I don't want to spend my lunch with a baby who looks so much like his dad that all it does is remind me that I will never have a baby that looks like my husband.

So I held in the sadness until I got home, so now the tears are flowing.

Fuck. I was doing so well too. So much for National Infertility Awareness Week. Apparently, my co-workers don't give a shit, or are too clueless to realize that a lunch spent with a baby or talking about babies constantly (brought on by the presence of the other baby) might not be easy for me. I guess I'm just supposed to avoid them because none of them have enough sensitivity to actually make sure I am included in the conversation. Fuck 'em.

mojitos and other random thoughts

My husband and I make our own mojitos and they are fantastic. Steeped mint, freshly squeezed limes, etc. My in-laws only seem to remember that we LIKE mojitos, and so every time they see any mojito mixers on sale, they buy it for us. Then they call D like it's this great thing that they've done for us. Sure we do like them, but we like OURS. So now we are getting a fucking bucket of mojito mix that we don't want. Can we donate that to the food pantry? :)

I was thinking about the movie (and book, I suppose) He's Just Not That Into You, and realized that all the helpful comments that are given to women by other women ("I know this one guy who proposed after seven years," etc) are very similar to the helpful comments fertiles give to infertiles ("I know this one couple that couldn't get pregnant, and once they stopped trying...."). It makes me wonder if this kind of thing happens in all circumstances of life.

I recently read the book Silent Sorority, and it is amazing. It is tremendously helpful as we navigate the tricky path of living without children after going through infertility treatments. In one part it mentions how the author was raised to include other people in the conversation, so any conversation that excludes anyone should be limited. And of course, most parents do not do that. It made me think of my co-workers and not-so-close friends. They talk about football or other sports or their kids almost constantly, never taking in to consideration that some of those around them aren't interested or have nothing to add or get out of the conversation. Apparently, it is now more common that if the majority of the group is included, that is enough.

And there is this one "friend" that I have on Facebook. She knows about mine and D's new path in life, and her response to my message to her about it was "I have a friend who also did IVF, and on their last transfer it finally worked! Stay positive." Um, did you even read the message I sent you? We already HAD our last chance and it didn't work. Unless, maybe she has an extra $12,000 that she wants to give us? She is also one who only posts about her kids, or some stupid positive comment like "If you want something bad enough and try hard enough, it will happen." I usually comment back with something like "or if you throw enough money at it." She never comments back.

Update: I just responded to her last message that she sent me where she told me about her friend whose last chance with IVF worked and that I should "keep the faith." I kind of told her that that kind of comment is insensitive and re-explained that I already had my IVF last chance and it didn't work. So telling me to keep the faith is pointless and implies that I didn't think positively enough during the cycle. I feel all sorts of empowered now. I think Silent Sorority had a bigger impact than I thought. I think I won't be as silent and letting thoughtless comments slide by as much now.

getting better

Some things still set me off, but I've been able to manage a lot better. Sort of the way I did during our saving up for IVF time. D's mom is the worst though. D's sister is pregnant (with a prevented, un-wanted baby), so D's mom has been buying baby stuff for her. Every time we see her she tells us the same stories, and lately they've been about the baby's name, and about all the baby stuff she bought, and she likes to get specific. The first time she did this, it had been only about three weeks since we found out our pregnancy wouldn't last and that it meant no kids for us. She is very insensitive to the fact that what she says might cause us pain. At least D understands, and he squeezes my hand a little harder to let me know he knows.

We are adding a second vegetable garden this weekend. We tried gardening last summer for the first time with a raised 4x8 bed. We grew potatoes, sugar snap peas, green beans, lettuce, tomatoes, strawberries, and cucumbers. This year we are going to keep all those things, but add in shelling peas, corn, peppers, and beets.

School is almost out for the summer. I don't know if that will make things worse or easier. I will have more time to myself which might mean more time with my thoughts. I'm sure there will be lots of tears, but I'm hoping it will be a good thing to release it all.