hmmm...

Over a month ago, when D and I found out the doctor recommended IVF, I told a few people. One in particular I asked not to tell anyone else in our friend group because I wasn't sure how many people I was going to tell we were planning on doing IVF (some of them are very religious and have strong opinions about what happens to the embryos we may not need, and I wasn't in the mood for a lecture). Anyway, at the religious couple's house, a few friends got together, and I wasn't there. My friend told two or three other women that D and I were told IVF was our best bet and that we had started saving money. WTF? She told me about it the next day and she felt really bad about it, so I let it go. I figured I probably would have ended up telling them at some point anyway.

BUT...

I have now hung out with those women, and because I wasn't the one who got to tell them, if IVF gets mentioned, it's like it's no big deal because they already knew. I think it's VERY big. It's very expensive and trying and stressful. I now feel like I lost a bit of my support system, and that sucks. I didn't get to share any of the details, or field any of their questions because my other friend did all that. It's MY (and D's) story, and I want to be the one to tell it.

soreness

Since my recuperation from surgery ended, my lower back has been out of whack. I've gone to the chiropractor twice in the last week, but it hasn't improved. And now my hips have become sore. It's hard to get comfortable, and it hurts when I transition from sitting to standing. I think I pulled a muscle in my back, and my hips are sore from over-compensating. I go to the chiropractor again Tuesday, and I will see what he says.

I googled "sore hips" and of course, google, being ever so helpful, suggested "sore hips due to pregnancy." Nice. I'm trying to avoid the whole "is that a sign?" mind game since our chances of getting pregnant on our own are very slim. So google's input is not welcome.

more pregnant people

The other night I found out two co-workers are pregnant. One is married and had been trying for a while. One is a second year teacher, unmarried, and the pregnancy is the result of a one night stand with a total dirtbag that she met at a wedding. So her plan is to give the baby up for adoption. I cannot even imagine the pain of coming to that decision, and how hard it is going to be for her as a teacher. Teenagers are so very blunt, and will definitely ask questions. And she is one of the hot, young teachers, and super thin, so it's not like she can hide it or have people not notice it. From what I was told, she's having a very hard time dealing with it, but she is a firm believer in two parents for a baby, and that's why she's giving it up. Her roommate said that she cries almost every night. Poor thing. I'm jealous that she could get pregnant so easily, but I feel bad for her and her situation.

And why is it that the dirtbags have super potent sperm while my loving husband (who I think is amazing) doesn't?

something fun

Favorite part of today: in Trig, listing out the key points for a sine wave, in the voice of the Count from Sesame Street. 1pi, 2pi, 3pi, 4pi, ah, ah, ah.

positive thinking?

So I was emailing a friend of mine (the one that is currently pregnant, after only two months of trying) today. She has been pretty supportive throughout all of our infertility struggles in the past year...up til now. She was asking what comes next for us, so I told her the process for IVF and what we may decide depending on the outcome of D's urology appointment. I also mentioned how I was trying to get my head around the possibility of not having children ever. IVF isn't a 100% guarantee, so I sort of have the back-up plan in my head: travel, sleeping in, eating out, no babysitters necessary, etc. Her response didn't sit well with me. I know she was trying to be positive and supportive, but telling me that my situation doesn't warrant having a back-up plan yet felt very condescending. We can only afford one cycle of IVF, so if it doesn't work, that's it. I think it just makes good emotional sense to see some benefits to not having kids. Will I be disappointed if IVF doesn't work? Hell, yes. Probably for months. But I'd like to have in the back of my mind, just in case, a silver lining to that devastation. I really want it to work, and I'm sure I'll be all positive and hopeful for that cycle, but I also know that if it doesn't work, I will survive and continue to lead a happy life with my husband. And I think a woman who got pregnant on her second try is never going to understand that.

period update

This month my period came exactly on time! Good news since this means the cysts on my ovaries have stopped creating problems. At least I think I can assume that since two months in a row, my period was on time...how it used to be EVERY month before taking Clomid.

And (TMI alert), there were hardly any clots, and I didn't have that disgusting gush feeling. Which is very convenient with being a teacher. I can't exactly run to the bathroom anytime I want, so having my period be normal and allow me to only need to change the tampon during my designated bathroom break times was a nice improvement. I wonder if I write about that to the insurance people, they would cover the hysteroscopy?

phone tag

I called the insurance people again after getting the "explanation of benefits" statement saying that my hysteroscopy was not covered because they don't cover infertility treatments. The girl I talked to this time looked at the claim and said "it looks like we filed it correctly based on the doctor's diagnosis." When I asked what that diagnosis was, she said she couldn't tell me, but I could always talk to my doctor and have her send some notes to clarify.

Thus began the phone tag with the financial lady at the fertility clinic. When I finally talked to her, she was all "hmmm...it looks like they are denying all three of these." Um, yeah, that's kind of why I'm calling. Kind of hard to save for IVF if we have to pay an $11000 surgery bill. Then when I told her what the insurance girl said, she goes "but none of these have infertility as the diagnosis; they all say uterine myoma, endometriosis, etc." Which makes me think the insurance people are just being dicks since the claim came from fertility clinic. So now my doctor is writing some notes and the claim will be refiled.

So more waiting to see if they cover it this time. But waiting's the main activity with infertility, isn't it?