Time has flown by. The school year is 3/4 of the way done; our summer "we don't have kids" trip is planned (just need to actually book it). This year is San Francisco, and we have a lot of things we want to do, so it's looking to be a full five days of activity. The only things we haven't looked into yet are restaurants.
I'm doing really well with the no kids things...even back to where I used to be that I can think a kid is cute and want to play with him or her. I still have some dark days where I feel left out, but those are very few now. I have a friend who is currently pregnant, and I'm so excited for her. So far, there hasn't been any awkwardness and she hadn't stopped sharing details with me. That has happened in the past, and I'm still not sure how it could have been avoided.
I'm starting to come out of my hermit hibernation. Someone said something in a post recently about expecting bad comments from people. I think that's what I was doing, and I thought that if I stayed home, I could avoid them. While this is true, I was also avoiding a lot of fun activities. So one of my new years' resolutions was to socialize more. I'm still VERY content to stay home, but I'm forcing myself to go out. And it's been pretty good so far. I've come a long way so that I don't expect there to be awkward moments anymore, and there really haven't been any. Of course, I've grown a thicker skin since then, so that may be part of it. And I still avoid the people who I found to be not quite so supportive during my time of need, even though I realize now that I share some of the blame for not asking for what I needed.
I feel like I am making progress; I just hope that other people can see it too.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Friday, September 14, 2012
trust falls
We had an outside-of-the-norm teacher in-service today: we went on a 6 hour retreat, and did all sorts of team-building exercises, including trust falls. It was a great day, and I am proud of myself for being a team player and participating in all the group activities.
One moment stands out that had nothing to do with the planned activities. I was joking with a co-worker at the beginning of the day, saying I hoped we weren't going to have to do some stupid ice-breaker where we tell something "interesting" about ourselves. He made some joke about what he would say (something fairly personal that would be sort of awkward for others to know), so I said that I would say "my husband and I are infertile." He was super shocked that I said that, and was all "Oh my god!!!" Even though he already knows this fact. It just seems so crazy how awkward that word makes people feel.
One moment stands out that had nothing to do with the planned activities. I was joking with a co-worker at the beginning of the day, saying I hoped we weren't going to have to do some stupid ice-breaker where we tell something "interesting" about ourselves. He made some joke about what he would say (something fairly personal that would be sort of awkward for others to know), so I said that I would say "my husband and I are infertile." He was super shocked that I said that, and was all "Oh my god!!!" Even though he already knows this fact. It just seems so crazy how awkward that word makes people feel.
Monday, May 21, 2012
"annual" exam
After making excuses and putting it off, I finally made an appointment for my annual gyno exam! I'm quite proud of myself. The last time I was probed in any way was our IVF in February 2010. The following summer should have been the time for my annual, but I decided I had been probed recently enough that I didn't need to schedule it. Then the school year started, so I put it off again, thinking how hard it is to schedule an appointment for the late afternoon so that I don't have to miss any classes. Then the next summer was spent writing new curriculum, so I avoided making the appointment again. And then this school year started, so I fell back on the same "difficult to make an appointment" excuse...even though I didn't try, so I didn't REALLY know if that was true for the doctor I had chosen. And now I am in the final week of the school year, so I took a break from grading and set up the appointment for over the summer when I have very few scheduling conflicts.
The doctor I chose is a man that one of my friends recommended almost three years ago. We had just started going to the fertility clinic, so I was not in need of a regular gyno yet, but his office is only a mile from my house, so his name has been in my head since then. I was also leaning toward going to a male doctor this time because then I never have to deal with my gynecologist being pregnant. I used to be reluctant to have a male gynecologist (didn't have a good experience at my very first exam, and that was with a man), but after all the infertility treatments, I know I can handle pretty much anyone poking around down there...as long as they know what they are doing.
And I'm looking forward to asking what they hell is going on that I now have PMS twice a cycle. I'm going to ask if I need to have my hormone levels checked or something. It's not for another three weeks, but the appointment is made, and I won't cancel.
The doctor I chose is a man that one of my friends recommended almost three years ago. We had just started going to the fertility clinic, so I was not in need of a regular gyno yet, but his office is only a mile from my house, so his name has been in my head since then. I was also leaning toward going to a male doctor this time because then I never have to deal with my gynecologist being pregnant. I used to be reluctant to have a male gynecologist (didn't have a good experience at my very first exam, and that was with a man), but after all the infertility treatments, I know I can handle pretty much anyone poking around down there...as long as they know what they are doing.
And I'm looking forward to asking what they hell is going on that I now have PMS twice a cycle. I'm going to ask if I need to have my hormone levels checked or something. It's not for another three weeks, but the appointment is made, and I won't cancel.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
"It's OK if a Crazy Person Hates You"
Someone posted this from an article the other day. These words are so true. I've learned over the years that when someone decides they hate me for no apparent reason, I just let it go. There's no arguing logically with a crazy person. I've tried, and it never helps the situation. The best bet is to let it blow over, and if it doesn't, did I really want them in my life? And did I really want the people they influence to join them in hating me in my life? Probably not.
I think this is part of my "shrug it off" attitude to most things. Work-related politics, things I can't control, someone who judges me for not having kids....I just shrug it off.
I am pretty happy in my current life, and I've realized that I am very happy when I don't let other people's opinions undermine my own.
I think this is part of my "shrug it off" attitude to most things. Work-related politics, things I can't control, someone who judges me for not having kids....I just shrug it off.
I am pretty happy in my current life, and I've realized that I am very happy when I don't let other people's opinions undermine my own.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Follow Up
one of the friends i mentioned in my last post reached out to me. in a nutshell, she thought i did not want to hear about her baby; i thought she did not want to tell me. so i think we have cleared the air and can move forward. we are in sort of a transition phase right now, but i am hopeful that, if we both put in some effort, that we can maintain our friendship. so that is good news. also, i need to learn to speak up when things are bothering me instead of assuming it will be a bother to the other person. please forgive the non capitalization and lack of alternate punctuation...i am posting from my phone and apparently blogger has limited functions through this device.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Finally Catching Up
I've been busy at home the last few months, so I've been reading blogs, rarely commenting because I have been reading them a week or more after they were first posted and usually feel like everything has already been said (better) than I would have done, and never posting. Things are slowing down a bit, so here's a list of an update:
1. I had a student teacher first semester which, if he were any good, should have freed up some time for me. He was not good, but not so bad that I could fail him. The challenge came in writing his letter of recommendation, which is a requirement of the cooperating teacher (me). It was a struggle not to make the whole thing sound completely passive aggressive. I focused on the positive things that he had done, but by only talking about those, it was pretty obvious that he wasn't good at everything, but I couldn't do anything else since it's not supposed to be an evaluation letter.
2. Holidays were pretty good. My parents, brother, sister-in-law and nephew came here, along with my local sister and her husband, and my husband's parents. So I was busy cooking for most of the day. Christmas was just us and my sister and her husband, so that was really nice and fun and low-key. New years' eve was the same.
3. Then I went back to school, and baked a lot for a fundraiser for a co-worker of my husband. The co-worker is fighting his third brain tumor. I made about 3 dozen of 8 different desserts. It was exhausting, but totally worth it. My legs were killing me from standing all day teaching, and then standing most of the evening baking. The fundraiser raised more than $40,000!
4. We were planning on going to San Francisco this summer, but now we are going to Las Vegas in May for Punk Rock Bowling with my sister and her husband, and since we are also planning a DC trip in June for my dad's Viet Nam reunion group, San Francisco will most likely be in 2013. I don't think our funds can handle three fairly big trips, unless we get some huge tax refund this year, which I am not expecting since we had to pay the last two years.
5. This is the thought/update I've been thinking about for a couple weeks now. There have been several pregnancy announcements in the last few months, and I think I've handled them pretty well. Nothing more than an eye roll since all of them occurred within a few months of the couple beginning to attempt pregnancy. The issue I have is how I've been cut out of the lives of a couple of the newly pregnant women, and the life of one who gave birth in September. It bothers me that we used to be friends, but once this life-changing even happens for them, they seem to think I can't handle it, so they decide for me. And that is what bothers me the most, they didn't even give me a chance to be happy for them and still be involved in their lives. The recent mother and I used to be very close, emailing very frequently, having lunch when our schedules allowed, but since she has ignored almost every question I've asked about the health of the baby (suffered from colic for a while), I stopped asking, and now the emails have all but stopped. Another that cut me out once she found out she was pregnant used to talk to me about her decision to have kids or not. She used to be firmly in the no kids ever camp, and recently started thinking maybe she wanted them after all. So she had to convince her husband, who also was firmly in the no kids camp. We talked on several occasions about the decision, she asked about our decision not to keep pursuing parenthood, and was a pretty big support during our infertility times. So my guess is that I am only valuable to her as a sounding board for choosing to have kids or not (since I've been there), and if she had had trouble conceiving, maybe I would have been useful in that situation too. But clearly, I have nothing to offer now that she is pregnant.
6. With all of that, I'm really taking stock of my "friends." It seems that infertility isolated us, and now that we've come out the other side, it continues to do so. I think a lot of our friends don't know how to handle our decision to "give up" and not pursue adoption or some other means to a baby, so they avoid us. And then I think do I really want to be friends with these people anyway? I mean, if they can't even attempt to continue a friendship with us when circumstances in life change, why do I want them in my life? So now I am down to just a few people who I consider true friends, and wondering how a person goes about finding more? I've always met my friends through other friends. How do I meet people who are similar to me otherwise? I think it just takes time, and I have lots of things to do to keep myself occupied until then.
1. I had a student teacher first semester which, if he were any good, should have freed up some time for me. He was not good, but not so bad that I could fail him. The challenge came in writing his letter of recommendation, which is a requirement of the cooperating teacher (me). It was a struggle not to make the whole thing sound completely passive aggressive. I focused on the positive things that he had done, but by only talking about those, it was pretty obvious that he wasn't good at everything, but I couldn't do anything else since it's not supposed to be an evaluation letter.
2. Holidays were pretty good. My parents, brother, sister-in-law and nephew came here, along with my local sister and her husband, and my husband's parents. So I was busy cooking for most of the day. Christmas was just us and my sister and her husband, so that was really nice and fun and low-key. New years' eve was the same.
3. Then I went back to school, and baked a lot for a fundraiser for a co-worker of my husband. The co-worker is fighting his third brain tumor. I made about 3 dozen of 8 different desserts. It was exhausting, but totally worth it. My legs were killing me from standing all day teaching, and then standing most of the evening baking. The fundraiser raised more than $40,000!
4. We were planning on going to San Francisco this summer, but now we are going to Las Vegas in May for Punk Rock Bowling with my sister and her husband, and since we are also planning a DC trip in June for my dad's Viet Nam reunion group, San Francisco will most likely be in 2013. I don't think our funds can handle three fairly big trips, unless we get some huge tax refund this year, which I am not expecting since we had to pay the last two years.
5. This is the thought/update I've been thinking about for a couple weeks now. There have been several pregnancy announcements in the last few months, and I think I've handled them pretty well. Nothing more than an eye roll since all of them occurred within a few months of the couple beginning to attempt pregnancy. The issue I have is how I've been cut out of the lives of a couple of the newly pregnant women, and the life of one who gave birth in September. It bothers me that we used to be friends, but once this life-changing even happens for them, they seem to think I can't handle it, so they decide for me. And that is what bothers me the most, they didn't even give me a chance to be happy for them and still be involved in their lives. The recent mother and I used to be very close, emailing very frequently, having lunch when our schedules allowed, but since she has ignored almost every question I've asked about the health of the baby (suffered from colic for a while), I stopped asking, and now the emails have all but stopped. Another that cut me out once she found out she was pregnant used to talk to me about her decision to have kids or not. She used to be firmly in the no kids ever camp, and recently started thinking maybe she wanted them after all. So she had to convince her husband, who also was firmly in the no kids camp. We talked on several occasions about the decision, she asked about our decision not to keep pursuing parenthood, and was a pretty big support during our infertility times. So my guess is that I am only valuable to her as a sounding board for choosing to have kids or not (since I've been there), and if she had had trouble conceiving, maybe I would have been useful in that situation too. But clearly, I have nothing to offer now that she is pregnant.
6. With all of that, I'm really taking stock of my "friends." It seems that infertility isolated us, and now that we've come out the other side, it continues to do so. I think a lot of our friends don't know how to handle our decision to "give up" and not pursue adoption or some other means to a baby, so they avoid us. And then I think do I really want to be friends with these people anyway? I mean, if they can't even attempt to continue a friendship with us when circumstances in life change, why do I want them in my life? So now I am down to just a few people who I consider true friends, and wondering how a person goes about finding more? I've always met my friends through other friends. How do I meet people who are similar to me otherwise? I think it just takes time, and I have lots of things to do to keep myself occupied until then.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Really? Two months?
1. I've been crazy busy. It's surprising how stressful and busy I still am even though I have a student teacher this semester. Of course, if he could handle the full workload of a teacher, I would be a lot less stressed.
2. I really need to make an appointment for my "annual" exam. It's been a year and a half since our failed IVF, and that's the last time I was probed and prodded. My original OB/GYN sucked ass, and then I was at the RE's office, so I need a new doctor to go to. I have one in mind that a friend recommended a long time ago; I just haven't gotten off my ass to make the call.
3. My period is slightly out of whack. It seems to be a couple days late (so I start on day 30) for one month, and then start on day 26 for several months, and repeat. This most recent month was a day 30/early 31 start. After six months of starting on day 26, day 30 feels very late. I had all sorts of thoughts running through my mind. At first, surprisingly, it was "shit, if I'm pregnant, everything sucks; I have to get rid of my girl room; we can't travel as much; etc." Then a couple days later, with still no sign of a period "maybe this is it; we can make it work even though my mind has completely switched over to being GOOD with not having kids; and now we will fit in with everyone else." The next night, my period came. I think the bitch was just fucking with me. "Oh, you think you are all well-adjusted? Let's see what kind of a mind-fuck I can cause by being a few days later than expected."
4. My friend that I threw the shower for had her baby girl. And things have instantly changed between us. I knew change was inevitable, but I didn't think it would be so sudden. As one of her closest friends, D and I were okayed to come over within a couple days of the birth, so we did, but were pretty quickly rushed out of the house. It's a 45 minute drive to their house from ours, and we were inside for less than 20 minutes. It just felt kind of shitty, especially knowing that there were other friends (who are currently baby-crazy) that were there for much, much longer. And now every other day is a post by someone other than the new parents gushing about the baby. I think I'd be okay if it was the parents doing it, but all the fans make me want to puke. I think we'd be more accepted to hang out with if we gushed over the baby, but I just can't do that anymore. I still like babies and think they are adorable, but I've trained my brain to focus on the not-so-cute aspects of it, like the bags under the new parents' eyes, or the posts about not getting any sleep because the baby cried all night.
5. Future trips are being talked about. We are going to D.C. again because my dad's Vietnam company's reunion is there this year, and they like the kids to come. The last one we want to was in Branson, and the guys rode go-carts, and were ramming each other trying to pass. It was hilarious until my dad got kicked off the track for the day. His friends were trying to talk him in to getting back in line, but he didn't want to cause any trouble. I told him that it was teenage boys running the track, so if he took off his hat, they'd never know he was the same guy. So he got back in line, and rode the go-carts exactly the same way he did to cause his getting kicked off! Now that he needs a cane to walk around much, I mentioned all the walking that D.C. required, and he said that a bunch of the guys are going to rent scooters. So I am fully expecting them to drive them exactly the same way they drove the go-carts, and I really need to see that in person. So saving has begun for that trip. And since a family function doesn't count as our "no kids summer trip," we are planning something else. We have a few ideas, but nothing set yet. It will really depend on money after D.C.
2. I really need to make an appointment for my "annual" exam. It's been a year and a half since our failed IVF, and that's the last time I was probed and prodded. My original OB/GYN sucked ass, and then I was at the RE's office, so I need a new doctor to go to. I have one in mind that a friend recommended a long time ago; I just haven't gotten off my ass to make the call.
3. My period is slightly out of whack. It seems to be a couple days late (so I start on day 30) for one month, and then start on day 26 for several months, and repeat. This most recent month was a day 30/early 31 start. After six months of starting on day 26, day 30 feels very late. I had all sorts of thoughts running through my mind. At first, surprisingly, it was "shit, if I'm pregnant, everything sucks; I have to get rid of my girl room; we can't travel as much; etc." Then a couple days later, with still no sign of a period "maybe this is it; we can make it work even though my mind has completely switched over to being GOOD with not having kids; and now we will fit in with everyone else." The next night, my period came. I think the bitch was just fucking with me. "Oh, you think you are all well-adjusted? Let's see what kind of a mind-fuck I can cause by being a few days later than expected."
4. My friend that I threw the shower for had her baby girl. And things have instantly changed between us. I knew change was inevitable, but I didn't think it would be so sudden. As one of her closest friends, D and I were okayed to come over within a couple days of the birth, so we did, but were pretty quickly rushed out of the house. It's a 45 minute drive to their house from ours, and we were inside for less than 20 minutes. It just felt kind of shitty, especially knowing that there were other friends (who are currently baby-crazy) that were there for much, much longer. And now every other day is a post by someone other than the new parents gushing about the baby. I think I'd be okay if it was the parents doing it, but all the fans make me want to puke. I think we'd be more accepted to hang out with if we gushed over the baby, but I just can't do that anymore. I still like babies and think they are adorable, but I've trained my brain to focus on the not-so-cute aspects of it, like the bags under the new parents' eyes, or the posts about not getting any sleep because the baby cried all night.
5. Future trips are being talked about. We are going to D.C. again because my dad's Vietnam company's reunion is there this year, and they like the kids to come. The last one we want to was in Branson, and the guys rode go-carts, and were ramming each other trying to pass. It was hilarious until my dad got kicked off the track for the day. His friends were trying to talk him in to getting back in line, but he didn't want to cause any trouble. I told him that it was teenage boys running the track, so if he took off his hat, they'd never know he was the same guy. So he got back in line, and rode the go-carts exactly the same way he did to cause his getting kicked off! Now that he needs a cane to walk around much, I mentioned all the walking that D.C. required, and he said that a bunch of the guys are going to rent scooters. So I am fully expecting them to drive them exactly the same way they drove the go-carts, and I really need to see that in person. So saving has begun for that trip. And since a family function doesn't count as our "no kids summer trip," we are planning something else. We have a few ideas, but nothing set yet. It will really depend on money after D.C.
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